Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Custody recommendations
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those of you that have teenage kids help with recommendations...if we end up D. He insists on 50/50...I can't imagine going back and forth as a kid and believe they should be at their main home most the time. I am keeping the house we have had for 12 years. Am I being selfish because I don't want to be away from my kids? I'm being told so by hi and I keep saying its best if they have a stable home...but can see and stay with their dad anytime.

Thoughts

Recommendations...

Thanks


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advise but i have the same question. However i am a guy


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 2 teens and they have busy lives with sports, schools, and work. They don't like parenting schedules but are now 17 and 19. After about age 14 the schedules were not strictly adhered too.

What does your lawyer say?

It also depends on how much your X will fight for what they want versus what is best for the kids.

Speaking of that....What is best for the kids? what do the kids want?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2770 | Registered: Jan 2010
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids hated and still hate going back and forth. I think the fact their father lived in five different places in the first eight years after separation didn't help.

I think kids need a home.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29710 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At your kids' ages, they should have a say in where they live. They definitely need consistency during the school year for homework and activities. I'd present them with several different options, not just an "I want this and your dad wants that" scenario. You don't want it to turn into choosing between you and WH. They may even have friends whose parents are D who can give them some advice.

My SIL grew up with her parents sharing custody. She would spend one year with one parent in WY, and the next year with the other parent in IA. She hated it. Eventually she had to choose which parent to live with all the time. It was a horrible position to put a child into.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1952 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have talked with them and for the longest time it was staying at the house...but I think he has been talking with them. So now they are confused and say 50/50 but I really feel they say that so they don't hurt our feelings.

He will and is fighting me hard on this...he claims that's why he didn't leave earlier and instead had a 4year affair. Again blaming me for not keeping it in his pants.

It will cost me thousands...but if it's best for my kids it is never a waste. Plus he has no place, I think still wants the other whore in his life and I don't want her around my kids. That's the problem with finding all the documentation, texts and pictures I did. I honestly don't think if we end up in front of a judge he will win...but I also thought he was faithful.

My kids are very active...so just hanging at home is not real often anyway.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
devistatedmom
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at facts:

How do the kids get to your home after school? Can they get to his?

What time do you/does he work until, get home from work? What time are the kids activities? How do they get to these activities? Will both parents be able to get them there?

How much time does he spend with them now? Document.

Mine wanted 50/50 at the time. He didn't know where he would be living yet. He worked until 5, wouldn't be able to get DS to his sporting events with dinner in his belly. He expected me to just do all the "work" part, and still call it his night. Um, no.

You need to look at what you are doing, what will need to be done, distances, etc. Can it work to do 50/50? Is he already living out of the house? Can he get them to school? Home? To sports/activities? If he's that set on it, tell him, ok, next week is a trial week. Let's see if it works. They are yours Sun-Sat. See how it actually goes.

Try to forget your feelings about it for a minute...do you think he can actually do it? I knew mine couldn't, so we didn't go that way. Now, 17 and 14 y.o. kids go when they feel like it.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5577 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your questions could he do it if he had to yes. Has he in years past...no.

Right now my dd drives to high school and my son is within walking distance from the middle school. The places he is looking at are town homes and not within walking distance to the school. His solution was have them walk to my place and he could pick them up...um no...or have his mom pick him up...um no...she is a bitch and encouraged his affair.

So last night again I'm the one telling them to get to bed, enforcing rules and he is not. My daughter is playing it for all it's worth...she was a snot to me...and I'm so hurt and I refused to give in....he is doing this so they will tell the courts they want 50/50.

I had an appointment with my family dr yesterday and talked with him on this...he adamantly feels 50/50 is not healthy...based on all the kids he sees, he was there and by talking with those in the school systems...

So confused and hurting today.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your questions could he do it if he had to yes. Has he in years past...no.

Right now my dd drives to high school and my son is within walking distance from the middle school. The places he is looking at are town homes and not within walking distance to the school. His solution was have them walk to my place and he could pick them up...um no...or have his mom pick him up...um no...she is a bitch and encouraged his affair.

So last night again I'm the one telling them to get to bed, enforcing rules and he is not. My daughter is playing it for all it's worth...she was a snot to me...and I'm so hurt and I refused to give in....he is doing this so they will tell the courts they want 50/50.

I had an appointment with my family dr yesterday and talked with him on this...he adamantly feels 50/50 is not healthy...based on all the kids he sees, he was there and by talking with those in the school systems...

So confused and hurting today.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
Sadmumma
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure about us law but in Au whatever you do at separation will have big impact on final outcome. So, if WH is aiming for 50/50 but has no contact initially that will work in you favour.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depending on their age they may get a say but in general unless there is some serious verifiable major deficiency in your WS 50/50 is pretty much the norm. My kids are younger and I have 50/50 custody. We do week at a time Friday through Friday. Each of us does everything for the kids during the weeks we have them. My point is not to defend your WH but just to say unless there are some serious mitigating circumstances 50/50 is the norm. I would gladly have taken my kids 100% of the time. My WW was a shitty wife but a decent coparent so I deal with 50/50 because I honestly have no choice.


Am I being selfish because I don't want to be away from my kids? I'm being told so by him and I keep saying its best if they have a stable home...but can see and stay with their dad anytime.
I don't know your WH but if he isn't very active with the kids now then his push for 50/50 is likely tied directly to reducing his CS payments. I hope you already know this but who cares what yrou WH thinks about you right now. He would have 100% access to the kids if he wasn't SELFISH and had an A. Start documenting and talk to your lawyer.

Have you determined if you are going for sole legal and physical custody or are will you have joint physcial and legal custody?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:48 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Skye25
♀ 42954
Member # 42954
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the interim since I need to get a court order to get him out of the house I'm asking for primary custody and joint legal. In the state I live in 50/50 is not as common. In fact it is called more of a pro mom state. Our state guidelines are every other weekend and 1 overnight a week.

Trust me I have told him many times that he could see them all the time ... But not if we are divorced...but I also won't keep them for seeing him either.

He can be a great dad, but his actions and lies not just to me but the kids and sneaking around make him not a good person around her.


Me 40
Him 44
Married 20 years
Dday Feb 2014
kids
DD - 15
DS - 13

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: SD
HopeImOverIt
♀ 34517
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS 50/50 is pretty much the norm.

This varies by state and by country. It's not the norm where I live. I've also heard of one state that WILL NOT consider 50/50 unless BOTH parents want it, on the theory that it's unworkable without the active support of both parents.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
trustagain
♀ 16921
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO if he wants 50/50 he needs to do the work for it. He will need to get your son to school on time, get him from school, feed, get to sports, etc. He can't use your home as a "base" and get him after work "on his schedule". If he can do all of this and live in the school district I would let him. The kids are old enough and they will realize who they really want to live with after living with him. My DS is 17 and rarely sees his Dad anymore, but in all honesty he rarely sees me either. Sure he lives in my home (his Dad lives a hour away), but he is always at school, work or with friends. Really I get to feed him and make sure his clothes are clean . That is ok - kids grow up and if we were still married, it would be the same way. It took a while for my X to realize this fact.

I would simply tell him if he wants 50/50 then he needs to do "EVERYTHING" on his weeks. He needs to realize you are not there anymore. If your son is sick - WH needs to leave work and get him.

I think once he realizes all he will need to do he will most likely back off a little.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.