I'm kicking around the idea of starting with an IC.
However, I've tried this a couple of times in the past, and, to be blunt, it sucked. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing in the world.
But when I read 20WrongsVs1's list of emotions she listed when required by her IC, I realized this is me, all day, every day:
Ambivalent
Neutral
Confused
I know I have underlying issues that need to be address. I do a fairly good job of being cognizant of the ways the aftereffects of CSA & other whatnot manifest in me as an adult, and I have taught myself ways to counter those responses. But it appears that others are capable of surfacing, and I likely need someone to walk me through the process & help me fix me for real, not just patchwork.
Here's what I don't want:
My first ICs were during my childhood years. She taught me that if I lie & tell them what they want to hear, then I get out of the sessions. Or, in the case of the one that worked at the school, I could use them to get out of class. It was all balloon metaphors & such, no real talk. Total waste of time.
My first IC as an adult was during college. She said, "pretend this pillow is your mom"...I looked at her like she had three heads & never went back. A pillow is not going to make me suddenly rediscover my feelings, thanks but no thanks.
I tried another IC briefly, but it just didn't click.
I am a logic-driven person. I will argue. I need someone who can counter that, cut through my bullshit. I need someone who can teach me how to feel again because I don't remember how. That's one of the biggest draws of AP. I actually felt love and joy and despair. Not constantly, but there were moments. I want my range of emotions back, in part so that someone other than BH triggering simple ones, like joy, doesn't domino into something else. When you feel nothing long enough, even painful emotions become desirable.
Is there a style of IC that's designed for people like me? I know they study various methods & such, but I don't know how to parse that into "choose this one." BS's welcome.