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krispy47 posted 4/4/2014 09:15 AM

I need some guidance on what to do. A month ago, I walked in on WH and OW in our guest room, and discovered that they had been having a 7 year LTA. He has since disclosed that they also occasionally had sex in our marital bed and in our family room.

Now I feel like I am living in a haunted house. I have been sleeping in my DD's room (she's away at college) and doing my best to cope. But every day on my drive home from work, I begin to feel sick that I have to enter that place, and angry that WH polluted the place that used to be my safe haven.

I am reluctant to relocate. I have a large, beautiful home which I have worked very hard on to make mine. I have extensive gardens which give me great pleasure. And my kids have never lived anywhere else. Add to that that I would not qualify for a mortgage on my own, so the kids and I would be looking at renting something small and cheap.

I've thought about redecorating and buying new, untainted furniture. Does that help? How about performing an exorcism? Does anyone have any good ideas for me?

doggiediva posted 4/4/2014 09:23 AM

My advice would be to ask your WH to leave..
You would be kicking out the old cheating WH with yesterday's trash..
Do some massive remodeling and redecorating while he is gone and do it on his dime..
Do not factor in your decisions your WH's tastes in design and decoration..
When or if your WH is allowed back into the home and the M he will have to accommodate these changes into his life with a smile..
Create a new life in a home that has been symbolically wiped clean of bad memories..
If your WH wants the M with a healthy R, he will have to make and deal with many massive changes..He will have do what it takes to help you heal and he will have to do it without impatience or complaints..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:41 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

veronique12 posted 4/4/2014 09:29 AM

Home is where you're supposed to feel safe, and in a lot of ways your M was your home too. Now both your literal and figurative homes are tainted.

Take back your house and make it a home for yourself again. It is yours. You need a haven, now more than ever.

Definitely get a new bed. If you can, new furniture and décor in those rooms. That way, the rooms won't be at all like they were when they were defiled by those two. Wipe them clean.

I think that will go a long way in at least making your home feel safe to you again.

I'm wondering too whether something like repeating positive affirmations about your home would help you reclaim the space.

ExpatSouth posted 4/4/2014 10:11 AM

While I never saw the graphic things you did in your house, my house remained haunted by memories after she moved out.

Over Christmas, I resolved to try to fight that. I repainted both bathrooms, bought new towels, painted over the awful pink/rose shade she had in the guest bedroom/office, and bought new pictures on the walls of the kitchen, living room, den. New sheets, comforter for the bedroom. New area rugs and runners for the hallway.

I had to cut back on my spending because I was on a mission! I plan to paint the front door a different color when it finally gets warm enough.

While the house still has those moments of haunting, changing the decor did help with the bad memories.

burnedcanuckEMS posted 4/4/2014 11:02 AM

I kicked my WH out the day after dday. Of course it was expedited by the fact that he didn't bother coming home for a few days after dday so I went ahead and changed the locks. I am sure he didn't think I was capable of that task so boy was he shocked when he did try to sneak home to get some stuff and his key didn't work I did let him in and told him to get what he needed and get the fuck out of my house. I let him take the 40' fifth wheel which was in my name at the time and thats what he still lives in to this day since he had to buy it out in the divorce.

I was really uncomfortable in my home at first and so once I got over the initial shock the clean up began. He wasn't bothering to come to get his stuff so I packed it for him. Tossed it all (was not gentle about it) into hefty bags and hauled them out to the garage. Next I had a bonfire with all of our wedding mementos. I cleaned the house to my liking and rearranged the furniture. All "couple" pictures removed and tossed. And I bought a nice new bed in a bag set for the bed. I don't know if they had sex in our bed but to me it was tainted anyways. All of that really helped remove that Haunted Feeling.

When divorce hit and we were splitting the furniture I told him to keep the bed, which was brand new - king size with a beautiful bed frame. The whole works was worth about $3500. Instead i kept the $50 used bed that was in our spare room. Now the house is sold and though I feel sad because it was the house I built just a year prior (he was no help), I am finding I don't really even miss it. I am happy in my little apartment and LOVE living alone.

whattheh posted 4/4/2014 11:19 AM

Yes my home and marital bed was violated in my case too.

We burnt the bed, the couch and moved out of the bedroom. That helped to lessen some anxiety but house is still haunted for me too. I sprayed lysol everywhere and did thorough cleaning. I broke glasses she used.

I relate to everything you've said. My home was my sanctuary too.

This invasion of my home and property still disgusts and mortifies me. I've read some do a spiritual sage cleaning to rid the home of negative energy and evil.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:20 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/4/2014 11:52 AM

What kind of pig violates his own wife's bed with his side piece? To me, that's such a disrepectful act of anger.

I'd throw the bed out - and him along with it.

betrayedidiot posted 4/4/2014 11:53 AM

I gave him the king size bed as he moved out. I got a queen instead to replace it -- makes it seem a bit less lonely. I rearranged the room (even just putting stuff in a new place makes a big difference) and bought new linens. The thing that tainted my home the most was WH, and after he left I felt a lot more confident in reclaiming my space.

I have a daughter, so I know what you mean about not wanting to take kids from the only home they have known. But my DD is 16, so she won't be here much longer. I have to decide if staying here is right for ME.

I might still relocate. If I sell the house, it might give me enough cash to afford something smaller on my own.

AndreaL posted 4/4/2014 17:05 PM

Ask him to leave, it will make a HUGE difference.

Bravenewgirl posted 4/4/2014 17:25 PM

Ugggghhhh I am so sorry you are dealing with OW cooties.

I would take every bed sheet, pillow, blanket, basically every textile, and donate it to a woman's shelter (washed of course). Get rid of everything that the mega skank might have left her traces on.

New mattress too possibly. And you may not wanted to sit on a sofa that is contaminated with OW farts.

Then burn some sage or sweet grass in a bowl. In Native American traditions, this is believed to have a purifying effect.

There is no reason you have to give up your home because Whoreasaurus darkened your door. Purge whatever you have to (up to and including WH if you choose) and reclaim your space.


[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 5:32 PM, April 4th (Friday)]

Furious1 posted 4/4/2014 17:44 PM

My WH did this with OW#1 and OW#4 (who happens to be my sister). Just two days ago, I had a huge bonfire in my back yard. I burned the mattresses, bedding, pillows, and everything else I felt absolutely had to go.

My therapist told me to make an entire cleansing ceremony out of it which I did.

Burning all of that stuff (and getting all new stuff) was very relieving. I felt like I was making a huge statement and reclaiming myself, my life, and my home. For the past two nights since buying them, I have been able to sleep like a baby on my new bed.

The way I see it, trying to heal from all of this is going to be hard enough. I don't want to make it harder on myself by keeping something that filled me with so much disgust and rage. It simply isn't worth it.

Selling my home is not an option for me. This is the house that I grew up in. I am starting a major remodel as part of reclaiming it but I can only afford to do one room at a time.

Nothing can erase what my WH did, but I can tell you that this has been empowering for me.

whattheh posted 4/4/2014 17:46 PM

I forgot to add that the psycho bitch in my case left things hidden specifically for me to find.

This included her dirty underwear in my laundry hamper, a bra in a bag in my laundry area, footies in a dresser drawer, tampons hair dye toothpaste and toothbrush in my bathroom cupboard, an overnight bag by my sideof the bed. I had a hysterectomy years ago so they certainly weren't mine. She was trying to make it look like she was moving in even though I was living there in ignorance that my fWH was cheating on me. I found things gradually which made things crazy. I burnt things I could including sheets pillows and pillow cases. Other things we dropped in rest area trash can.

My fWH tried to dump this CL whore after the first insemination (she tried to get pregnant that one time so he knew she was dangerous early on). But she started blackmailing him and like a fool he kept seeing her but no more IC. She left these things hidden for me to find as she was trying to disclose the previous PA. She would stalk my fWH and me and show up when she saw me go off shopping. One time she even followed me and came up to me in store to make small talk and I didn't know she was an OW at the time.

So I was extremely frightened in my home for a good year.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:48 PM, April 4th (Friday)]

krispy47 posted 4/5/2014 06:56 AM

(((whattheh))) So sorry. Why do they get involved with psychopaths?

In addition to begging my WH to fuck her in my bed, OW also befriended my nanny so that she had a legitimate reason to come and go in my home. She got a malicious thrill out of being here under my nose while I remained ignorant. Later, she sent me a note asking me to sympathize with her desire to "be near the man she loved."

Zayda1 posted 4/5/2014 07:11 AM

I threw out all bedding and towels that she touched. We put a new back splash in the kitchen, got new curtains for the living room, sold the bed, sold the living room furniture, replaced the carpet, rearranged furniture so if she were to come back into my house she wouldn't recognize it and we plan on doing more renos in the next little while. It's not perfect. I still see her "ghost" walking around my home, but it is much better than was.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 7:13 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

krispy47 posted 4/5/2014 11:47 AM

I just returned from a shopping trip: new beds, new mattress sets, all new linens. My next project is to paint both polluted bedrooms.

I am also toying with having my Wiccan friend do a smudging ceremony for me. Even if it's not real, I like the symbolism of chasing out negative energy. And just having her there to grieve with me would make my home a safer place.

Thanks for all of the ideas.

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