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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: advice on alienation of affection
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not new to the threat of divorce he has been threatening it on and off for 4 years. But I just found out Feb 2014 that he was having and affair this entire time, the lies, deceit, sneaking around, constant and I mean constant text messages, snap chats, he was physically around, but mentally and emotionally chatting with her the entire time. So I'm mad, upset ticked off...I found enough information to file an alienation of affection lawsuit against her. In the thousands of messages I found they used work email, were texting and flirting non stop at work, they want to be together, she dogs me all the time, its just horrible.

So I need help - I want to turn stuff into his employer, because they both work there and rumor is people in his office knew about it, its a catholic organization as well...then I want to file and alienation of affection lawsuit against her. more for the purpose of standing up for all of us that have been hurt by this because of those that don't honor boundaries.

I am in between is this doing whats right based on beliefs of family and marriage or revenge?

thanks


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
crisp
♂ 34236
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to a lawyer that is able to provide you with the likely financial ramifications of the potential actions. The last thing you want for both you and your kids is to have your income severely diminished by actions you initiate without fully thinking it out.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 450 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exwh also worked (and still works) with the slunt OW. She actually was and still is his secretary, so I understand the reaction of wanting to bust them and to report their disgusting behavior to the employer. I get it, I really do.

Here's the issue though and what stopped me from doing it - if you turn them into the employer, will they both lose their jobs? If he loses his job and then you file for D, that means he has no income to pay child support or spousal support or housing costs, etc. Depending on his occupation and where you reside, it may not be real easy for him to get a comparable job and then, in the quest to find justice, you've just screwed your financial future.

I would seriously think about that and talk to an experienced attorney first to get a good idea of the best and worst case scenarios in terms of financial issues in the event that he loses his job.

As far as the alienation of affection lawsuit goes, again, I would talk to an experienced attorney to get a sense of how much that would cost you, the likelihood of success, and how much you could potentially collect in damages. Again, while I understand the reaction and I get where this is coming from, I don't know that I would spend a dime of my money to take the OW to court. Unless I knew she had a lot of assets and I had an excellent chance of collecting money from her, I wouldn't do it. Plus, think about the trauma that you would have to endure - you get to sit there while she goes up on a witness stand, looks you right in the face, and talks all about her "relationship" with your husband. Every dirty detail will be there in the courtroom and on a transcript for you to relive.

Those are just my thoughts. I would be the most careful about the job issue - that is the one that could damage you the most in the end.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2011
Klove
♀ 42096
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the issue though and what stopped me from doing it - if you turn them into the employer, will they both lose their jobs? If he loses his job and then you file for D, that means he has no income to pay child support or spousal support or housing costs, etc. Depending on his occupation and where you reside, it may not be real easy for him to get a comparable job and then, in the quest to find justice, you've just screwed your financial future.

THIS^^^^ Is the only thing stopping me from exposing them at work.
I have a GREAT amount of animosity for the amount that their work/coworkers knew and didn't do anything about...
These two used company funds to fly together and justified "work withs" in the company budgets. All of their texts phone calls were long distance on company phones. And this is supposed to be an ethical, medical supplies, family company. pfffft.
Also- my stbxwh was her "boss" for a short time.

BUT- He makes $140,000 a year. I make $70,000. I'm going to bleed him financially- so I want him to have a good job, right?
Plus - his job takes him away a lot and then I don't have to deal with him being close to me.
win-win.

[This message edited by Klove at 11:07 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand this urge. While I can't sue for alienation of affection, I can file a police report for adultery, which is a misdemeanor crime in my state. The problem is/was that the main OW is married, and her BS can file against my STBXH as well.

Until our finances are separated, I would only be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I can't afford to do that because I'm a SAHM. Check with a lawyer, but my understanding is that CS and SS are calculated based on Earning Potential when the spouse is unemployed.

I've also heard of people suing the employer for facilitating the alienation of affection. If they knew and didn't do anything, it could be a possibility for you.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alienation of Affection is only allowed in certain states. Good luck, if it is in your state, because if so it can really work in your favor.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback...and I have done a lot of research on this. I am fortunately in a state where this is legal, only one of 6 left....unlucky for her. She has a good job, manager in the same department as my husband...so the only thing I would get is possible settlement or garnishment...but the rights of exposing someone for doing this and hopefully others will think twice about doing it in the future.

I honestly still want to be with him, I still love him and can't figure out why I don't through all this.

as far as him losing his job...there is stuff escalating already i have heard at his office, so it might get reported already without my assistance.

I honestly don't need his money, we both have really good jobs, I do make a little more than he does, but I could maintain without child support if I needed to, but if I get awarded it I will surely take it...

Has anyone or do you know anyone that did file this lawsuit? Just want to make sure I have vetted through everything.

I also do NOT want to do anything to hurt my kids anymore. Their father has done enough...and now that he is exposed he is being "super" dad...drives me crazy.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that you make more money than him makes this an even riskier idea. If he loses the job and D is in the future, you could be on the hook for spousal support. Obviously, if you both continue to make just about the same or slightly different up to and through a D proceeding, that likely won't be an issue. But, if he loses his job and has to settle for something making a lot less than you because he can't get something comparable, he could try to go after you for support.

Please think of every single scenario and act as though a D could be coming. I know you don't want that and I would be happy if he wants to save the marriage, but you just never know. Now that he has this mark on his history, you can't trust too much just yet.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2011
Gr8Lady
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is natural to want him to feel the consequences of hi betrayal may be.

As tempting as it sounds, the high road as well as you what you gain by realizing you are the better person is immense.

I wouldnt lower myself to his level, this Is asking for trouble on oh so many levels.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 626 | Registered: Jul 2012
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alienation of affection and Adultery laws were into effect for a reason. Check with your lawyer about the ramifications.

If things are ramping up at work, why not throw some kindling on the fire?? As long as you have a handle on the possible outcomes...go for it!

And no offense to any of the other posters but I feel that utilizing these laws IS taking the high road.

Don't ever, ever let anyone take you for a fool. Stay strong and push back on any person that thinks they can mess with you and your kids!

Sending your strength and clarity.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you spoken to an attorney about this? Have you spoken to several attorneys about this? It's great that you have SI to come to for advice, but this is something you NEED to vet through a lawyera really good one.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a lawyer experienced in alienation of affection lawsuits and ask them. We can give you our opinions but you really need legal advice.

My feeling: OW is not the problem, it's your WH. Until he addresses his issues the problem will keep repeating itself. Maybe with the same OW, maybe a new one. You can't sue every OW, can you?

The other issue to think about-if they are still in contact: you suing her may be the force that puts them together against you. He may (with her support) file for divorce! The hatred my XH and NW have for me has kept them together for a long time.

Just giving you some more things to think about.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback. Yes I have talked to a few attorneys.

My attorney has been with me through all this so he knows what four years of hell I have been through...and until February this year I thought it was just him falling out of love or depression. Well it was falling out of love and into bed with her...depression was guilt. But anyway he told me I have a case, they don't do these cases so he referred me to another attorney. And their firm would take it. It's not so much about the million dollar payout...for me it's the principal of what she did...yes he did also, but if one had said no they would have been the ethical person.

This would require subpoenas to their work (which btw is a catholic hospital) for emails...they also went to a couple work trips together. So it would get ugly fast for them. I hear from him...she is a good person, single mom with two kids...but she wasn't single when this started...and now I could be single with two kids...hmmm

He likes to tell me there are consequences for your actions...that was before I knew about this...so now I reply yes there is honey...yes there is.

I could vent forever...never thought this would be my life...I married the good guy...wow how wrong was I.

Thanks for the support...


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
whiteflower99
♀ 13937
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thought if you live in NC; adultery can be grounds for negating spousal support. It's one of the reasons I moved back here.
Good luck.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1777 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do whatever is best for you of course. However, I'm hoping you sue the pants off of OW and the hospital so I can live vicariously through you.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok you made me smile which doesn't happen often anymore!

Trust me I will get even with her somehow...I just need to strategically figure out how.

It has been said many times my passion for what I believe and my friends or family is really strong...you better off on my side versus against it. An ex is against and his bitch ass girlfriend is even worse.

What even better in the texts I found she even said if I find out it will be really bad

Bring it bitch!

I was so close to calling hr at his work today...texts, snap chats to her at his desk and pictures of her in a short dress at work...oh I could nail them.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep in mind that pursuing what feels good, including revenge, can be horrible choices long term if they can't be justified rationally.

Revenge doesn't help you heal. Consider maximizing your access to resources and dealing with the real issue, which is your marriage and his choices in it.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 846 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(oh, this is in divorce/separation.. ok, maybe the issue is divorce and getting to a state of indifference, and setting up a new life)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 846 | Registered: Nov 2012
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is honestly my fear...living with the decision...can I do that, because I am a good person...this just brings out the worst in me.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest you take care of your D before you go after OW for AOA. I say this because its in your best financial interest to tackle the D first. If the asshole loses his job he very well may go after you for SS. And there is a chance he may get it. Best to have him happily working when the decree is handed down. As they work for a Catholic institution there is legal precedence that gives the hospital the right to fire them for immoral behaviors. I lived in NYC till recently. A very liberal state and city I may add. A couple of years ago a Catholic school teacher was fired for getting pregnant out of wedlock. She sued and lost her case because the courts found that the church who ran the school had the right to enforce its beliefs on their employees. The employees took those positions with the knowledge of where the institution stood morally and it was an assumed agreement prior to accepting the job that there were certain moral obligations they were held to.

So most likely if you go after OW before you D your WH it could bite you in the ass. Causing a stir at the hospital will certainly ensure their termination. If he is in dire financial straights the courts could find you liable for his support when the D begins. They might lose their jobs, but you will wind up paying for that pleasure. Now of you D him first and have a decree its much harder for him to get anything out of you after the fact. And when you think about this how much do you really think your gonna get ? $50K perhaps. And if she is not working, your not going to get a dime. Factor in the legal expense and you can actually wind up in the red here. The first rule of D is to not approach it emotionally. Its nothing more then a business transaction when you think about it. While I certainly understand your need for revenge, its a dish best served cold. And to go one step further is revenge really going to get you anywhere ? I for one believe that you reap what you sow. And life does have a way of evening things out in the end. But if you have other reasons aside from revenge to go after OW, then be my guest. Revenge is sweet, but the aftertaste is not so good. KWIM ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Nov 2007
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