I feel like the A would've continued until the OW talked him into ending it and filing. I would've been so much happier if he had ended it on his own. I kind of guessed he was having an A ( but I really thought they were just flirting) and then he admitted that he was in full on A.
Getting caught means that they didn't really want to end it. Right?
To stop the A on their own and then confess seems more like the actions of a person who wants to make it work with the spouse.
Do you agree?
My WH was found out when his AP sent a text to his phone. He said he was relieved the A was discovered - they were 'trying' not to have their affair because they both knew it was wrong
But he also admitted that their 'on-again, off-again' affair may have continued if it had not been discovered.
Life sucks sometimes!
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
In our case, I am 100 percent confident he wanted to get caught so I would end the affair for him. He is terrible at confrontation in all aspects of his life. His affair was out of town. It only went on when I was out of town so he was free to travel, with no questions asked. He never interacted with her, by phone or in person, when I was around--few cell phones then. lol So the first time he did, he was caught!
After he was caught, practically the first words out of his mouth were his relief that it was over. Like sunvalley, I doubt my husband would have ended it, but she probably would have since he wasn't going anywhere. I had absolutely no idea he was cheating. As I said, it was totally on his time, not ours, so I never had a reason to question him about anything. I would have bet our kids' lives that "my" husband wouldnt do that.
His life with me, his spouse, always worked. He didn't expect it to not. What a moron he was/is.
If your spouse had one, you'd think the other would be easier to deal with.
Truth is they all hurt, no matter what.
So for me, it's not confession but the fact that he was absolutely ready to leave me and begged OW to leave her spouse for him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we make comparisons that aren't valid. I went through a stage of thinking it would have been better if it were "only" a EA or if it weren't a student..... This bargaining doesn't do anything to help you deal with the reality we face now.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
I think each case is different. consider - for example, if a ws is caught because she wants to be caught, how do you evaluate that?
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
The other 99.95% f the stories I've read were about the cheaters getting caught.
Not very good odds, I'm afraid.
This is definitely not true in any or even maybe most WW/BH situation but there are enough of them to make a pattern I think.
An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum
Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and confessed everything. That was DD#1. He begged me to stay and said he ended everything with her. We started MC. Around 6 months in he started acting distant and grumpy again. Eventually she posted something on social media that clued me in that he had seen her again. That was DD#2. I immediately confronted him and after trying to lie for a minute he confessed again. I told him the marriage was over then and there.
We are still married but in name only. Now he seems truly remorseful and seems to have hit bottom. He's in IC doing some serious work and has started anti depression meds (his IC diagnosed him, said he's had it for years). I'm in IC too. He's saying and doing all the right things but honestly I don't know if I can try this again. I can't say which way was better... the confession felt a bit better but then again it wasn't real. This time even worse but now the outcome is different on his end, The whole thing is confusing. Sucks no matter what really.
[This message edited by ShellyShell at 5:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]