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How are you sure the NC gets sent? I mean you can't trust anything he says right now. Right? So how do you believe that? Here is what I was thinking. Either a email that I am cc'ed on or a text message that I am cc'ed on.

Is that right? Is there a better way?

You may use a process server (normally used to serve legal documents) but they may require a photograph of the AP. Another option is to have the NC letter couriered to the AP and require that the AP sign for the letter. You would take the letter yourself to the courier company and arrange for delivery personally (ie., fill out the delivery slip, provide the address for service). Ask that the courier company call you after delivering the letter and provide you with the signed slip. If there is concern that AP will not sign for the letter, try delivery at their place of work or put the letter in an envelope that looks like a greeting card envelope.

Wishing you grace, dignity and strength.

We did it by email, and I sat there while he sent it. He also got a response back, which he showed me. Our NC letter wasn't one of the classic ones that are normally sent, since this was a f-buddy he met on AFF who turned out to be a ONS. He had lied, saying he was single, which I am SO sure she believed, so essentially the letter said that he had lied to her her, he was married, and that he no longer wanted contact because he wanted to try to save his marriage. The reply back was something to the effect that she understood, wished him luck, and told him that he was a nice guy.

Sorry. I should have added this part. But they work together.

He needs to find another job. This was a LTA..and he still works with OW? Then you will never know if the affair is over..much less if NC is in place.

Jobs are hard to find...yes. Then he needs to start putting in applications NOW.

Does she have a BH or BSO? Telling her husband about the affair will help immensely. Chances are, he will make her quit her job. At the very least it'll be two sets of eyes on them.

But..really. He can no longer work there. I understand..again..jobs are hard to find and you have bills to pay...many times when we suggest the WS find another job, the BS says they can't afford it. I get that. But your family can not afford him working there..the price is way too high.

ETA: I just read your profile. He has been cheating for 4 years..he married you while in this affair...the late hours/crazy schedule...no..no..no...no.

NO.

Make him finding another job a requirement..and hold firm to that. You basically caught him in the affair...it wasn't over..he didn't confess..the affair is "over" because you caught him.

Considering all of this...he.can.not.work.there.anymore.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:19 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

I agree with confused you will never feel safe with them continuing to work together. I am sorry the triggers will eat you alive.

If your husband is serious he will end all contact with her …until then I am sorry to say they will always be emotionally connected and your marriage won't ever have a chance….you don't want a crippled version or settle for not being respected…….He can't be friends with his girlfriend not acceptable and you shouldn't accept it either, ask him to move out until he stops all contact is a respectful way to you and your marriage……….

Thanks everybody. he is out of the house. Staying at a "by the week" room. I have already said he has to get a new job and he agreed. The real question is will he? He is very lazy professionally. Scared of failure. Etc I have known this about him for a long time. Honestly I could get them both fired in two seconds if I really wanted to. But I know I am not supposed to be making any decisions right now that I could regret. So have not done that.

About OP spouse. Apparently the husband caught them together. Not sure when. And they have been separated sense. OPBS never contacted me. God I wish he would have.

My thing is I know that I can't communicate with WS unless there is a NC letter in place. Between now and the new job, etc. All this being said does not mean I will forgive him, move on with him etc. But just to start to have conversations, go to MC, etc. I can't do that without NC letter.

Hmm. Your WH told you her husband caught them?

I call bullshit.

I think he probably told you that so you wouldn't contact her husband. To protect the affair..and OW.

Call her husband. Don't facebook him or email him...she knows you know, so she's most likely watching for you to try and communicate with her husband. Call him. Offer him a copy of all of your evidence.

It is very common for a WS to tell their BS the OBS already knows.

Calling him will either confirm he knows..or give him the gift of the truth.

Gently....the NC letter won't mean much as long as he is working with her. Not in this situation. You should 180 his ass until he gets another job..AND sends a NC email.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:09 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Honestly?

An NC message is only as good as the intent to enforce it. He can write them and send them to her 'til the cows come home, but if these two are still secretly in contact, he's probably told her to play along with it when she gets it and he's probably also apologized in advance that one is coming "because his wife is making him do it."

About OP spouse. Apparently the husband caught them together. Not sure when. And they have been separated sense. OPBS never contacted me. God I wish he would have.

Honestly? That's more than likely a LIE. Do you know how many guys LIE about their OW's husband to protect them? I'm actually kind of surprised your husband didn't use the usual lie they all pretty much use - that her husband is 'abusive' and if you tell him, her blood is on your hands. Yeah, they use that one A LOT.

I wouldn't be so sure her husband 'caught them together,' I wouldn't be so sure her husband knows about the affair, and I wouldn't be so sure that they're separated, either.

Your husband is in 'protect my ass' mode and he's doing as much damage control as he can. And that's going to involve a tremendous amount of lies.

CONTACT THE OW'S HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY!!!

And DON'T tell you husband you're doing it. That'll just give him the opportunity to give his OW a heads up so she can thwart your efforts - or tell her husband about the crazy woman whose after her and convince him not to believe a word you say.

So DON'T tell your husband - just DO it. If he already knows, then no harm no foul. If he DOESN'T (which I highly suspect) then you'll be doing him a kindness as he deserves to know the truth, just like you did.

Sorry. But I can't figure out how to do that? I tried a reverse phone # search. That didn't work. I have her name. Just paid $25+ for nothing to some website. How am I supposed to contact her husband?

Is she on facebook? Usually you can find her husband there.

Or...since he is out of the house..and this affair is very likely still going on...call their boss. Tell him what has been going on. Offer evidence. And ask for her husband's name. Chances are, boss will know it. Tell him you aren't going to do anything crazy, or out of revenge..that you simply want to inform her husband what has been going on, because he has the right to the truth.

I have full access to my fWHs email as he does mine. So he wrote it, let me read it, then he sent it.

Psycho bitch had to have the last word and responded to it which we ignored.