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Guarded and Hesitant

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missy1 posted 4/4/2014 19:38 PM

This question is for those that are in the positive reconciliation stage. I am 3 mos into this process. My husband is doing everything right we are in counseling (its going well) I am in individual counseling to learn to control the anger I developed from his affair. He's providing reassurance, released all passwords, being accountable for his time away from home, giving me extra attention, gifts, roses and love, etc. However, I am extremely guarded and doubtful of him. I still don't trust him. I have spells of anger where I dont want him around me. How long will this feeling last? I feel like I will never be the same.

toughernow posted 4/4/2014 20:01 PM

Hi missy1

I am almost two years out from D'day and every word that you used to describe how you are feeling at three months still applies to me. I can say in truth the "hills" on the roller coaster seem to get gentler. IMHO the feelings will stop when we are completely healed from the wounds that were inflicted.
I find that it helps me if I don't put so much pressure on myself to heal and just let it unfold.

I don't know if my response helps you but just wanted you to know that you were heard and you are not alone. (((((missy1))))))

phoenix2015 posted 4/4/2014 20:04 PM

Missy, I am nearing 7 months and sadly I have come to realize that this really is going to be a long process, 2-5 yrs is the time often quoted. It is great that your husband is doing what he needs to do to help. You need to be kind to yourself, you are grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You cannot rush the process.
It is referred to as a roller coaster ride because your emotions will be up and down. You have barely begun, but the pain will slowly lessen with time. Keep posting here.

sisoon posted 4/4/2014 23:17 PM

gently, 3 months is still early. just being out of shock is an accomplishment. it's way too early to make yourself very vulnerable. probably the only approp. anger control now is to express it in a healthy way. trust probably should be something for late 2015 - if your h does the necessary work. imo, trust generally rebuilds slowly for a long while.

si's rule of thumb is 2-5 years from last hurt for recovery - life gets better as you go along, but healing takes a lot longer than any bs wants it to.

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