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Vague memory.

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Hurtgmw posted 4/4/2014 07:50 AM

Is it just mine or do all Ws seem to forget details like who was the 1 st meets of 4 (4 meets he has admitted to as he had verifications from then) he met, when he bought condoms, when he used them ...
I can't get any answers. He says he chucked the Pkt after OW1 then tells me he hid them in his brief case and used 1 with OW2 .... It doesn't add up !!!?
I'm sick of all the "i I don't remember" all the inconsistencies in his stories. For someone who has such a good memory in his work for model numbers, phone numbers.

My head going to burst. I want the troth. I want him to remember.

If he told me the truth for once this be so much easier for me to deal with. I keep digging and digging searching for answers.
He has lied since I found out. 1st saying he only met OW1 for coffee turns out they had sex in his hotel room.
He told me he didn't use hits phone to contact these people just messaged then on site then I find 500 texts to OW1 on his bill. There is a OW3 as well, that he rang a lot sometimes at 6am in morning when he was working in her area, I contacted her and she says she never met him and he says the same too, for whatever reason I believe him, but I'm such a useless judge of character as for 8 years I thought he would never do this. Forever telling me how much he was in love with me, ok we had our ups and downs, but he always swore to me he would never cheat on me and like an idiot I believed him.
Iv hardly slept in 4 days, DD feb 20th. Seems to be getting worse not better. Trying for R but until he can tell me the truth I can't see it happening. The sad thing is I still love him deeply.

I need strength from somewhere. I'm lost. I'm hurting.

For 2years he has led a double life, working away from home , on a swinging site. My world has collapsed.
My marriage ended 9 years ago to a violent abusive man. I thought my life couldn't get any worse after the beatings, 1 when I was 8 months pregnant with our child, well I was wrong. This pain by far is worse. Being in a violent relationship I could see the abuse, but I couldn't see the abuse my partner was doing to me by meeting these people and being on a sex site. I can't get a straight answer to be questions which is tormenting me.

This is mental abuse.

Hurtgmw posted 4/4/2014 08:01 AM

Thank you for all your help on here. If have been lost with out this site.
I haven't told a soul, I'm too ashamed and I want to protect him as I still want us to work. I know it's early days maybe in a little while I will feel different. I know if a friend had told me her partner or husband had did this I would tell her to boot him out, but it's easier said than done.
Iv taken a month off work as on top of this my father is seriously ill. Friday the doctors said he wouldn't last the night, he is 84 and being described by his consultant as a miracle. I love my dad so much but his quality of life now is zero, so sometimes I think it would be a blessing. My partner has been very supportive and I appreciate that so much. When the worst happens with my dad, I will need my partner as I couldn't go through that on my own. I have brothers and sisters but they are all in happy marriages. I envy them.

I'm back in work on Monday. Feel so exhausted. Don't know how I will cope.

craig2001 posted 4/4/2014 10:53 AM

My fWW favorite phrase was and still is I dont know and I dont remember.

I have never seen anyone who couldn't remember so many parts of their life. And no, I do not believe so many I dont remember answers either.

I can understand not remembering some things, but so many things.

If you believe your H really is trying, have him write out a timeline of everything. Writing helps the memory if they are being honest.

If you believe he is purposely lying and withholding the truth, just tell him you are going to set up a polygraph test.

confused615 posted 4/4/2014 11:31 AM

"I don't know/remember" is equal too "I know, but Im not going to tell you, because then I will have to deal with you being pissed."

It screams "memememememe!!"

Just like an affair.

It's wayward thinking.

Tell him he can either remember..or take a polygraph.

As for abuse...honey what your WH has done to you has been HIGHLY abusive. Mentally, emotionally, and most certainly physically abusive. He has had sex with random strangers. Condoms don't really matter(even if he claims he wore one ALL the time..which is a lie)...if there was oral sex involved, he has been exposed..therefore exposing YOU to the possibility of AIDS..cancer...infertility..pain..etc..etc. He has put your life at risk..over and over again..for YEARS.

And NOW that he has been caught..he now wants to claim he doesn't remember anything?


THAT is abuse.

An affair itself is abuse. Extreme abuse. But exposing you to every disease out there? While pregnant(thereby risking the life of his child..YOUR child)? Please don't minimize this. He is abusive. You are being abused.


ETA: I just noticed. He beat you when you were 8 months pregnant?

Get your ducks in a row. You are not safe with this man. Your children are not safe.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:33 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

Hurtgmw posted 4/5/2014 07:13 AM

Hi sorry. I didn't explain my situation properly. It was my ex husband that was violent. He was the 1 that physically abused me.

When I met this. "Lovely" Man I thought all my dreams had come true. He was so charming , loving, always paid me compliments and he was so gentle. He was everything my ex was never. And even through the times he was on this %#$€ing site he was the same - we had our bad times, who doesn't !!! ? But I had no idea what was going on. He works away with his work.

He has given me all access to his phone bills, emails. Will not delete history on his iPad so I can see all when he aWay. He is remorseful, promising me the world. I want us to work, I love him, but I'm just taking 1 day at a time. My emotions change from 1 min to the next.

Today, so far is a good day.

whattheh posted 4/5/2014 09:16 AM

My fWH has told me many details but he can't remember the month that he met OW (he thinks it was Fall). He deleted the secret email account, never texted, never saved anything to his hard drive from the whore, and rarely spoke via phone. He didn't spend money on her so no receipts.

I've read that the "can't remember" crap can sometimes be passive aggressive moves by the WS.

But the deception and lies of ommission seem common. I'm stubborn and will not let things drop until I get an answer which is why my fWH has recently started calmly telling me things and has agreed to try hard to do a timeline. I can't believe I've had to wait so long. The lying they do after dDay can cause the D more than the cheating and I can see why. We would have been so much further along in our healing if I had gotten the full story and details in the beginning.

So tell you fWH that his biggest mistake will be to continue saying he can't remember or doesn't know. He is risking the chances of R if he continues using this approach. The only way to heal and rebuild trust is to have a no secrets policy.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:18 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/5/2014 11:52 AM

Judge Judy always says you have to have an excellent memory in order to be a good liar.

Obviously, your husband doesn't have a good enough memory to remember WHICH lies he's already told you, so it causes confusion when you get a different answer to a question he's already answered in the past.

You'll probably always get the vague memory bullcrap from him. It's a lot easier to play the "I'm a guy and this crap isn't important to me, so I don't remember it" game than it is to be honest with you and deal with the repercussions for his bad behavior.

You know what's comical? My cheating ex-BF had told SO many freakin' lies over the course of the 3 months before I left him that he started forgetting what bullshit stories he'd told. One day he claimed he wasn't seeing his fat ass OW anymore because her old boyfriend had come back into her life and she'd started seeing him again. A few days later when I mentioned fat ass and her ex boyfriend's 'renewed' romance, he looked at me like I had two heads and asked where the hell I'd heard THAT??

told him HE'D told me that! He actually had the nerve to tell me I was crazy and that he'd never, ever said anything like that.

So you see - it really is true that these lying cheaters need to have an excellent memory if they're going to be successful in all the lies they tell on a daily basis.

But being honest, when it gets to the point that you actually have to start numbering the OW he's been with so you can differentiate between them, it's no wonder he can't remember all the lies he's told - he's juggling the lies for at least 3 OW (that you know of).

You deserve much better. You can see that, can't you?

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