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Obsessed with OW

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Mumof3 posted 4/4/2014 07:52 AM

Please help me.

R is going really well I would say. Apart from the fact that DH sometimes gets angry (he is a firey person) and I have known this for as long as I have known him, however these days if he does have a rant (not about me but about anything) then I start to wonder if he is really a monster and am I doing the right thing.

Anyway, that's not the main point of my post. DH and I are working really hard on R and it's going well.. We have had many days from hell and they still come but these days we have some good days too and we are much more connected than pre d day.

A problem I would say that I have is that I am completely obsessed with the OW. Now I think this is quite normal, right? And I have been from d day but I would say that as R is getting better my obsession is getting worse! I stalk we Facebook and Twitter account and I would do anything in my power to stalk her further. My therapist advised me to try to stop this and I did for a week and I felt much better but them I've gone back to it and obsessively. I am able to talk to DH about it and about how I do it but don't want to. He just tries to listen. Why am I doing this and has anyone else experienced this and come out of the other side realising that it's for the best to put her behind you.

DH tells me that he never wants to see her again and I think if he did he would find it hard because when e did some months back he had panic attacks (he felt scared he would get back into the affair - he worked with his therapist on this and then later understood it was all just triggers of the memory)..

Any advise would be most appreciated.

x x

LdyD posted 4/4/2014 08:28 AM

I would suggest blocking the OW from all of your social media accounts so that you're forced to stop stalking.

It's hard to not think or obsess about the OW, but try to remember this (I'm working on this myself).

The A was NOT about the OW. The A was NOT about you, or even your M! The A was about what is broken within your WS!!

Focus through MC and your WS through IC what the root Cause(s) (not excuses) is/are and for him to work on those issues.

Also, what I try to tell myself when I start letting the OW take real estate in my mind...
"My H wants ME, not her!
He is with ME, not her!
He Loves ME, not her!
I Won!
The A was a Fantasy, I am the Reality!"

bionicgal posted 4/4/2014 08:30 AM

I blocked AP on facebook - best thing I ever did. Any focus on her, is focus away from us. Do I feel the urge to check? Yes. Do I consider starting a fake account to check? Yes. But, I have learned there is no good information to be found there. If she is happy, that pisses me off. If she is sad, I feel threatened. If she posts about love, I don't know who she is talking about, my H? Her H? So it is nothing short of a giant mind-f&ck, which can put me in a bad mood for a whole day.

So, you are trying to answer a question for yourself by checking, which is likely -- "Is AP still a threat?" Or, "Will the karma bus hit AP and I will feel vindicated?", or ??. Just know, that none of these social media sites will ever give you that information.

Mumof3 posted 4/4/2014 14:27 PM

Thanks so much for your replies Lady and bionic. They were both so helpful. I really needed someone to understand me today and I guess to advise me to stop this. You are both so right in what you say. Lady, you are such a short time out of D day and yet so positive - well done. Bionic thanks for explaining my illogical thought process to me - you are so so spot on! Thank you. I will try to do the blocking of her. I need her out of my life. She is out of DH's and not mine right now - it is completely compromising our R!

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