SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just posting to be heard.

I wrote a letter to FWW that I won't send. The thoughts have been getting increasingly more confusing. Trying to decide how to get to the best place given the multitude of varying (and often conflicting)circumstances. Not as mad, but more lost than ever.

Dear FWW,

MM

Mind monkey,

I don't see why you shouldn't give her this letter. It is going to suck, but no amount of being heard by us is going to make this go away.

She will get mad, angry, not talk you. NOT communicating in these circumstances is exacting a heavy price on you.

These are mostly HER problems. Point them out to her and let her carry them.

If I can ask, what are you afraid of it giving this to her ?

Sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better. While it may be very difficult in the near term I can almost guarantee that you feel better for stating where you stand.

In the letter is buried a start to redemption for her. If she has the slightest remorse for any of this, it will register with her.

If she doesn't nothing with it, then you have an important decision to make. However in either case you let out the mental garbage that is distracting you from living the life you want.

At the end of the day, that is really what you want, right ?

If I can ask, what are you afraid of it giving this to her ?

I've let her read my journal before. Just certain entries that were written when I wasn't in a really bad place.

She got angry, started shaking & hyperventilating. I felt like shit for her emotional response that I caused. She makes me feel like an ogre and I don't like feeling that way about myself.

It's always been that way. I'm the son of a BPD "waif", I can't help but to assume responsibility for the pain a woman close to me holds. Effed up I know. I'm working with IC about it.

edited - this was a 2 x4, but I didn't really want it to be.

jmo - I know how painful this is, but I think you're doing yourself a major disservice.

I can't type easily with one arm in a cast, so this has to be an outline and shorter and choppier than usual, but I believe in some very important ways your letter is way off the mark.

you have no way to predict the future, especially decades hence.

change the letter and more important your thinking to say,

right now, I believe.... for example, I don't see us in rocking chairs as happy as we would have been....

right now I think the future will bring....

right now I feel...and 'feel' needs to be followed by sad or mad or glad or scared or love. anything else is likely to be a thought or a belief.

turn your letter into what you/think/believe/feel TODAY.

then talk about your thoughts, beliefs, feelings with your W. she needs to know what you're going through, and you need to share.

remember - talk about today, and make sure you and she understand you may change your mind in the future. because you will.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:16 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

Wow. I, too, wonder the f(x) of this letter. I felt defensive and hurt for your wife, and I am a BS. The stuff about the mothering bit is just, painful.

Are you now judge and jury on all her behavior b/c she is a wayward? It sounds like a progress report. Why don't you talk about how you feel, not what you think about her; you are going to get farther with that.

I have to agree with bionic here.

I cringed when I read that letter and just wanted to hug your wife

Her A is hers to own and your feelings there...I get it.

I don't understand where the judgements are coming from regarding her lack of cooking skills, algebra knowledge.....

this made me so very sad. She may be a WW, but she deserves to be lifted up through recovery, not beat down.

I am sorry if I misunderstand your intent, I don't want to be harsh, but in R WS's and BS's deserve respect, love and consideration for their pain and willingness to over-come it.

A word that kept popping up for me as I read your letter was respect. I now that usually we question whether or not the wayward respected the Betrayed because they cheated, but I am wondering if you felt respect for your wife before her infidelity or if what I felt as I read was a result of anger and resentment after the affair. It just didn't sound to me as if you actually like the woman who is your wife and the mother of your children. Is that accurate, or am I reading into this incorrectly? IF this is correct, maybe reconciliation will not be successful, but she will always be the mother of your children. So maybe counseling can help you both adjust expectations and reach common ground?

It is good to get your honest thoughts on paper. I agree that nobody can be 100% of what you need. Life is not a fairytale. But I have to agree with some of the other posters -- if you dislike her and don't respect her, why are you staying? You are still pretty young, and that is a long life ahead to spend with someone and feel so hopeless. Your happily ever after still may be possible, but perhaps not with her.

Also, think about the phrase "forever affect my happiness". It is up to YOU how you feel. It is your choice to try to be happy with her, or to move on and find happiness within yourself.

I'm getting a D, so I probably shouldn't even be posting here. Sorry. But I decided too that I didn't like way too many things about WH, and the only thing for me to do to be fair to us both was to move on.

I truly hope you don't read these responses and feel upset. Your feelings are valid, they are for everyone, the question is what we do with those feelings.

It feels like you're using those feelings from a legitimate betrayal to be kind of, well, mean. And if you want to be mean because you need to express your anger of the As, then so be it! You deserve it! However, if this makes you feel like you have the green light to address all the concerns you had pre-A, and they are listed in your letter, I would have to say they are not reasonable.

Instead of only looking at her emotional reactions to your words, do her reactions (even pre-A) ever make you look inward? If you're honest with yourself, are you really willing to consider the possibility that you might be wrong in some of your treatment to her? Please don't see any of this as justification for the A, it's just that you've posted in the R forum, and in this journey, there comes a time where titles of betrayed and wayward become second to partners. Partners need to be willing to change - both of them. I speak from experience. I would attribute most of the success of our R to my willingness to admit wrong and make changes. This does not come easily, and it does not come quickly, but it has been the saviour of our marriage.

Best wishes, truly.

Thanks for hearing me. Like I said, no intent to send it.

I really am feeling out some new space here. I like my W. A lot. She's my best friend. And I respect her when she's respectable. The part about the cooking and algebra? Again, no one can do Everything...and I am OKAY with that...really.

There are three areas where I dare not tread: parenting, appearance, and sex. If I present a complaint or alternative, she responds as if I called her an absolute failure.

More backstory: I read this after dday, and many times since. I feel this is my life. I am a party to it, but it makes me feel sad.

http://gettinbetter.com/waif.html

For everyone who feels sorry for my wife, I get it. I do to. But the link explains why (at least for

Me). I don't expect everyone to understand or anyone to agree. This is my headspace to figure out but appreciate the insight.

In hindsight, This should not have been posted in R. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. Most of the time it feels like R, other times ???

I just want to chime in a bit. I agree with most responses you've received but had one more thought while reading through. One of the best things we can do to create a better family/marriage//work relationship is to encourage. Focusing so much attention on flaws and inadequacies can breed alot of negativity and feelings of not being valued. These things suck the life from any chance at real intimacy. How different would it look if you were to encourage her and praise her when she does well or makes good efforts or when you notice good qualities that you admire. Hearing that others see and appreciate the good in us makes us want to be better. We want to hear more of the same. We like the feeling we get when we know something about us is special and meaningful to others. It boosts our self esteem. (Gently), It seems to me that after years of headshaking from you she could use some encouragement and appreciation. That doesn't mean overlooking her As by any means but from what you've posted this is not just post A behavior. If the two of you could learn to be each others biggest supporters, biggest comforts, best friends and each others soft place to fall you absolutely have a chance at sitting together happy and peaceful on that front porch swing when you're 85 and feeling very blessed.

MM

I get exactly what you said, (maybe it's a guy thing?)

I adored my wife. I thought of all the important decisions in my life, at least I got that one right.

It never crosses your mind that she would betray you in such away. A part of you dies. Some shit you just don't get over.

The hard part is to figure out how to turn those annoying imperfections back into these things you loved about her.

I just read the article that you linked to in your last post MM. Honestly, I'm concerned. Who the hell is this person? It reads to me like a cult leader. It does not sound therapeutic or productive in any way. It sounds like a justification for certain behaviours and treatments of others. It also feels like you may have read this and decided to diagnose your wife as a 'waif'. This is absolutely not fair or correct. We are not psychotherapists and do not have the right to diagnose our WSs.

The article reads angry to me too. I really tried to re-focus halfway through and keep reading without bias. I couldn't help but feel more and more concerned. Then I tried to read it thinking about the OW in my case, whom I would love to be angry at and hate and relate to this article. I can't even do that. There is so much justification and assumption about behaviour in that article, it's worrisome.

The things is, if you're taking that article as the foundation for your thoughts on your wife, I fear you may be stuck. I have been stuck by literature before. We BSs can read something that helps us to make sense of what happened and hang on to it for dear life. The thing is, affairs don't make sense, and to try to find the answer to 'why' as a BS, we can travel down a dangerous path. Have you shown your wife this article? Have you decided that she is a waif? It also feels offensive to abuse victims and women in general. As if hormones and emotional extremes are something to be diagnosed and guarded against.

I just want to let you know that when I find literature that is helpful now, it's all about ME, not figuring out my fWH. He has to do that, and the evidence that he is working on that is why we continue to R. If you focus on placing these assumptions on your wife's life, emotions and behaviour, I fear you will be closed off to listening to her, or at least truly hearing what she has to say.

Be weary of what you read, and look to yourself to change, only then can we figure out if we truly want to R or D.

I recently told my therapist that my biggest fear is that on my deathbed, I will think, "shit, the OW truly was the love of my H's life, and I convinced myself this wasn't the case so that my family could stay together." Which I think kind of relates to your porch theory, but has more to do with most betrayed women's biggest concern about being 'loved the right way'. She told me that yes, I may think that on my death bed, but her hope for me is that I have done enough work on managing depression and anxiety that I can have that thought, and dismiss it just as quickly as just that - a thought.

At first I kind of laughed that off, then I thought, shit, she's right. It's my choice. I decide what thoughts, concerns, anxieties I give power to, and which ones I can just notice and dismiss.

My only goal in posting is that you may consider another perspective, not to hurt you or belittle you, so I hope you hear the former and not the latter!

I don’t think you can ever be the type of mother I want for the kids.

Did you know this while you were dating?

Would I like it if you were a great cook? Would it be cool if you had an eye for interior design? Would it make me proud to see you help DD with her algebra?

Did you know while you were dating that she did not remember algebra?

The part about the cooking and algebra? Again, no one can do Everything...and I am OKAY with that...really.

Are you really Okay with that? Seems like if you were you wouldn't feel the need to remind your wife that she's not perfect. Is this something you guys have discussed before?