So why, then, are the mind movies back? Why are my thoughts there more right now? I actually asked him a details question last night for the first time in a long time. He handled it perfectly and we were able to move past it quickly, but he asked me why now too.
I don't feel any distance from him; he still seems just as invested. I am rested, feel good, work is going well. I'm stumped, and frankly, a bit annoyed. I know enough to not feel guilty when I do this but still would rather not. I do share my pain, within reason, with my H (my IC told me not to shield him from my pain. I told her that I don't like making him feel guilty and she said that he needs to caring that guilt for the rest of his life. Not as a punishment, but as a consequence and a reminder to keep him focused.).
Both my IC and my best friend (and some of you here!) have told me that I tend to sugarcoat things and I'm trying not to do this. So I am looking inside and trying to see if there is anything I am missing, or feeling. Do I feel that my H is loyal and true? Yes, for really the first time in our M. But I don't really trust myself not to "be happy" and go blithely on, and I really, really don't want to do that and have that bite us in the ass in the future.
Any thoughts, gang? Thank you.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 8:17 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]
So perhaps I am having subconscious triggers. Thanks for that.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:27 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]
Perhaps I could turn this around and be grateful that is more infrequent, rather than that it is happening at all. But yesterday I had that "pit in my stomach" feeling that I haven't had for a long time (as in, "he really did this!).
And you're right, my H has made great strides in learning how to help me. SI has been invaluable in that, as has my IC. He does have a tendency to remind me of how well things are going now, which is slightly annoying but accurate, but he knows to NEVER ask why I am not over it or become annoyed.
It really does suck and it is an uphill climb where less progress is mad some days and just feels too difficult to deal with. Luckily there are the good days too where we can see and feel the progress that we couldn't before and the future looks more positive. It really is a roller coaster. I am sorry that you had that AWFUL feeling yesterday; I know it ALL too well….
Is this denying my feelings? I don't think so, perhaps I have just moved on to process them in a different way now...his comforting just doesn't make it feel any better...anyone else like this?
Fake it until you make it...yes sometimes I also feel I am TRYING SO HARD...it is exhausting isn't it...the mind never seems to rest...and sometimes with the faking it...I wonder "WHO IS THIS PERSON NOW?...IS IT REALLY ME?"
And then, it gets easier for awhile.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 6:47 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]
The way I have figured it out is that somehow, on an unconscious level, I am working on A-related things deep in my mind and every now and then something related to what my mind is working on will surface and trigger me. You know how sometimes you will forget a name or the title of a song or some arbitrary thing and then, much later on, it will suddenly "come to you" ...because subconsciously your brain has been working on it while you have been going about your business? Well I think this works in much the same way. Just me trying to play psychologist, but that's what I have decided happens with me
I continue to be there, but I've talked to my H and he is helping me and being understanding.
And those of you here at SI are always helpful too!