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betrayed13yrs posted 4/4/2014 13:12 PM

Soooo, I think I'm going to start putting myself back out there. I DO NOT want anything serious, but I could definitely use some damn intimacy. That, and it'd be nice to feel wanted. I'm pretty much indefferent toward WH. The anger I do get only has to do with the games he plays using our children; in regards to his cheating and lying, I am over it. I have "known" it was going on for the past 13 years, so if anything I'm relieved that it's no longer behind my back anymore. I honestly pity the poor women he lures.
I was reading that you should wait 2 years after a D is final to start dating, ummmmmm NO. I am definitely NOT waiting 2 years to get laid. Haha. I know that number would probably be a good amount of time for some people, it depends on the damage done and that everyone heals differently and at different paces. I understand that you should wait until the angst and anger is done, but I don't feel angry at what he's done, I'm relieved that it's not happening to me anymore. I want to find out who I am, try new things, enjoy life. If I find love along the way then I won't shun it; but for now, I think I'll focus on my children, myself, my career, and some casual dates here and there:)

lieshurt posted 4/4/2014 13:34 PM

To me, there is a difference in wanting to date and wanting to get laid. Getting laid is easy, takes minimal effort and doesn't necessarily involve emotions. Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.

Crescita posted 4/4/2014 13:50 PM

To me, there is a difference in wanting to date and wanting to get laid. Getting laid is easy, takes minimal effort and doesn't necessarily involve emotions. Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.

There's also a difference between wanting to date and wanting a relationship. FWB/FB isn't for everyone, and certainly doesn't ensure against emotional entanglement. As long as she is honest that she isn't looking for anything serious I don't see the harm.

Ready_to_run posted 4/4/2014 13:51 PM

Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.

The big problem with this approach is that it just adds way more baggage to your already complicated life. With each new partner comes a new bond that needs to be broken and more hurts as you will inevitably become attached to some along the way.

Be very careful out there. What starts out as fun and casual can oftentimes end in tears and misery.

betrayed13yrs posted 4/4/2014 14:03 PM

I'm not a fuckbuddy type, as good as it sounds. If something along the lines of a fuckbuddy were to come around and I genuinely didn't have an attachment that'd be great; but advertising for one would make me feel a bit cheap. LOL

I know that there is always the possibility of getting attached. I'm looking to casually date. Certainly if something real comes around I will not push it away, you never know when "real" love will happen by you. God knows that what I had before was not real love. If I eventually fall in love with a great guy, FANTASTIC!!! If not and I have some fun casually dating, that's fine by me as well:)

lieshurt posted 4/4/2014 14:06 PM

Actually, if FB is done correctly, then you really do not have to worry about emotional entanglements. It's when people cross the line and start bringing "relationship" behavior into the mix that the problems and emotions occur.

betrayed13yrs posted 4/4/2014 16:26 PM

Curious...How exactly do you date? LOL
I've been out of the game for a bit. I was thinking of perhaps the online thing. Otherwise the only real option is bars, and I WILL not meet a man at a bar.

Amazonia posted 4/4/2014 19:21 PM

I tried to casually date. It didn't work for me, really. I met some nice guys, but didn't want a relationship with them, and it got awkward fast, because I wasn't looking to sleep with them either. Be sure you know your limits, before you meet someone, if you're being honest with yourself about not wanting a relationship (if you're lying to yourself because on some level you know it's too soon for you to be really dating but want to do so anyway, well, I can't help you there).

How many dates will you go on with a guy before you end it? How far will you go physically without some sort of commitment or exclusivity in place, since you don't want a FB or a relationship? How long must you date someone to find your own magical place between those two things you don't want where you're comfortable sleeping with them? What do you plan on doing when you start feeling attached to someone even though you know he's not up to the standards you ought to have for yourself?

Just make sure you've thought through this stuff before you get enmeshed and hurt some nice guy who really likes you just because you want an ego boost but don't have what you need to actually invest in someone right now (and I agree that at this point in time, you probably don't).

ETA: I say this all from personal experience and mistakes I made along the way. It's not just random. Please learn from my mistakes instead of repeating them.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:00 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Caretaker1 posted 4/6/2014 20:28 PM

The AP sometimes marry each other so why not date?

Caretaker1 posted 4/6/2014 20:33 PM

My Stbx jumped right into a new committed relationship and is already talking engagement and blending families and the divorce is still pending. I choose to wait, but everyone's different. She introduced her bf to young kids within 3 months of meeting him once papers filed. Not my method and my moral compass feels it's adultery, but see you later is my thought. Over 20 years invested, kids in therapy, so am I but it's all going to be fine. I have had opportunities, but I'm not interested yet in introducing anyone new to my girls. I also don't have the energy and feel it wouldn't be fair to me or the new interest. Live and let live. If you feel ready jump. I have read it is best to wait until after the divorce is final, but everyone is different. I couldn't cheat, but she could go figure. Good luck I say.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 8:37 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

StillLivin posted 4/8/2014 14:51 PM

Every situation is different. My STBXH had a LTA. I didn't know about it though. Therefore, I didn't have the time to process it.
You state you knew. You went on that rollercoaster for a very long time.
If you are at true indifference and are only mildly irritated by his antics, sounds like you are a lot closer to being ready than most.
I know I'm not ready because I still cry from time to time and I don't want to bring that grief into something new that is supposed to be happy.
And, when he does stupid stuff, it still frustrates me to no end. Not that mild irritation like swatting a fly that I strive to get to.
If you aren't hurting anymore, then you know it.
Having known about the A for a much longer period, you may have reached indifference a long time ago and healed.
Just be careful, maybe dip only the toes in to check the waters.

BrokenDaisy posted 4/8/2014 15:31 PM

The AP sometimes marry each other so why not date?

Because the last people you should learn from or imitate are cheaters. Just because cheaters are stupid enough to do it doesn't mean you should go out and date asap. Most cheaters can't be alone because they need the external validation and constant ego kibbles. Hardly a healthy example to follow (and I promise you very rarely, if ever, a healthy/good relationship.)

Amazonia had some very wise advice.

libertyrocks posted 4/9/2014 18:04 PM

It's science. When a woman is with a man, she physiologically forms an emotional bond with him. He doesn't do the same in return. Guard your heart, darling. I know, I'm getting pretty darn lonely too. But, the aftermath of FB behavior is not a pretty sight. In fact, it will only make things worse.

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