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I'm falling apart

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Raspberry posted 4/5/2014 07:54 AM

Some days are better than others, but the last few have been ripping me apart. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I can't listen to certain songs without wanting to burst into tears, I can't get what he did out of my head even though seems genuinely remorseful. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage.

I love him so, so much. The one person who promised me that they'd never burt me, has hurt me more than anyone I can think of. I'm so destroyed that I physically hurt. I want to crawl into a ball and cry and sleep for days. I am devastated beyond what I ever imagined. And even as I sit here sobbing while I type, I know I'll somehow get through this. I just didnt want to live my life without him ever. I just feel that living with him is opening up myself for more hurt later on and I honestly know I wouldn't be able to handle this again. I can't. I won't.

Sorry for venting...this is my first post.

Gotmegood posted 4/5/2014 08:17 AM

Never apologize for venting. It isn't healthy to keep it all inside. At this point you must turn your focus onto YOU. Be gentle with yourself, the pain is unimaginable, but make small healthy choices for yourself. Eat well, sleep when you can and stay hydrated. You might try to take small walks. When you feel that you can, read in the Healing Library. Do not think about is all about you for now.

Hurtgmw posted 4/5/2014 08:21 AM

Really sorry you find yourself on here.
My discovery day was 5 weeks ago and it's tough !! Wish there were some words that could help you get through this.
If I say things get easier I would be lying, but you kind of get used to the pain.
You may ask him loads of questions. Some repeatedly. The answers hurt, but somewhat Help us accept his cheating. It's the continuing lies that have hindered me.

I hope your H starts to be completely honest with you from the start of this mess.

Big hugs xxx

justinpaintoday posted 4/5/2014 08:30 AM

Hi Raspberry. First I am so sorry you have to be here but I promise you are in a safe place. We have all walked or have been walking the same road of betrayal....

I read your post and it sounds like me (and others) 3 months ago. When did you find out? I want to explain the stages of grief...YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A SIGNIFICANT TRAUMA. Your bodies first reaction is shock. The stages are Denial and Bargaining. Here you will think fixing the issue is straight forward and can be emotionally compartmentalized. WARNING: This is not sustainable long term. You will have Anger, Depression and Acceptance as well.

Look over to the left in the Healing Library (above Dr Phils face). Please reach out to us here. Many more will post. KNow this, the pain you feel is intense. The one person who thought would have your back has betrayed you. Your hopes, dreams and even daily assumptions are now all in question. I GET IT. Been there, still there in some regard. I promise you will make it through. There are critical resources for you and a truly remorseful spouse on this site. Ask us any question. we will be there for you. You are now in the club

Raspberry posted 4/5/2014 08:44 AM

Thank you all. Now I'm sobbing again. :( I found out that he was looking at massage parlors and escorts when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. 2 weeks later (I honestly believe from all the stress) I had a massive bleed and had to have an emergency csection. He swore he had only gotten a hand job ONCE years ago and was just "looking". For 8 months after, the trust was gone, I never believed a word he said.

I knew he had a secret email because when I found the sites, there was a yahoo mail tab open but he doesnt use those emails anymore. I'm not a moron. So for 8 months I pressed and pressed. Finally admitted to going to atleast 5 escorts. 2 for the nasty body massage /happy ending finish and 3 for blowjobs. He swears they wore condoms (I wasn't born yesterday and highly doubt he paid $120 for a covered bj).

I still don't believe him. I feel he's been doing this throughout our 9 years married but is trickle truthing me to death. I demanded a polygraph and he said he will take it. I told him its better that he tells me all now (if there were more, if he didnt use protection, and if he had actual sex). He says he will take it.

I haven't set that up yet but I will. But life as I know it is not and will never be the same. I can't eat (lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks) and am supposed to go on vacation with him next month.

I just want to wake up from this.

Hurtgmw posted 4/5/2014 08:53 AM

Raspberry. We are in similar situations. Mine was on a swinging site. Admitted sleeping with 2, met 4 .. Sex texting another 1, maybe 4 phone calls to different women where he pleasured himself It disgusts me. I only know he slept with 1 woman because I contacted her through the site, the other he had verifications from the other woman.
Since Dday he has basically lied through his teeth about everything. My detective work has caught him out. Ie. Phone bills etc ...
Yesterday, we did, sort of turn a corner. To move on I told him I want the truth, so he has told me he tried about 10 other times to get a "meet".

Sadly. I will never know the full extent.
And that's what hurts the most.

Skan posted 4/5/2014 17:08 PM

I'm so sorry. These are the bad, crazy, soul-wrenching days and there is no way to avoid them. You just have to stumble through them, bleeding all the way. It fricking sucks.

Please call your doctor on Monday and make an appointment for a full STD/HIV screening. Your gut instinct is almost certainly right on. That wasn't all and he didn't wear full protection. He didn't practice safe sex. No matter what he says. He needs to get the full screenings as well and his doctor's office needs to tell YOU the result. Because you cannot trust a liar who put your health at risk, to tell you the truth.

Follow through with that polygraph. Be prepared for a parking lot confession where he tells you, up to and including walking through the poly's door, all kinds of new stuff. Thank him for that, and keep walking to the polygraphist. Because if they hid one thing, they undoubtedly hid more. And pay attention to your gut. Your subconscious usually knows when there's something wrong, even if you don't know exactly what.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/5/2014 17:31 PM

(((Raspberry))) I'm so sorry you have to be here. What you are feeling is absolutely normal and, unfortunately, will be with you for a while. You have come to a great place to get support. It's been almost a month since my dday and this group has been amazing to help me get this far.

Keep posting, keep venting.

Raspberry posted 4/5/2014 18:27 PM

Thank you all. I am feeling a little better now as I went to our therapist (alone) and had a good appointment. Hes also seeing my husband separately.

We will get the std tests soon but unfortunately I had already been having unprotected sex with him because I was pregnant. Then my stupid self had hysterical sex a bunch of times. I dont have symptoms of anything, but I know that doesnt mean I'm in the clear.

I will most definitely follow through with the polygraph. I cant take much more but I need that truth. If he fails, im out of the house with my kids even if it means driving an hr each way from my job.

The therapist is wonderful. He made some strong points. He told me that he is checking out my husband to see if he has character issues, or a sex addiction. He said could be both, or neither but its too soon to tell.

Im just beyond depressed.

kiki1 posted 4/5/2014 18:41 PM


It is going to get better for you. Not soon, but it will.

Vent all you need to. Here is the place to vent.

Take care of you. Focus on getting your feet under you again.

You dont have to make any big decisions yet.

TIn time, you will get thru this.

Adeahan posted 4/5/2014 18:41 PM

Speaking to someone who doesnt know you or the situation beforehand can be very helpful i have found, wether its a therapist, counsel, pastor from a church, etc, i guess thats kind of all why we are here too right. I am so sorry this happened to you, getting checked for STD`s by both of you is a must, same thing happened with my wife, met a guy online and was with him after meeting him online after two days, she didnt know who this guy was, what he has, you know, stupid, anyways i dont care what they did, weather it was sex or just kissing, he/she gets checked out and you know the results. You can and will get through it :)

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