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was it right to tell BH this?

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Alyssamd24 posted 4/4/2014 11:34 AM

While I was going to work this morning I passed XAP driving in his car. There was no interaction or anything and I don't even know that he saw me, since I have a new car.

I called my BH when I had a chance and told him that I had seen XAP. I thought I should tell him because I wanted to be honest and didnt want to hide anything from him.

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

BS please feel free to respond also!

heforgotme posted 4/4/2014 11:41 AM

I think it was entirely appropriate for you to tell him.

No more secrets.

Good job.

bionicgal posted 4/4/2014 11:45 AM

Happened yesterday to my H . . .

One of the first things our MC told him was that if he even sat at the same stoplight with the AP he'd better disclose it, as chances are someone will see them, tell me, and it will be misinterpreted. Good work!

rachelc posted 4/4/2014 11:53 AM

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.

We have this understanding as well. I'm pretty sure he's seen either one of his OW and not told me. Why ruin my day? Doesn't understand why I need to know.

veronique12 posted 4/4/2014 12:32 PM

Absolutely the right thing to do. That was a terrific opportunity to help build trust.

Jrazz posted 4/4/2014 12:46 PM

If FWH saw the AP and kept that information to himself, I would have been really hurt and felt like trust was broken.

I think you did the right thing.

ReunitePangea posted 4/4/2014 13:07 PM

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

As a BS, sure I wish my WW would not have to driven past AP but I fully would understand if it happened it happened and would be glad she told me. By telling me, she would have earned another trust coin in the piggy bank.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/4/2014 13:17 PM

I really think that as hard as it was to hear that from you, the fact that you were willing to share it, knowing that it would hurt, and knowing that you would probably not have known any other way, this was the bravest act and should help your spouse begin to believe that you are serious about healing your marriage.

7yrsflushed posted 4/4/2014 13:21 PM

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.
^^^^^This. As a BH whose sbxww worked with her AP, I wanted her to tell me every time she saw him. She never did. Yes we may get upset but every single time you come back and tell us it does build a little trust.

NoGoodUsername posted 4/4/2014 15:21 PM

Better to over-communicate than to get in the habit of hiding things. Hell, last week, I told my BW why I moved the car during the day.

If I had actually driven past my AP, you better believe I would be on the phone to my wife.

rachelc posted 4/4/2014 15:53 PM

it would actually be a dealbreaker to me if I found out he saw one and didn't tell me. It would prove that he still can't come to me with that information and is conflict avoiding. thus, not a safe partner for me.

JustWow posted 4/4/2014 16:29 PM

Has he asked you to let him know these details? I ask because while an awful lot of us BS's would give a necessary limb to have a WS be willingly open and honest like this, there are those who do not want it. So, what really makes this a good or not-so-good move would be what your H says he wants in these situations.

Maybe ask him ?

Alyssamd24 posted 4/4/2014 16:55 PM

When I called him to tell him he said he was glad that I had told him and thanked me for doing so.....but I dont know what he thought about the rest of the day, and now he is at work.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/4/2014 16:56 PM

Sorry.....double posted again

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday)]

JustWow posted 4/4/2014 17:06 PM

Well, good. So if you are worried that telling him when you did might have made his day more difficult, maybe ask him tonight if he would prefer that you tell him right away, or maybe sit down and tell him after your daughter has gone to bed.....

Alyssamd24 posted 4/4/2014 17:11 PM

Well unfortunately I will not see him tonight (he works second shift) but I will ask him tomorrow while he is home.

meplusfour posted 4/4/2014 17:43 PM

BW here. You did the right thing. By telling him that you saw the XAP, of your own volition, indicates that you have changed and that you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication. If you had not told him, chances are that he never would have known that you saw him. But you told him immediately and that provides reassurance to him.

So tomorrow when you see him after work, tell him that you were worried about him and ask how he is doing. By letting him know that you are aware that this incident may be difficult for him will help him move through this. Be willing to listen to him talk if he likes, or ask if he would like to spend some time together.

introspect posted 4/4/2014 17:52 PM

Totally did the right thing. As others have said, maybe ask him when he'd like you to tell him if it happens again (right away versus when you are home and together). My FWH knew it was vital that I know right away about any encounter, for others, it might be easier to wait. Either way, this sort of openness helps rebuild trust.

rachelc posted 4/4/2014 17:56 PM

you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication

so true. I've asked my husband for one thing - honesty. Not fidelity - honesty. Because you can't fake that. And it prevents a lot of other issues. and it builds intimacy. And it shows mature emotional health. Integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

Way to go, girl.

lilflower1000 posted 4/4/2014 18:01 PM

Alyssa,
What you did was perfect! Do not use the excuse that you will hurt him to lie or hide truths. That's what gets so many WSs into trouble. Unless your BS specifically asks you not to tell, you should tell everything. Every time my WS voluntarily discloses info, it brings me a little closer to trusting him again.
You did the right thing.

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