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Lashing out?

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JenniferInVA posted 4/2/2014 21:02 PM

It's been 16 months since d-day. We've had many good days but days like today (I was driving for 6 hours on business) that's I can't help but get pissed. Like super pissed. I came home and he was passed out on the couch (sick) and he hadn't done the one thing I asked him to. I know I sound irrational but it just set me off. I had 6 hours to think about how badly he screwed up. Like I can't get his cheating out of my head no matter how hard I try.

I don't have many bad days but when I do, he had better watch out because it's like the exorcist is in my house. Am I the only one? Or am I just using his bad decision as an excuse to act like an asshole? For what it's worth, he is trying.

devasted30 posted 4/2/2014 21:14 PM

Been there, done that just yesterday. We were having a good day and I decided to watch the video by Pink, you know the one, Just Give Me a Reason. And I started to cry, no, make that sob. And he tried to comfort me, but it turned into anger. Stark raving mad anger and I yelled and screamed and what was suppose to be a good evening turned into a nightmare for him and a tranquilizer for me. Today wasn't that great either. So, you are not the only one out there who runs hot and cold. Just part of the lovely ramifications of their selfishness and cheating and betrayal. I wasn't 100% happy either! BUT I did not cheat!!!!!
You are not alone.

JenniferInVA posted 4/2/2014 21:18 PM

I feel like I should apologize but then again, it's his mistake that caused this whole mess to begin with. I suppose I'll get some sleep and talk it over tomorrow. Blah! I hate when I have time to myself to think about it all. Glad I'm not the only hot/cold one out there.

Alexisk17 posted 4/3/2014 11:40 AM

I'm one year out from dday and have found myself angry and raging the past month, in a way that I never did during year one.

I don't think WH's actions give me permission to be an asshole, but he is very understanding when I feel the need to be angry over something that he did a year ago (the A). I try and catch myself in the act ("am I frustrated over something specific, or just needing an excuse to be angry with him?" or "is my reaction reasonable?"). There are plenty of times when I snap at him and then end up apologizing for it later. WH is very understanding 99.9% of the time.

There are times though when I stuff the anger down. I don't think it's kind to dump on him 24/7 so if I have been really hard on him the last few days I will suck it up and deal with the emotion myself. I'm not sure if this is entirely healthy but I figure as long as I'm not doing this ALL the time it should be okay.

I spend a lot of time walking along throughout the day (to and from work to pick up the kids at daycare). I often find my mind wandering over to thoughts of the A and subsequent separation. I just wish I could have a minute on my own with a clear head

struggling3 posted 4/3/2014 12:21 PM

I have always found that alone time in the car is one of the worst for me. I'm sure after 6 hours you were a mess. I also get the thoughts that he brought all of this on. No real advice here but wanted you to know that you were heard and understood completely. Hope today gets better for you both :)

Skan posted 4/3/2014 15:42 PM

The first 9 months or so, I would just explode. I mean, go apeshit. My rage would be a palpable third person in the house with us. Now, at almost 2 years out, I still have bad days, days when I feel depressed or angry, and so does he. But we tell each other. One of us will say, babe, I'm having a mad/bad/sad/whatever day. The other will ask if there's something that they can do and if not, we give each other space to work it out. If I need a hug from him, I ask for it. If I need him to leave me alone, he checks out. If I need an apology or if I need to talk, then he's there to provide that. Getting to that transition point took time. But it was entirely necessary for us to both go forward into a good R.

LdyD posted 4/4/2014 07:21 AM

It's only been 6 1/2 weeks since D-day for me. I thought that I was 'over' the Anger since I've been able to calmly discuss the A with my FWH. But, during MC on Weds we were trying to work on the underlying cause for the A. While I was discussing details that I was told, I went completely apeshit! I scared myself realizing that I'm not over the anger after all. So no, you're not the only one!

LovelyDaffodils posted 4/5/2014 15:46 PM

At the last MC we talked about my stuffing my anger after I admitted to the first real blow up when I found more evidence of things WH had lied about. When he stalled for over 2 hours talking about what I had found, then the first thing out of his mouth was some crap about me being on SI and making up stuff, I lost it. MC told me I need to feel my anger and express it in less volatile ways. Suggested I try to come in for an extra session. Well, can't imagine that working-seems like more suppressing to me-holding it in until I can get in to see her, a day or 2? I am not a violent type person, takes a lot to really get to me. But when I get to the point that I lash out, I don't hold back. I have to say it felt really good to scream at him and him powerless to say anything. He just sat there while I raged.

Not sure what the answer is. I thought maybe going to a gym, putting on gloves and headgear and bashing him for a couple of rounds. Just the thought seemed very satisfying to me. He wasn't that amused when I told him about it.

whattheh posted 4/5/2014 17:51 PM

I used to punch pillows. Also I placed tape up in doorway to determine where OWs face would be (she was shorter) and punched imaginary OW. I wrote thoughts on my white fridge in wipe off markers so my fWH couldn't miss it. And I drew caricature cartoon pics of them in sexual position and posted them places. I also broke things like dishes. I don't do these things anymore but I still lash out verbally sometimes if something triggers me. I make sure my fWH understands afterwards that this is constantly on my mind which I think is very unfair. So I've kept my promise to share most of my thoughts and feelings and fears with him.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]

morethantrying posted 4/5/2014 23:38 PM

Joining this group too! It seems like no matter what I have done or feel, someone else is going through the same...that helps!

Had too much wine and let him have it...he was all felt awful...felt like I should apologize and I did because it was way over and the "current great him" doesn't deserve it...a person can change and he did...I am angry still at the FORMER HIM (still him all one but not the behavior)....ah its all so complicated...him yet not him....I'm angry at that too...can't quite get my mind around WHO he is, was...blah, blah blah and on and one my thoughts circle....

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