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pregnant and triggering

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MJane posted 4/3/2014 07:30 AM

I decided that R was possible and for the last 7 months since Dday we've been working our way through the debris. There are days when I think things are really good and we will be able to rebuild a family life and other days when what happened hits me again. We decided to have another child (that had always been the plan before the infidelity and as we spent over 5 years dealing with issues it has been a long road). I am entirely at peace with the decision - this is a very wanted child and my son deserves a sibling and being a mum is the most satisfying thing in world for me. However as my husband started cheating when I was 8 months pregnant I'm having a very hard time not feeling vulnerable and it also brings home to me how entirely detached and selfish his decision to cheat was. Part of me wants to walk away as I feel in so much pain...

forgivingnow posted 4/3/2014 10:12 AM

I am so sorry that being pregnant is a trigger for you. Share your feelings with your husband and tell him how he can reassure you. He needs to help you through this. If I tell my husband I'm feeling sad or anxious, he'll say, I got you, you're safe, I love you. What do you need to hear?

deena04 posted 4/3/2014 10:25 AM

So sorry MJane. Take care of you and hopefully your hubby will do the same. Best wishes!!

Freebygrace posted 4/3/2014 12:01 PM

My WH also had the A while I was 8 months pregnant. DDAY was the day I brought the baby home from the hospital. The OW was my friend and was in the delivery room. We have had several more children since then.

I am always a mess during pregnancy, and the deliveries are horrible triggering events for me. I understand exactly what you are going through.

During the A, I was distant and we weren't having much sex because of the pregnancy. I make more effort now to stay connected, and make sure he gets lots of physical touch since that is his love language. Not that the A was my fault at all, but knowing that I am trying makes me feel like the chance of a repeat A are less.

I would also tell him how to better love you during this time. Flowers? Kisses? Going to appointments? I would do things very different than the last time. Maybe childbirth classes? He needs to know that you need for him to lay the love on very thick during this time.

After the baby is born, I always feel so much better, and there is this lovely new little creature to love also. I hope you are able to sail right through and get to a place of happiness.

MJane posted 4/4/2014 04:16 AM

Thanks for your posts and freebygrace thanks for sharing your experience. One of the things that angers me so much (and am sure made you angry!) is that my H has tainted the birth of my child. I still find it hard to look at the photos from the delivery room and our smiling faces knowing he went off that evening and slept with OW while I was in hospital. I was not the type of woman that ever worried that lack of sex in last months of pregnancy (I was placenta previa as well as high-risk pregnancy) would be something that would make my H stray - and while I certainly don't think that alone "caused" the A it now enters my head that it was a factor and I wonder if he still has that weakness and inability to put the welfare of his wife/child first without thinking about his own selfish needs. You can probably tell I am in an angry place today - this pregnancy is bringing home that he betrayed me when he should have been protecting us and looking forward to us becoming a family. Freebygrace you must have amazing strength to come through a Dday on day you brought your baby home!! At least I had months of ignorance (not 100% ignorance as I could tell things were wrong but just put it down to the wrong things - lack of sleep, him maybe finding it difficult being a first-time dad - never considering he was a liar and a cheat....). I am wondering if I will ever get through this feeling of anger I feel. I see him as not the same man who had the A and yet how can I ever feel safe and secure again???

industriousbee posted 4/4/2014 13:46 PM

Perhaps it would help to remind yourself why you decided to stay with him. He must have changed in order for you to feel safe enough to have a baby with him. Remind yourself of this.

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