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Anniversary non-acknowledgement

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Emptynester3 posted 4/4/2014 09:51 AM

It's been 18 months since d-day and my husband has been remorseful, transparent , thoughtful, always available to talk, blah, blah, blah and that's all great! Our 29th anniversary is coming up and I'm dreading it. What I want is for the day to pass uneventfully, with no acknowledgement of a celebration or milestone. When I mention to my husband that I don't want to celebrate the day this year again, he gets annoyed. I mean, after all, what are we celebrating, that I'm still here,that we're still together! We're certainly not celebrating 29 years of being committed and truthful to each other! My husband had a 4 year affair with his book keeper! What I especially hate is other people congratulating you and admiring you for your faithfulness and loving commitment to each other . Ugh!

On our anti-versary this year we were invited to a family violin concert in a church followed by a dinner in a nearby restaurant where some relatives will be most likely wishing us a happy anniversary! I really wanted to be low-key this year, but felt obligated to attend . I'll have to be social, fake and happy all day. Maybe the distraction will be good. How do you deal with the anniversary issue? Do any of you have spouses who resent your feelings about it? Will I ever want to celebrate it again?

LdyD posted 4/4/2014 10:10 AM

I totally understand what you're saying. Our Anniversary is on Halloween. The EA started in August as a Facebook EA, the OW, her 5 year old daughter and her BP (who was my WH's and My best friend) came to our house to trick-or-treat with our kids! Knowing what they've been doing behind our backs!

The EA turned into a PA 2 days after our 11th anniversary!

There's No way in hell that I can ever celebrate our (as you said) Anti-versary anymore! That's gone! It's Meaningless now!

I do have an A season (August-February). Our R is going as well as can be expected and we have more intimacy in all ways than we ever had in our relationship and M.

We are going to pick a date in June (one of the few untainted months without any negative things happening for either of us) to renew our Vows for each other. Including new wedding rings. This will be the New Anniversary date that we will celebrate our new commitment to each other. The original date now is only formality since that can not be changed without getting a D.

Even though my signature says how long we've been married and together for, once we Renew our Vows... That will signify day 1 as Newlyweds. A new beginning. I'm not quite sure if it'll be this June yet. Depends on my healing process.

[This message edited by LdyD at 10:11 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

Stronger4it posted 4/4/2014 13:50 PM

I hear you. The anniversary means nothing anymore. What are we celebrating?

The way I see it, he broke up with me without telling me. Began to date, fuck and fall in love with another woman. Only one of us was in a committed relationship (not him).

If anyone asks, we've been on and off for 20 years. Recently - together for 5 months.

karmahappens posted 4/4/2014 13:59 PM

What I especially hate is other people congratulating you and admiring you for your faithfulness and loving commitment to each other .

I would congratulate you on surviving. I would toast your ability to fight to repair, to heal and to over-come.

I would cheer the wonderful memories you have that cannot be taken away.

I would acknowledge his attempts to own his shit, to right his wrongs and to make your life going forward a healthy, happy one.

His A isn't the definition of your marriage and it isn't a reflection of the time, love, tears and sacrifice it takes to get to 29 years.

You have to do what makes you comfortable, but I have always embraced our ability to get through this storm.

Having just celebrated our 26th I believe all of the above to be true.

I don't go a day without knowing I am blessed for the two of us to have found the strength to continue.

I hope one day you feel the specialness of your accomplishment, I see it and I don't even "know" you.

(((hugs)))

Jrazz posted 4/4/2014 14:07 PM

You may, or you may not.

Last year was our 5th Anniversary, and I couldn't really conjure an emotion either way. I think that there's some sentimentality still there for me, but it's not a celebration anymore. I'm glad we married so that we could bring our beautiful daughter into this world. I appreciate that.

Maybe the two of you could create a new anniversary? A vow renewal of some sort? I know that 30 years is a great amount of time and it feels like you should do something about it, but in essence you're in a new relationship and that might warrant a different acknowledgement.

Either way - distraction is great. I try to get us out of town for the last couple weeks of June every year. It helps.

(((Emptynester3)))

BdayDday posted 4/4/2014 14:08 PM

I can relate, I'm dreading our Anniversary.

Last year, we went away for the weekend and had what I thought was a wonderful time. After DDay I found out by reading texts on WH's phone that he told the OW he was going away for a boys weekend, of course he couldn't tell her we were going out of town to celebrate our Anniversary. He later texted her that I had ruined his boys weekend by coming along. Ouch. That will never stop pissing me off.

The vow renewal idea is a great idea. I still haven't put my wedding rings back on since DDay.

tushnurse posted 4/4/2014 14:20 PM

I'll have to be social, fake and happy all day.

Excuse me, but Um NO, no you don't. You don't want to celebrate? Don't tell him flat out, you are not going to celebrate, you will not be attending, and you want NO ONE to acknowledge it, and if that means you spend the day hiding under a rock you do it.

My point is, you get to decide this stuff. A really remorseful spouse will do whatever it takes to get through this stuff. He can get annoyed by you not wanting to celebrate, but he better damn well respect your wishes.

The year H was having his A, he forgot our anniversary, or was so wrapped up in guilt that he couldn't in good conscience celebrate. He did get me a card last minute, and just signed his name, no hand written sentiment, nothing, just his name, and the kicker, it was in pencil. WTF?

I was so blown away by it I couldn't believe he was so fing heartless. The next anniversary we were well on our way to R. Did I want to celebrate it? No. My biggest fear was that he would forget again though. So I warned him I wanted something, some sort of realization that it was a special day. He didn't let me down, he got my parents to watch the kids and took me fishing for 3 days. Just us. Alone, on a lake, it was perfect. We talked about whatever we wanted, and yes that included talk of the A. We have done it every year since.

I will be damned if that day is ruined for me because he was an ass. Nope that is a good day and a great memory for me. When we got Married it was really a thing that I had worked hard for so we could get married. It meant I had achieved some pretty high goals I had set for myself. I still celebrate it.

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