I feel he is the idiot for lying and cheating. That he is the one with a self esteem problem. I never felt this was my fault in anyway. I even tried to prevent it. He did not listen to me of course. Dumbass!
How do you feel? Has your self esteem been effected by his or her betrayel or lies?
Any responses are very appreciated!
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
And then once I realized that ex was a cheater and liar, and that his opinion (or rather, my perception of his opinion) of me didn't matter. He's a liar. Liars lie. Therefore, he wouldn't tell the truth about me, so why should I believe what I thought he thought about me?
It sounds convoluted, but really, it took less than a day for me to get there. Since then, I have had more than a few shaky moments with my self-confidence, but my self-esteem is pretty damn healthy.
so why should I believe what I thought he thought about me?
This 100%. Whatever he thinks about me right now is just lies to justify his behaviour. He doesn't want to confront the reality of what he's doing so he's hiding behind all the many, many lies.
I actually laugh at the messages I found of him saying "you are my life, you are my future! I will love you to the end of time" to OW. He was saying all of that to me, literally just 6 months ago. He can say and think whatever he likes, I know he has no conviction to it. I guess all I have in my favour is that he managed to believe that about me for long-term and marry me... But if she wants to believe his words, so be it. They're both liars.
My self-esteem has suffered. I've been cheated on before. I ask often, what is it about me that makes all the men I love eventually decide they love someone else? But that comes and goes... I know my WORTH. I know I know how to love. And I'm really sorry my WH thinks what she has to offer is anything more than ego-stroking and infatuation. I offered him genuine subsisting love, but I guess that's not his idea of marriage????
EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.
9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.
What's strange is after that first session, WH has suddenly "tolerated" all of my supposed bad behaviors. It's like they never existed. Most of which really don't. (These were stupid things like he cleans the house better than I, and if I did the cooking, I would cook fatty foods).
If anything, my self esteem is better than ever. His is the one that suffers esteem issues, which is why he's the one that had the A, and not me. I've also found that things that used to make me fearful or anxious are no longer an issue for me.Then again, maybe it's all because I'm still in "battle mode" and will not let my defenses down.
Right now, I feel like nothing can scare me or make me feel bad about myself.
He IS in the wrong for cheating. But trying to involve yourself in assessing HIS self-esteem is not productive. Betrayal and lies are not because of YOUR shortcomings. Problems in the relationship prior to D-Day could have been dealt with in an above-board way. My current feeling (granted, I was a stiff-upper-lip, tuck-your-head-in-the-wind-and ride this-out sort of spouse)is he could have chosen a different way to alert me. He didn't.
And, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the lying and gas-lighting after the fact hurt more than the cheating?
Anyway...here for you, and peace to you. Whatever I may do to help, let me know.
I have good and bad days, but when I look in the mirror, I see a 51 year old woman looking back at me and feel lonely. He's now living with the OW who is 16 years younger than me.
I haven't quite got my act together esteem wise and deep down feel the answer lies in getting super fit and super slim. Not a healthy attitude I know, but that's just where I'm at right now :(
DD 1: 27/12/11
DD 2: 16/04/12
Me: 49 (now 50)
WS: 44 (now 45)
OW: 33 (now 34)
Status: Divorcing / Selling our House
First off I want to say to all of you that you are great and worthy of great love! This is NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY! I want you to know you are loved and you are the best!
Do not let him take that away from you! What he did is about him! His short comings not yours! Please please do not let them take any more from you then they already have! You are a good person and never let anyone take that away from you!
I think from reading your responses I realized that my self esteem is in tact. For all the above reasons! Thank you all so much for your responses!!!
Y'all are the best!!! Remember that always!!! (((Hugs)))
And the OW/ BFF, she made me feel like crap too. She tried to make him believe that she would be a better cook, lover, house keeper, and grocery shopper. That his life would be more organized and nice if he went with her. She would take better care of the children.
To prove this, she washed all of his blankets, pillow cases etc while I was in the hospital having our baby. She organized his sock and underwear drawer, she went to the grocery and bought 19 kinds of grated cheese because he loves that stuff. She braided our older girls hair. She made divinity for him, his favorite. She folded and organized all the new babies clothes in the drawers. And she made sure to top it off with good sex.
Yep, my self esteem took a nose dive.
Before I found out about the affair and after I found out about the affair I never wavered in my values, morals and integrity. I stayed true to what I believed in throughout all this sick, sordid shit and never faltered.
It is precisely when things are BAD that we MUST adhere to the values and morals that we believe in. That is what those values and morals ARE FOR - when things are difficult.
THAT is character. THAT is holding high esteem. THAT is regarding the worth you have for yourself.
Anyway; I decided take me or leave me; this is who I am. It's worked for most part. I've come to realize XH had the issue.
ETA: I'm really super nervous in front of people I need to impress (like say, a far-away boss that comes to town, or someone I'm interviewing for a job with. It's weird, I get all hyped nervous - like sweating-in-person nervous. If I don't feel like I need to 'impress' you; I'm fine. It's actually something I'm trying to work on! LOL!)
[This message edited by wannabenormal at 12:40 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]
I have worked on this for some time and I know I'll be alright no matter what happens.