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More lies only this time about me

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Looby-loo posted 4/5/2014 07:13 AM

It's been such a long time since I posted here, but this morning I think it's the best place for me to turn.

Since DD (Dec 27, 2011) I've come so far.
7 months waiting for BH to 'talk' about what he had done with in-house separation during that time, which included him continuing to see her a few nights a week but lying of course, telling me he was meeting his best friend XXX.
I filed for D at this time, which was followed by an additional 6 months of in house separation, before he moved into a rented house in Jan 2013.

He continued to see her and they are still together.
Her parents bought a house and WS and the OW have moved in together since Jan 2014 - with her 3 children now aged 7, 11 & 13.

Meanwhile, I have been left in our family house, trying to sell it and maintain it all this time. The market is slow and to date we have had just 2 viewings. He has continued to pay his half of the mortgage, which a big relief, but he has on a few occasions mentioned that he won't be able to continue. So far it's been ok.

Not that I'm bothered, but it's likely he is living with her rent free whilst she feels sorry for him.

I broke contact with his mother about a year ago when she sent me a text pretty much saying goodbye. It included "I didn't want things to turn out this way", "I don't wish you any harm", "I've heard so much from other people, non family members" suggesting I was spreading gossip, "it's breaking up my family and making me I'll and I don't need this" ... painting her son as a victim and me as breaking up her family because he and one of his sisters aren't speaking.

I have remained friendly with his youngest sister because we were best friends before all this and she has been there for me throughout. As have I when she has had problems (losing a baby). The reason they don't talk is because he also slept with her life long friend who told her about it and she told me. He is angry that she did that and no doubt afraid to face her about it. After all, he has refused all this time to speak to me about the breakdown of our marriage, leaving me to find closure all by myself. I find that part impossible.

Last night I went out with my SIL and after quite a few glasses of wine, she told me that she had had a big argument with her mother a few months ago. She said her mother tried to tell her that my WS had suffered so much when he was with me. She apparently listed off a whole list of things I was supposed to have done. The only one she told me about when I asked what kind of things she had said was that I HAD LOCKED FOOD AWAY FROM HIM!

I can't quite believe what she said and this morning am still scratching my head at why anyone would make up something so ludicrous. It's quite frankly pathetic and it's worse to think that someone would actually believe that. I even found myself thinking did I? But I remember throughout it all, I kept on offering him dishes that I made that were in the fridge. I used to feel mean making a shepherds pie or casserole and not offering him any. He always refused.

The thing is, even though he is a liar, I can't imagine him saying this to his mother. She has always told me that he won't open up to her, so I can't see him saying it.

My SIL told me that she put her foot down with her mother and told her that she was quite capable of making her own mind up about things and that she did not see her brothers situation the way her mother did. Her mother also told her that nobody from their town would bother with me now and named a few people who had disowned me. What???? Unfortunately for her, she named a couple who have remained my friends and we meet up regularly, sometimes together with my SIL, so there was no way she could believe this. Sort of proved my MIL to be a liar too.

I have a sneaky suspicion it may be the OW filling my MIL's head with nastiness about me. I really don't know.

The bad thing is, I can't defend myself because I can't mention the fact that my SIL has told me this.

I hate that the problems seem to keep on coming, even though I had done everything I can to detach from them.

HFSSC posted 4/5/2014 08:40 AM

The bad thing is, I can't defend myself because I can't mention the fact that my SIL has told me this.

Gently, why would you WANT to defend yourself to this person? Sounds to me like the only person in that family worth knowing already knows the truth. Your (stbX)MIL is clearly aligned with her son, and it's great that she's letting you know that so clearly. There is nothing to be gained from trying to maintain or restore that relationship, and plenty to lose.

Stay strong. Move forward. Anyone who is worth knowing, knows the truth. Anyone who believes the lies is not worth the time or breath it would take to convince them otherwise.

Wodnships posted 4/5/2014 09:54 AM

If I were you I'd set some boundaries with the SIL and ask her not to talk about any of this with you any more. There is really no point to it. All it's going to do is make you feel bad. Why set yourself up to feel bad?

Looby-loo posted 4/5/2014 14:09 PM

Thank you for your wise replies. I knew it would be worth sharing here. Just feeling a little out of focus this morning, but better now thanks x

Getting to Happy posted 4/5/2014 14:37 PM

Hey Looby, It is nice hearing from you. I remember you. My DD is in the same year as yours.

I am so glad that you have continued your healing and have become strong. You landed on your feet. Good for you!

The sage advice in the last two posts are spot on. Try not to give a care about an opinion from someone who does not like you. The people that love and care for you know the truth about your situation. They have stuck by you when you were down. These are the people who count.

I know that when you have been gravely injured that it takes time to find yourself, your bearings. Trust in yourself, your resiliency. You have come a long way...and I would say that you are healing nicely.

Keep posting, it is nice to hear from you.

Take Care Sweet Looby-loo.

Looby-loo posted 4/5/2014 14:59 PM

Getting to Happy ... You're post made me feel fuzzy :)

It's so lovely to be remembered and so lovely to read your positive words. It seems you too have come a long way along this road of recovery. We are making it, we are growing stronger by the day, even if we do have the odd hiccup or insecurity.

This is such a great place to be able to turn and there's always someone to share the burden or offer a welcomed opinion or waggy finger when needed.

I will stick around and now feel a bit like I can help others. I didn't feel that way before ..... It's a good sign :)

Hugs to you my little cyber friend xx

Mousse242 posted 4/5/2014 15:48 PM

I hope you have seen an attorney and have a plan to file and hold him legally responsible for his half of expenses regarding the home until it sells. If you haven't. Do it. Now. Get that stuff in the court, keep communication to written e-mail or text where you can copy it. A judge will not look kindly upon abandonment and then threatening to withhold money until the house sells.

Second, your stbxMIL can say anything she wants. Who cares. Obviously you know differently with these friends. If they believe her then they really were not your friends. As for the OW, let her keep the mess she's gotten herself involved with. It's not your problem anymore.

Focus on you, your healing, etc. If you don't want to know about your stbxMIL, tell your friend/SIL it's not a topic for discussion when you get together. I'm sure that there is a lot of other things you two can talk about other than the STBX and the rest of his family.

Ostrich80 posted 4/6/2014 00:24 AM

I completely agree with the poster that said to set boundaries with sil. I've done this with one.of mine that we won't discuss a certain hot topic if we are to remain friends. There's no need for her to tell you garbage that upsets you. Looks like there are no children involved so NC with any of your ex-crazies would be best. Sil prob doesnt mean to upset you but since she's fighting with them, she's prob just venting.

sunvalley posted 4/6/2014 00:48 AM

I dont know if I can help but I can relate...I was the daughter MIL never had. When it came out about WHs 4PAs last year she begged me for answers about what was going on with him. I put up boundaries, explained that I have friends for support and only told her the basics once his lies resulted in me kicking him out...unprotected, in my home yada yada. She went on some rampage about how gave her too many details...huh? She asked me to share, told me she was concerned about his mental state and then when I say I kicked him out because he had someone in our home I was sharing too much? I apologized to her if she *felt I shared too much but reminded her she asked me.

Once IC started examining his childhood and some narcissistic behaviors of him in the persona he made for the As MIL lost it...the As were MY fault. I had "abused him" for years and he finally couldnt take it so he reacted by having As..You can imagine how I internalized these accusations when I already felt so low and wanted to blame myself. I knew deep down that this was her projecting her insecurities and emotions on me cause IC wanted to talk to her and she refused....but it still hurt and I wore her accusations for a while even though I have never even spoken down to WH and have suppprted him through many issues in our lives together. We are in R and he has had to distance himself from MIL and give her NC with me as per ICs suggestion, but my point essentially is your MIL may be making these accusations up herself based on her own insecurities in raising a man who could do this. I know tje guilt was heavy in my MIL before she lashed out on me. She exibited a lot of mothers guilt in the questions she asked me...she even asked if the As were about her...oiy! Its hard to know they are talking badly about you after all youve been through but trust that it shows more of their character than yours.. its kicking someone when they are down...yes shes acting to protecct he son or her image of her son and what good job shes done raising him but its not ok to project her $@#@ on you.

Looby-loo posted 4/6/2014 17:49 PM

Your replies have been so welcomed thank you. I've been feeling ridiculously low today. I really don't understand it. I've been doing really well and then this weekend, I feel like a ton of bricks has landed on my head. I haven't stopped crying all day.

I've had a few triggers though as I had to alter some details in Paypal and link a new bank account which is in my married name, which upset me. I had to scan in my marriage cert as identity, which really upset me and it was in a box with our wedding video and photos. Need I say more?

Yes, I watched the video and I looked so different in it (2007). I looked slim and beautiful and so happy. I don't know where that person is any more. I don't know how to get back to being me and I feel old and worn out.

As for my StbxMIL, I'm not interested in her in least. I don't ever want to speak to her again if I'm honest and you are right, who cares what she says ... Oh and yes, you are right, she is likely to have made stuff up about me. I hadn't even considered that!!!

Her text completely out of the blue after 10 months of not seeing her was as follows word for word:

"Please xxxxxx (my name) didn't want to fall out with you but I'm sure it is hard for u to move on but I am fed up with all this tickle tackle. Do u not think all this should be between u and xxxxx (WH) as it has caused a big rift in my family. I have never heard xxxx (WH) talking bad of you to me or anyone else and I respect him for that. But I am fed up hearing things from others. I just felt I needed to let you how I felt about all this as it is making me ill also and I don't need it ... I know it isn't easy when a marriage breaks down but life goes on regardless. I love all my children and you but don't want to hear all this anymore please xxxxxx (my name) xxx (kisses) my door is always open to you x (another kiss)

She sent it on the 1st March and I didn't reply. I was with my SIL when I got it and showed it to her. She was upset about it and told me to ignore it. I haven't replied to it and have no intention of doing so.

I will put it behind me in time and take on board what you guys have said as you've made me look at it more openly. It's never easy making sense of others peoples madness. It's just a shame to be subjected to it.

[This message edited by Looby-loo at 5:53 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

SpecialK posted 4/6/2014 20:38 PM

When you realize that cheaters LIE, then hearing stuff like this won't faze you. It sounds like your X SIL has her head on straight, so keep your relationship with her open and screw the rest. Just remember blood is thicker then water and you may need to vent here or find a "non" related friend to talk to about him.

sunvalley posted 4/6/2014 21:41 PM

"Please xxxxxx (my name) didn't want to fall out with you but I'm sure it is hard for u to move on but I am fed up with all this tickle tackle. Do u not think all this should be between u and xxxxx (WH) as it has caused a big rift in my family. I have never heard xxxx (WH) talking bad of you to me or anyone else and I respect him for that. But I am fed up hearing things from others. I just felt I needed to let you how I felt about all this as it is making me ill also and I don't need it ... I know it isn't easy when a marriage breaks down but life goes on regardless. I love all my children and you but don't want to hear all this anymore please xxxxxx (my name) xxx (kisses) my door is always open to you x (another kiss

I think we may have the same MIL! haha Mine voiced so many similar things and refused to give me any sort of empathy for what her son had done, said it should have stayed between us (yet she pleaded with me to give her 'insight'), even though it was him who told her about the As apparently my telling her that they were in my home and how many there were was 'too much'. right down to the 'making me ill' you know what I hear in that comment? It's about HER needs, her emotions, not yours - her son did this, not you and she can't deal with that so it's easier to get mad at you. What about how ill you feel over all of this? And she respects him for not talking bad about you? Why would she expect him to talk badly about you? or give him some sort of respect for choosing not to, when he's the one who had the As? She's trying to make him sound like the bigger person and yet he's the one who had the As...I can't see many people taking pity on him if he were to talk badly about you! That is a mother protecting her child no matter what they've done wrong and you will never get compassion as long as she's trying to protect her son and possibly herself (mother's guilt as IC told me). If you were going around telling everyone you could about how he wronged you, that's one thing but if you confided in select people you felt you could trust, then it's not your fault they let you down. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know if I could replay the past I would have never thought I could trust MIL because she was too emotionally invested in protecting her child. She had made me feel like one of her own for so long that I genuinely felt she could help him get through this situation, but not once did I think she would turn it around on me when her own emotions got in the way.

I agree, keep your distance. I've had to be firm with this with MIL - and because we're in R that's been hard, but I am sticking to it. Until she realizes that she kicked me further when I was down by attacking me the way she did, she is not welcome in my world. It's actually been empowering to stand up for myself to her and I think you will find the same, especially if SIL is in your corner. I know it's MILs sense of guilt projecting on me, the second IC turned the focus on his childhood she lost it on me, I agree it's likely the same for you. Stay strong, and protect yourself because you've been through enough without his whole family jumping on the bandwagon!

FixYou71 posted 4/7/2014 02:01 AM

When I was little someone said "If the person is not someone you respect enough to go to for advice...don't worry about what they have to say about you."
Sorry you're in such a cruddy situation.
Won't it be nice when you have found that girl again (the one you don't recognize now) and look back on this dark time as the new, improved, authentic version of her who has weathered the storm and come out stronger and wiser?
That will be a good day!


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