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Why am I sad now?

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catlover50 posted 4/5/2014 07:56 AM

I know that this is a long process and has it's ups and downs. I also feel that I have a decent handle on the "whys" and wherefores and feel somewhat fortunate to have a very remorseful H who has changed in very significant ways. We have a wonderful new M that is more than I ever could have dreamed.

So why, then, are the mind movies back? Why are my thoughts there more right now? I actually asked him a details question last night for the first time in a long time. He handled it perfectly and we were able to move past it quickly, but he asked me why now too.

I don't feel any distance from him; he still seems just as invested. I am rested, feel good, work is going well. I'm stumped, and frankly, a bit annoyed. I know enough to not feel guilty when I do this but still would rather not. I do share my pain, within reason, with my H (my IC told me not to shield him from my pain. I told her that I don't like making him feel guilty and she said that he needs to caring that guilt for the rest of his life. Not as a punishment, but as a consequence and a reminder to keep him focused.).

Both my IC and my best friend (and some of you here!) have told me that I tend to sugarcoat things and I'm trying not to do this. So I am looking inside and trying to see if there is anything I am missing, or feeling. Do I feel that my H is loyal and true? Yes, for really the first time in our M. But I don't really trust myself not to "be happy" and go blithely on, and I really, really don't want to do that and have that bite us in the ass in the future.

Any thoughts, gang? Thank you.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:17 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Daisy312 posted 4/5/2014 08:55 AM

For me sometimes I am trying so hard to fake it til I make it that I suppress my feelings. I still talk about it, and think I'm dealing with it but I'm not. Then one day it just hits me and I get so depressed and I'm not sure why but when I start to really dig I realize I triggered but I didn't deal with it. Does that make sense? Like yesterday I was driving home n started having flashbacks of the first Dday. I had no idea why then later that night I realized it was the weather. The weather here yesterday was exactly the way it was on Dday.

catlover50 posted 4/5/2014 09:04 AM

Good point, Daisy. My H had a work event last night and I have been triggery over those in the past (his LTA was with an employee). Plus I am going out of town next weekend by myself, and although I have no fears he will act out, there were issues around my leaving town in the past.

So perhaps I am having subconscious triggers. Thanks for that.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:27 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/5/2014 09:19 AM

My DDay was 9-9-13. We are around the same place in our recovering since it sounds like your husband was immediately remorseful as was my husband. I still go through those days where I am unable to stop thinking about and visualizing them having sex. It is often out of the blue. I just think that our minds can only handle so much at a time, and then we are given a break. The comfort I take is in the fact that they do seem to be more spaced out, occurring less frequently than they had been so I think this is a measure of progress.
The very good thing that happened for you is that you husband took it in stride. While he did ask where it was coming from now, which I think shows concern and a desire to understand instead of push it aside, he was not frustrated and angry to "not be over this" already. That is such a great sign, and I am sure went a long way to helping you move past it as well. You are still doing well, but it is a process and I do think that these things are bound to continue to happen. The true "test" is how the two of you handle them when they do come up and you seem to have passed with flying colors!!!

catlover50 posted 4/5/2014 09:32 AM

Thanks, Never.

Perhaps I could turn this around and be grateful that is more infrequent, rather than that it is happening at all. But yesterday I had that "pit in my stomach" feeling that I haven't had for a long time (as in, "he really did this!).

And you're right, my H has made great strides in learning how to help me. SI has been invaluable in that, as has my IC. He does have a tendency to remind me of how well things are going now, which is slightly annoying but accurate, but he knows to NEVER ask why I am not over it or become annoyed.

Neverwudaguessed posted 4/5/2014 09:40 AM

Yeah, I HATE when my husband reminds me how far we have come or how well we are doing,or his favorite, "We are going to be ok!" I feel like saying, "Oh yeah? What makes YOU so sure when I am not sure?!!!"
I do think that the shock of the fact that this is real does come in "waves" because we cannot be living in that mode for too long; it is too overwhelming and would be unhealthy for our well being. But it is also a protection, precisely when things are going well as if to say, "Don't let you guard down completely! Remember what he is capable of…."

It really does suck and it is an uphill climb where less progress is mad some days and just feels too difficult to deal with. Luckily there are the good days too where we can see and feel the progress that we couldn't before and the future looks more positive. It really is a roller coaster. I am sorry that you had that AWFUL feeling yesterday; I know it ALL too well….

mbbd posted 4/5/2014 13:00 PM

my MC told me it's a trauma reaction and he taught me a few behavior modification ideas to get out of it. i think this stuff is one of the reasons many of us don't trust the way we once did ever again.

catlover50 posted 4/5/2014 13:36 PM

Mbbd--any chance you could share one of the behavior modifiers you learned? Thanks so much.

morethantrying posted 4/6/2014 02:32 AM

I belong on this thread. I also trigger unexpectedly and not even sure why. My problem is whether to share it with him or not...why? Because sharing does not always make ME feel good and his understanding and comforting does not help seems I just have to work on this myself. The more I make of a trigger (even talking about it) the bigger it sometimes does not seem to make it better...

Is this denying my feelings? I don't think so, perhaps I have just moved on to process them in a different way now...his comforting just doesn't make it feel any better...anyone else like this?

Fake it until you make it...yes sometimes I also feel I am TRYING SO is exhausting isn't it...the mind never seems to rest...and sometimes with the faking it...I wonder "WHO IS THIS PERSON NOW?...IS IT REALLY ME?"

catlover50 posted 4/6/2014 06:47 AM

I feel you, morethantrying. "Exhausted" is a word I have used myself. Exhausted with it always being right there. Exhausted with reminding myself "he was broken, it was not about me, he has changed....". Exhausted with being smacked upside the head with the reality of it.

And then, it gets easier for awhile.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 6:47 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

ItsaClimb posted 4/6/2014 13:18 PM

I've also wondered why, seemingly out of the blue, I will trigger over something.

The way I have figured it out is that somehow, on an unconscious level, I am working on A-related things deep in my mind and every now and then something related to what my mind is working on will surface and trigger me. You know how sometimes you will forget a name or the title of a song or some arbitrary thing and then, much later on, it will suddenly "come to you" ...because subconsciously your brain has been working on it while you have been going about your business? Well I think this works in much the same way. Just me trying to play psychologist, but that's what I have decided happens with me

catlover50 posted 4/6/2014 14:56 PM

Thanks, Itsaclimb, that's insightful.

I continue to be there, but I've talked to my H and he is helping me and being understanding.

And those of you here at SI are always helpful too!

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