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Big mistake - venting to WH family

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Imissmyhusb posted 4/5/2014 09:37 AM

So i needed to talk and i didnt want to tell my side of the family because i dont want them to hate on my H if we were able to work things out. I spoke to my sisinlaws (H sis and BIL wife) and H's uncle. All three were chosen to answer a specific question that i couldnt ask anyone else, then the conversation evolved. I also only mentioned that i suspect infidelity, didnt mention what i really know. I believed they would keep it to themselves and my feeling is that the women kept the secret but the uncle did not. I dont know who he told, but once i spoke to him, i got a txt a few hrs later

My MIL txtd me sayg that i should stop tellg the family our personal business and that its gettg around.

I feel bad that now more people than intended are aware and that may make me, H or the marriage look bad. Now i am tryg to reach those who i told and nobody is returng my calls or txt. I feel cast out and i havent told H yet. I think he knows - mayb somthg got back to him.

I am so upset w myself. Like why did i have to go and say anythg??!! I already know its not the best idea to tell ppl abt your marital issues, esp the inlaws. i keep making things worse with my attempts to make myself feel better. Thanks SI.

Wodnships posted 4/5/2014 09:45 AM

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.

Your in-laws are your husbands family. Their first loyalty will always be him. You can care for them, even have a good relationship with them, but at the end of the day he should and will be their first priority. That doesn't mean you should feel bad because they know. This situation is on him. The fall out from it is also on him.

As far as telling your own family. I honestly wish I hadn't. I left the house and slept at my parent's house for D-day. I told them what was going on. When we decided to reconcile I had to have a meeting with my parents to put my father in check about the whole situation. No one likes having to do that kind of thing. Now when he asks how things are going with counseling I feel uncomfortable and just say "We're working on things."

At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is best for you, and if you are going to reconcile, what is best for your marriage. No one can tell you definitively what that is going to be. We can only echo our own experiences.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 4/5/2014 10:48 AM

Imissmyhusband, please don't beat yourself up about that. It's the worst time of your life and there's no way anyone could have the perfect way of dealing with such a trauma every step of the way. You're just doing your best.

Actually eating, drinking, sleeping, and breathing pretty well suck up all the energy you might have at all for now.

You'll have lots of moments that will challenge you to not always do the perfect. We're only human. And also lots of times you did do the right thing at the right moment.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:51 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Imissmyhusb posted 4/5/2014 12:33 PM

Thanks for your replies

I cant even believe this is my life right now

Thank goodness i hav an awesome MIL. I realize that he is her son and he comes first for her, but she really is very supportive and objective when we speak.

I need to hurry and speak to a lawyer
So many random thoughts

Gettg dressed, eating and breathg properly ... I never expectd them to ever be the least bit challenging-at least not before old age lol

Ostrich80 posted 4/5/2014 12:59 PM

I made the same mistake telling my sil. We are pretty close and I didn't tell her until this past year because I knew ow kids went to the school she works at..she's not a teacher but works thereand I was curious if they had ever asked about ws or if they had connected the dots. Any who, she was upset with her brother and told me I should have kicked him out. My mistake was forgetting how jealous she is of their parents thinking my ws is the perfect family man. She couldnt wait to to tell her mom and the first opportunity that her "favorite" kid was not as perfect as she thinks. She didn't come right out and say it but she dropped enough hints. I'm always on edge now because they have stupid spats when we are all together and.I'm just waiting for the day she blurts out, oh yea ostrich said your cheating. I really regret telling her cuz I feel like its going to come back and bite me in the ass.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/5/2014 13:27 PM

Lesson learned, now you know what your limits are with your in laws with respect to delicate issues such as this.

You can't un-ring the bell, just try to make the best of it until it blows over. And stuff like this always does.

I think the more concerning issue is why you're going to such great lengths to protect your husband. HE didn't think enough of himself or your marriage to conduct himself with integrity and dignity, so why is it YOUR job to try to sweep up after him? HE made your marriage look bad, not you. Not your in laws. Not the gossip. HE did.

Let HIM do the damage control. That's not your job.

You're taking on the weight of his indiscretions and frankly, you have more than enough on your plate.

Be kinder to yourself.

Credence posted 4/5/2014 13:30 PM

Don't beat yourself up, it is so so easy to confide in someone and have them react very differently from the way you imagined they would. I confided in my closest friend because I didn't want to talk to my family and have them lose all respect for WW. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have confided in him because now WW is 'dead to him'. I barely see him as a result of this.

Don't be too hard on yourself, these things happen so easily, particularly when you need to turn to someone but can't turn to your spouse or your own family.

SWAT70 posted 4/5/2014 17:23 PM

I agree with everyone else. Don't beat yourself up. You were hurting and needed to talk to someone and trusted them. They let you down. I have no one to talk to except my best friend and his parents who happen to be my in laws. (Well I have vented a lot here as well). To be honest my in laws have been great. I get they are her family but they have yet to pass judgement on me. They just let me talk and they listen. I've gotten a couple of hugs to. They have not pushed me towards R or anything. They have kept all of my rambling to themselves. WW gets the same treatment. I wish the best for you.

Remember you didn't do anything to your marriage. He did it all by himself and maybe they need to remember that as well.

sunvalley posted 4/5/2014 17:58 PM

Dont beat yourself up. I was the daughter MIL never had and now she wont even call the house for risk of talking to me. I went to her because WH was not well when I found out. I was worried for his personal safety and yet painfully grieving myself. I did not tell her about the As but I told her he was haing a breakdown and needed his familys support...and boy do I regret it. But Ive learned not to be so hard on myself. I made the choices I felt needed to for his sake as well as my grieving process. The same should apply for you. Do you regret telling them? Sure but that doesnt mean you made the inforation spread throughout his family...those were other peoples choices. Just like others said his family will be more vested in him no matter how close you are to them. I came to that reality when I lost my relationship with MIL in all of this as well, but I wont wear blame for her actions...I have enough on my plate.

Adeahan posted 4/5/2014 18:04 PM

I did this same thing on my D Day. my father in law didnt want anything to do with the situation, my MIL at first listened and was shocked, then blasted me and said it was my fault etc etc nothing like getting kicked while you are down, i guess it is kind of a lose lose situation, its like you want them to feel pain like they caused you and you hope that their family will be so angry and thats the way to get to them, thats how it was for me anyways.

Merlin posted 4/5/2014 18:15 PM

They shut it out, don't want to hear it.

It's too uncomfortable to get that their son, brother - whatever pulled a scumbag move. They lack to tools to accept things like this.

Be cordial, expect distance to grow and prepare to be abandoned by your in-laws.

Meanwhile, say nothing. Maybe answer questions, maybe not.

Your call.

Imissmyhusb posted 4/6/2014 01:59 AM

I told H i talkd to his uncle. He wants to know who else i told and what exactly i said. Im not ready to tell him all that. He said his uncle and his dad hav been callg him alot so i guess uncle told dad (they r brothers)

Idk why i care to protect him. Mayb bcuz its a habit and i feel it will end up comg down on me so i might as well

He already doesnt love me anymore. This is just another reason for him to turn away. I know he feels betrayd bcuz im his wife and im supposed to hav his back, and here i am exposg him. I am still very raw and emotional abt yhis whole thg and i know its not my fault but i feel terrible

FindingOut posted 4/6/2014 02:09 AM

I'm so sorry you feel like this others say, things are bad enough without something else to worry about. You are definitely reacting in a normal way to this horrible situation that your WH put you in. Venting to in-laws can be one of the ways we try and make sense of the situation. In my case my WH family were shocked at what he did, and although supportive, my step mum-in-law did not want to give her opinion. I needed her to slate him and tell me he was a horrible person and she wouldn't. She felt as though she had to be there for him too, partly because she was representing his now dead father ...she told me this.

It's really hard deciding who to go to for support sometimes. Family can give a very different reaction to the one expected, and it can be devastating when they seem to back the wayward ..but it's hard for them to take it in too initially I guess. I wanted them to take him to task and give him a piece of their minds, but we cant control someone elses actions and i quickly realised that even if they had done that, it wouldnt have made a difference to him betraying and leaving us. I spoke to my counsellor about it and she advised minimal venting to his relatives. The trouble is if they don't mirror your feelings it can seem as though they are unsupportive. My best support has been my long term female friends, most especially the ones who have gone through this themselves.

We all say and do things that we may afterwards regret, but it's part of the process. Don't feel bad about decisions made in the middle of such devastation. I've said things in confidence that ended up as public knowledge (amongst his family) but I can't take them back so I try not to worry. You have done nothing wrong. You have told the truth.

crazynot posted 4/6/2014 02:23 AM

You are someone in the midst of one of the worst experiences anyone can ever have. Don't feel bad about venting to anyone, ever. And try not to worry about making things worse with your H - he's done all of this by himself and if anyone needs to fix anything, it's him. Just try and stay as calm as you can, eat, drink and see a doctor perhaps if the anxiety feels too much. You're a good person. You're not the one to blame.

Credence posted 4/6/2014 04:28 AM

I know he feels betrayd bcuz im his wife and im supposed to hav his back, and here i am exposg him.
No, no, no! He betrayed you, he is no position to feel betrayed and needs to grow a pair and face up to what he's done. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about! You would have turned to him if he hadn't been the one who betrayed you - HE took that option away from you! This whole situation has been created by his actions and he needs to take responsibility.

Imissmyhusb posted 4/20/2014 10:39 AM

^^^ i agree. He is the betrayer not me

He told me he spoke to his uncle but didnt say what all they discussd. I didnt ask. I almost dont care. He hasnt confessd to or acknowledged his A yet so all that doesnt matter at all

norabird posted 4/20/2014 11:48 AM

I think you likely told these ILs because you wanted them to in some way help bring your WH back--talk sense into him once they figured out his behavior. But your MiL's response indicates to me that his whole FOO is full of justifying. Please, stop hoping he will have a come to jesus moment--act only to detach and protect yourself right now. I so understand the urge to tell people and enlist their help in 'fixing' what happened. But if he doesn't get it, AND he has a toxic and enabling family, that hope will only injure you.

[This message edited by norabird at 2:35 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]

Imissmyhusb posted 4/20/2014 14:20 PM

But your MiL's response indicates to me that his whole FOO is full of justifying

Norabird, please elaborate

U r right about me tryg to enlist help. Its not workg. My MIL doesnt know about the infidelity, only that i am suspicious

norabird posted 4/20/2014 14:34 PM

It sounds to me like MIL wants to enable rug sweeping, and maybe subtly blame you for spreading 'gossip'. If she is focusing on your missteps and not his,her whole attitude may be one where As are justified outlets. Obviously I am outside of the situation, but sometimes family attitudes aren't really focused on taking responsibility, but instead are willing to make excuses.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/20/2014 17:34 PM

My MIL txtd me sayingg that i should stop tellg the family our personal business

text her back that her son should stop cheating. If he weren't cheating there would be nothing to tell.

And if you want to be snarky ask her why she didn't raise him to be a better man.

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