SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

helpmepleaseee posted 4/5/2014 08:22 AM

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, he is 22 and I am 23, we have a 10 month old son

I was at work and he was home with the baby, I came home a little early from work and there as a car sitting outside the house, I thought nothing of it, just that it was a friend. Came inside, heard noises, I went upstairs quietly and just remember thinking "no way. This is not happening. I'm dreaming. This is a sick dream" I pushed the bedroom door open and he was in bed with some woman, she was holding onto his arms, and they were red and sweaty, it was really passionate sex (the kind he never has with me.) and I was standing in complete shock

It was unprotected too and he just looked at me and kept going and said "um hi." Then I ran downstairs and I heard him swear and come after, I was down in the kitchen crying and he came in naked, still aroused, I shouted "how did you do this to me?" And he grabbed me and just held me while I cried. Then SHE came down naked too and looked at me and said

"Your are SUCH a baby!" and I shouted "who are you??" She ignored me and said "he finds you boring in bed." Then she walked out, gets her clothes and gets in the car, I go after and shout "how could you sleep with my husband, she ignored me and drove off.

He told me she was 44 and a divorcee and that she had a son. I can't look at him all I see is her holding onto his arms and I almost vomit.

It's not the first time, he told me he slept with her twice at her house while they locked her 6 year old son in the living room so he wouldn't walk in on them!!!

My mother in law asked me if me and him had had sex one morning a few weeks ago I said no and she had a funny look on her face, now I know because she has now said she came over and he was upstairs smelling of sex and the bed was messy, he told her it was me and him, so it was obviously a LIE and she was in OUR marriage bed again.

It breaks me heart even more because he did it all while our son was next door in his cot. And now his friend JUST revealed that when he was away on a business trip, they went out to a club and some model tried to seduce him but he refused, she told him her hotel room incase he wanted to sleep with her. So basically, he WALKED to her hotel room, knocked on her door and slept with her. Then came home and acted lovey dovey to me.

Also, we were playing monopoly with his nephew and I said to him "you're such a cheat." And he looked at me and said "what do you mean" really fast. I just said that he was cheating on the game, then he laughed really hard and said "I am a dirty little cheat aren't I?" A voice inside me head went "hmmmmm" but I just thought "no my husband would never cheat on me ever!"

We have not talked about what has happened in ages, we just go about our life, sometime I cry and he just ignores me one, one night he asked if I wanted "to make love" I said ok, but the moment we started, SHE flashed in my mind and I saw her holding onto his arms while they had really passionate sex, he NEVER has that kind of sex with me, I started crying and he ignored me and just finished off.

Sorry for the long description! Had to let it out, I told my mum what he did, and she and dad is coming over to have a chat with him, I told him this and he looked like he had shit his pants. I know he is scared of my dad, VERY scared of him. He's been acting weird today and hardly talking because he knows he will get it from my dad tonight. Sorry I had to let this out, I have no one to talk to, only him but ever time I look at him I see them I'm bed together, on my side of the bed too!!!

lilacs40 posted 4/5/2014 08:33 AM

So sorry you are here.

To me what happened is unforgivable. Remember to take care of yourself and your baby. That's what most important right now.

And DO NOT have sex with him until you both have been tested for STDs.

Read the healing library in the corner of the page. Remember this is going to be a crazy time and your emotions will be all over the place. It's normal.

Wanted to let you know you've been heard. You will get excellent advice here and many points of view.

((Hugs)).

deena04 posted 4/5/2014 08:35 AM

I am so sorry you are here. Please take care of your child and yourself. Eat, sleep, drink water, exercise, see a lawyer, and don't put up with his crap! You do not deserve to be treated this way. Get your cards in order and take care of yourself until you figure out if you want to separate or reconcile. The Healing Library on the left side of this site has great articles. Also, if you can, get into counseling. I am sorry again!

Merlin posted 4/5/2014 08:37 AM

Some things cannot be unseen. This I one of them. Shock is the inevitable result.

He has shown you who he is. His reaction to you was callous. 'Her' reaction to you was pathetic.

He has shown you who he is. You should believe him the first time and react accordingly.

[This message edited by Merlin at 9:29 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

4everfaithful83 posted 4/5/2014 11:27 AM

We have not talked about what has happened in ages, we just go about our life

When did this happen? There are many different road to Recovery, but I have to say that TOTALLY ignoring the situation (sounds like that's what you guys are doing?) is NOT OK. He needs to be held responsible for his actions, and what lesson are you teaching him? That if he cheats on you, there are NO repercussions. What is to stop him from doing it again???!!

As others have said, you need to get an STD test ASAP, and do not have sex with him until you do.

iamsoblind42 posted 4/5/2014 11:28 AM

I am soooooo sorry. I also walked in on my WH with my XBF while her H watched. That was January 11th 2014. My D will be final April 21st at 10AM. I will have been married 18 years (tomorrow is my last wedding anniversary).

It sounds like you love your H but he obviously does not respect you to have done that to you. You deserve love and respect! I know a future without him sounds scary and the fact you have a child together makes it worse but I just don't see this guy changing. He will do it again. You really need to think hard on whether you can live a life like that. Best of luck my dear! {{{Hugs}}}

Holly-Isis posted 4/5/2014 11:47 AM

So many red flags.

Him not stopping, just greeting you.

Him still being aroused when he came to you.

If he knew his mother was coming over, him still smelling and looking of sex.

Random women.

But this, after d-day:

I started crying and he ignored me and just finished off.

I don't say it much but my bet would be some sort of sexual addiction and if he doesn't get serious and intensive help immediately, you need to leave. Otherwise you'll be living your own personal hell for years to come. At least that been my experience and it gels with what I've read from others on here.

krispy47 posted 4/5/2014 12:06 PM

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. (((hug))) There can be no worse way to find out about infidelity than to have to see it with your own eyes. And you will never be able to unsee it. In fact, as I read your story about noticing the unfamiliar car and walking into the house, I started freaking out myself!

Last month, I also had the horrible experience of walking in on my WH and his slut. Only his A had been going on for 7 years, and we had been married for 22.

My WH at least had the good grace to be ashamed, to begin answering my million questions right on the spot, and to break things off with OW within 24 hrs. Your WH just sounds like an unremorseful a--hole.

I will not tell you to dump him and run. I am on the same roller coaster you are -- feeling numb disbelief, anger, sorrow, and hurt all at once -- and I know you need to time to figure out how to live day to day before you can even think about making such a big change with such a small baby.

But I will tell you this... I wish I had discovered at YOUR age that my WH was a sex addict, instead of wasting so many good years of my life with him. Unless he gets help -- and it does NOT sound like he is interested -- he will hurt you again and again. And you deserve SO much better than that.

confused615 posted 4/5/2014 12:14 PM

Who is the OW? have you investigated her? She may be divorced. Chances are..she's married. Out her to her husband. Is he NC with her?

That he continued to fuck her after he saw you? AND that he was still hard when he came downstairs? That he could keep it hard, after seeing the look on your face?

Im sorry, but he isn't R material. He has A LOT of growing up to do. If he had any respect for you, any love for you at all, he wouldn't have reacted that way.

I would suggest you go home with your parents. Leave his ass. If he wants to save this marriage, he needs to prove that to you. He needs to go to IC...he needs to be transparent..he needs to talk about this..own it..and be remorseful. If he won't do any of these things, you can not R with him.

Tearsoflove posted 4/5/2014 18:01 PM

"Your are SUCH a baby!" and I shouted "who are you??" She ignored me and said "he finds you boring in bed."

What a bitch! PM me her name and I'll find out everything you ever wanted to know about her and probably a lot she didn't want you to know.

standinghere posted 4/5/2014 19:57 PM

When things like this happen, it can haunt you for years, and if you don't work at it, understand it, and deal with it (no rugsweeping or compartmentalizing) it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately, you are now going through what many of us went through (except the walking in on it...which must be a shock like no other), and what some of us have managed to get to the other side of.

This was the most terrible thing I've ever gone through, bar none. No death in my family ever affected me like this. I'd never wish this on anyone, except maybe Hitler.

Rest assured, there is NOTHING that you did that led to this. There is NOTHING that you didn't do that led to this.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AT ALL.

It has everything to do with him and his own internal issues and problems that he is not dealing with in a constructive manner. Your story, terrible as it is, is much the same for us all.

It was unprotected too

It is almost always unprotected sex. People who stop and think to put on condoms don't do this stuff. Having to stop and think makes you think of "why" and "who" and that isn't what your brain is doing when this happens.

"Your are SUCH a baby!"

No, you aren't. You are a young woman, a young mother, and in a vulnerable place in life as well as someone who has been betrayed by the person who was supposed to protect you and your child and who has instead put you both in danger.

"he finds you boring in bed."

That is not an issue at all, much as he may make of it, he may be bored but that is not about you.

If he told her that, then the problem lies right between his ears. If he finds you boring in bed, all he has to do is go to the bathroom and look in the mirror to find out where a huge part of the solution to that problem lies. This has nothing to do with you.

My wife, a perfect example of this type of behavior, as are most if not all WS's, said to me once, rather off handed and clearly without thinking, "you never want to have sex anywhere but the bedroom". This is my wife, who didn't like giving or receiving oral sex, who didn't like vigorous "gymnastic sex" (her words - not mine), who was turning me down when I wanted to have sex practically everywhere, outside in the yard, on the trampoline when we were watching the stars, in the car, when we were camping, in our kitchen, in our living room, in hotels, in the bathroom, in the bathtub, in the shower, and yes, even in the bedroom at home. I looked at her, barely containing my irritation, and said "why would I expect to have sex anywhere else, we don't even have sex there". I'd been turned down for sex in more places, and more times, than I could ever believe.

We'd even been to MC over our relationship. To top it off, she'd had an affair, which I didn't know at the time, and during a short fling, had sex in our bedroom with him, including oral sex both giving and receiving, in our garage, fooled around with him in our yard, been driving him around in our car, been to his house and had sex in his and his wife's bedroom, had sex in the woods, had sex in a local business place with him, had sex with him in a local parking lot, and took him to the park where we had our first date and gave him a blowjob in the park in view of where we parked to get out and take a walk, and she had sex in another person's house and apparently raped by him in their bathroom. Guess who didn't want to have sex? My wife.

Everything triggered her due to a history of sex abuse that she had hidden, that she dealt with by sexual acting out, drinking, and drugs.

It took months of counseling before my wife began to come clean about her drinking and her drug use and nearly 3 years before she dealt with her sexual hangups and stopped blaming me for things that had nothing to do with me. Today, she admits that it was her, from the beginning.

He told me she was 44 and a divorcee and that she had a son.

Don't believe anything he told you yet. She may very well be as noted but she may be married, separated, but she's clearly f'd up and that is clear from what she said to you. She was only trying to make herself feel better about herself. She's more f'd up than you can possibly imagine. She's got nothing on you.

It's not the first time, he told me he slept with her twice at her house while they locked her 6 year old son in the living room

Fairly "normal" routine behavior in infidelity. My wife, who didn't like sex, who was always worried about a kid knocking on the door, did it in our house with 4 kids down the hall watching TV, with a near stranger.

I have no one to talk to

Now you do.

There are a lot of people here who have been through this hell of infidelity. I've seen this happen in my brother's family, and I didn't understand what it was like for his wife as he cheated on her. Now I do, but wish I didn't. I look at my three girls and my son, two of whom are adults now, and hope that they never face this, but know that there is a statistically high chance that at least two of them will.

I didn't find this place until I'd been through two years of a shitstorm that I didn't create. It is helpful. Not all of the advice is good, not all of us are able to give advice at all, but you can get good feedback, understand the sleepless nights, the gut gripping pain, and the mental exhaustion are universal to the BS. That the lies, the trickle truthing, the gaslighting, the blameshifting, by the WS...again, all essentially universal.

Come here, write your story, share your experiences, and read, read everything you can, and don't make any decisions right now but to protect yourself and your child. Also, don't get pregnant again right now, no matter what. He may even suggest it. You don't know yet if he can be a reasonable husband and father to your children. People who do this have serious problems that they are dealing with in a very destructive manner.

nekorb posted 4/5/2014 21:23 PM

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say except internalize you ad everything before my post.

(((Hugs)))

SoVerySadNow posted 4/5/2014 22:22 PM

His reaction, when you walked in, is abnormal. And the behaviors for next few minutes were abnormal. That's just my opinion-I'm not a psychologist. Shame should have kicked in.
I'm so sorry- this is just awful.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 6:37 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

confused615 posted 4/6/2014 06:46 AM

Im going to be blunt.

Any man who does not immediately go limp upon seeing the horror and pain on his wife's face...after she just walked in on him fucking some whore in their marital bed...is not worth one more day of your life.

Don't waste anytime trying to R with him. He will cheat again. And he has cheated more than you know about.

Men do cheat on women they love. It happens every day. But continuing to fuck her and say hi when you walked in? That's not love. It's breathtakingly cruel and abusive.

You deserve far better than this. Far better.

RealityBlows posted 4/8/2014 02:05 AM

Your husband is a mess. You are good. You are a good person and when you meet the right man- a man who truly loves you, you will be a good enough lover for him. You will be all that he needs. You will grow sexually together. You will communicate-intimately, like lovers do, and learn about each other needs. Walk away from this. Do not let those vile words and images tarnish you. Save yourself. Take care of yourself. You had a brush with evil. Learn from it, take strength from it, and walk. If he comes after you, you make him earn it. You make him work for it. Hold your head up high and proud and be thankful you are not a sorry pathetic mess like him and her. There are just simply too many good lonely men out here for you to waste your time on anything less.

StillLivin posted 4/8/2014 02:49 AM

I just read your post. OMG, I am so sorry. Words don't convey just how sorry I am.
You are 23 years old. So so young. If he were even remotely remorseful, I would never suggest running.
But the horrible cruelty to finish off with that woman and then not to knock her lights out for talking to his WIFE the way she did after WHAT she did. Unforgiveable.
He does not respect you, hell he doesn't respect himself. And love is not this calculatingly cruel.
You need to get your ducks in a row and run like hell. Something is majorly wrong with him.
Right now, you need to start loving yourself. Staying with someone who is continuing to hurt you with his indifference and neglect I not loving yourself.
I hope you get yourself into counseling and leave his no good cheatinass. Nobody should ever have to go through what you have.

happyman64 posted 4/8/2014 09:46 AM

HelpMe

I hope you come back post more. You will find a great deal of support on this site.

Your husband is a loser. Does he have a job? Is he the SAHD while you work?

Because he has shown you who he really is.

Maybe your Dad can beat I mean talk some sense into him.

And do not listen to that divorcee. My wife and I have been enjoying boring sex for 27 years.

And we love it that way.

Keep your chin up and do not let him continue his deplorable behavior.

HM

Breezy150 posted 4/8/2014 10:31 AM

I am so sorry, his actions are abuse, don't doubt that for a minute. Something is very wrong with him.

You take care of you and that baby. He has to fix him, if he even wants too.

(((Hugs)))

JaneDeaux posted 4/8/2014 11:15 AM

My heart aches for you. Listen to these nice people. They've kept many a person off the ledge as they work though things. Hang in there...

Lovedyoumore posted 4/8/2014 13:14 PM

Yes, this is sadistic abuse. Both his actions and his allowing her to talk to you is abuse. He is messed up more than the usual A fog and you need to either kick him out or get away to your parents.

Do not speak with him. Start D proceedings immediately and date document everything you know. Write a very explicit account of your DDay while it is still fresh. Describe clothing, exact quotes, etc.

You can always back off of the D if he shows you something of remorse, but do not hold your breath.

If you were my daughter, I could not get you out fast enough. If for some reason you are exposed to his abuse again, use your phone to either video it or voicemail it to yourself.