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Newest Member: Thrivingforward (61554)

User Topic: Guarded and Hesitant
♀ 42085
Member # 42085
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question is for those that are in the positive reconciliation stage. I am 3 mos into this process. My husband is doing everything right we are in counseling (its going well) I am in individual counseling to learn to control the anger I developed from his affair. He's providing reassurance, released all passwords, being accountable for his time away from home, giving me extra attention, gifts, roses and love, etc. However, I am extremely guarded and doubtful of him. I still don't trust him. I have spells of anger where I dont want him around me. How long will this feeling last? I feel like I will never be the same.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: missy1
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi missy1

I am almost two years out from D'day and every word that you used to describe how you are feeling at three months still applies to me. I can say in truth the "hills" on the roller coaster seem to get gentler. IMHO the feelings will stop when we are completely healed from the wounds that were inflicted.
I find that it helps me if I don't put so much pressure on myself to heal and just let it unfold.

I don't know if my response helps you but just wanted you to know that you were heard and you are not alone. (((((missy1))))))

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 42039
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, I am nearing 7 months and sadly I have come to realize that this really is going to be a long process, 2-5 yrs is the time often quoted. It is great that your husband is doing what he needs to do to help. You need to be kind to yourself, you are grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You cannot rush the process.
It is referred to as a roller coaster ride because your emotions will be up and down. You have barely begun, but the pain will slowly lessen with time. Keep posting here.

Me: BS, 46
Him: SAWH, 48
Married 25 yrs
4 daughters, 9-21 yrs
D-days:Too many to list. 1st July 10, 2013

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gently, 3 months is still early. just being out of shock is an accomplishment. it's way too early to make yourself very vulnerable. probably the only approp. anger control now is to express it in a healthy way. trust probably should be something for late 2015 - if your h does the necessary work. imo, trust generally rebuilds slowly for a long while.

si's rule of thumb is 2-5 years from last hurt for recovery - life gets better as you go along, but healing takes a lot longer than any bs wants it to.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16819 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 4

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