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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: Self esteem
♀ 32826
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking of self esteem and if I have suffered a blow to mine.

I feel he is the idiot for lying and cheating. That he is the one with a self esteem problem. I never felt this was my fault in anyway. I even tried to prevent it. He did not listen to me of course. Dumbass!

How do you feel? Has your self esteem been effected by his or her betrayel or lies?

Any responses are very appreciated!

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Dday 3 3/05/14 {Fully Disclosed every lie}
Two little ones
Married 19 years at the time of dday 1

Posts: 209 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self esteem yes... my self worth... hell no!

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I definitely have suffered a blow to my self esteem.

Me - 43
WH - 41
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Divorce from the ass is in progress!

You can see more of my story on my blog here:

"Never give up hope and let time heal you"

Posts: 340 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self-esteem actually improved once I found out about ex cheating. Before, I used to think that I was the lucky one for being married to him, and somehow, over the years, that had translated in my head to me not being good enough. There was definitely FOO issues playing into that. I had accepted what I thought was ex's perception of me as the truth of who I really was.

And then once I realized that ex was a cheater and liar, and that his opinion (or rather, my perception of his opinion) of me didn't matter. He's a liar. Liars lie. Therefore, he wouldn't tell the truth about me, so why should I believe what I thought he thought about me?

It sounds convoluted, but really, it took less than a day for me to get there. Since then, I have had more than a few shaky moments with my self-confidence, but my self-esteem is pretty damn healthy.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

Posts: 13044 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♀ 42746
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so why should I believe what I thought he thought about me?

This 100%. Whatever he thinks about me right now is just lies to justify his behaviour. He doesn't want to confront the reality of what he's doing so he's hiding behind all the many, many lies.

I actually laugh at the messages I found of him saying "you are my life, you are my future! I will love you to the end of time" to OW. He was saying all of that to me, literally just 6 months ago. He can say and think whatever he likes, I know he has no conviction to it. I guess all I have in my favour is that he managed to believe that about me for long-term and marry me... But if she wants to believe his words, so be it. They're both liars.

My self-esteem has suffered. I've been cheated on before. I ask often, what is it about me that makes all the men I love eventually decide they love someone else? But that comes and goes... I know my WORTH. I know I know how to love. And I'm really sorry my WH thinks what she has to offer is anything more than ego-stroking and infatuation. I offered him genuine subsisting love, but I guess that's not his idea of marriage????

BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
♀ 41951
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our first session with MC, it was about 10 minutes into the session, WH was telling her all of my faults. I looked at her and said, "It's a good thing I have a healthy sense of self worth, because if I didn't , and I believed all of this crap he's saying, we'd be in a much different situation".

What's strange is after that first session, WH has suddenly "tolerated" all of my supposed bad behaviors. It's like they never existed. Most of which really don't. (These were stupid things like he cleans the house better than I, and if I did the cooking, I would cook fatty foods).

If anything, my self esteem is better than ever. His is the one that suffers esteem issues, which is why he's the one that had the A, and not me. I've also found that things that used to make me fearful or anxious are no longer an issue for me.Then again, maybe it's all because I'm still in "battle mode" and will not let my defenses down.
Right now, I feel like nothing can scare me or make me feel bad about myself.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
♀ 42671
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh,yeah! My self esteem is hurt. I know, down deep, I'm worth more than this, but it is super-hard to remember right now. I'm working on it..

He IS in the wrong for cheating. But trying to involve yourself in assessing HIS self-esteem is not productive. Betrayal and lies are not because of YOUR shortcomings. Problems in the relationship prior to D-Day could have been dealt with in an above-board way. My current feeling (granted, I was a stiff-upper-lip, tuck-your-head-in-the-wind-and ride this-out sort of spouse)is he could have chosen a different way to alert me. He didn't.

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the lying and gas-lighting after the fact hurt more than the cheating? for you, and peace to you. Whatever I may do to help, let me know.

Me: Woman.
Him: Con-man who's gone...divorced him and still at SI cuz I'm dustin' off my hands, folks...

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 34726
Member # 34726
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self esteem has taken a battering yes. I know I've done nothing wrong, but when somebody tells you that only a piece of paper (marriage cert) and finances hold you together, even though every day since the day you met they have told you they love you, then it's natural to feel insecure.

I have good and bad days, but when I look in the mirror, I see a 51 year old woman looking back at me and feel lonely. He's now living with the OW who is 16 years younger than me.

I haven't quite got my act together esteem wise and deep down feel the answer lies in getting super fit and super slim. Not a healthy attitude I know, but that's just where I'm at right now :(

ღ♥¸¸.•*´¯`♥ღ LOVE HURTS ღ♥¸¸.•*´¯`♥ღ

DD 1: 27/12/11
DD 2: 16/04/12
Me: 49 (now 50)
WS: 44 (now 45)
OW: 33 (now 34)
Status: Divorcing / Selling our House

Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: UK
♀ 42559
Member # 42559
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think I was pretty awesome. Even with my WH complimenting absolutely everyone except me. But now? My self esteem is down to near zero since Dday. Now Im feeling like I'm such a disgusting slob that my WH, probably the biggest cheap ass I have ever met would rather pay money and waste gas driving 40 minutes then even consider me a viable option.
I want to believe its not that I'm gross and boring, But he has yet to give me any other reason as to why he did it besides just "it wasnt you" or the always classic "I don't know" and me being extremely negative I always believe the worst

Me 33 Him 44
3yo DD, 3wko DD
A buttload of escorts for "massages" at
least 2 EAs, ACTIVELY dating on
Multiple Ddays most recent 12/13
Gonna hurt when it heals too

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: The frozen north
♀ 32826
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank y'all for replying to my post!

First off I want to say to all of you that you are great and worthy of great love! This is NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY! I want you to know you are loved and you are the best!

Do not let him take that away from you! What he did is about him! His short comings not yours! Please please do not let them take any more from you then they already have! You are a good person and never let anyone take that away from you!

I think from reading your responses I realized that my self esteem is in tact. For all the above reasons! Thank you all so much for your responses!!!

Y'all are the best!!! Remember that always!!! (((Hugs)))

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Dday 3 3/05/14 {Fully Disclosed every lie}
Two little ones
Married 19 years at the time of dday 1

Posts: 209 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first it really did effect my self esteem because I was feeling pretty insecure before Dday anyway. But then I realized he would have done it eventually no matter what because of his own issues. After that I started beating up on myself less. My IC has been great at helping me rediscover my worth.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42484
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the A greatly effected my self esteem. He picked the OW while I was lying in his bed. In the end, he picked me, but while the A was happening, I was not his choice.

And the OW/ BFF, she made me feel like crap too. She tried to make him believe that she would be a better cook, lover, house keeper, and grocery shopper. That his life would be more organized and nice if he went with her. She would take better care of the children.

To prove this, she washed all of his blankets, pillow cases etc while I was in the hospital having our baby. She organized his sock and underwear drawer, she went to the grocery and bought 19 kinds of grated cheese because he loves that stuff. She braided our older girls hair. She made divinity for him, his favorite. She folded and organized all the new babies clothes in the drawers. And she made sure to top it off with good sex.

Yep, my self esteem took a nose dive.

Me: BS 49
Him: WH 52 ( lane444) married 25 years. 16 kids from 28-2 years old
OW #1 my friend, 1st year of marriage dday 3/17
OW #2 his ex gf in 1993, he claims ONS Dday 10/17
OW #3 my BFF NC broken 2x

Posts: 914 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 41181
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self esteem actually rebounded after the A. I realized that the marriage was not as good as it could have been because he was not present in the marriage. We could have had a great marriage, but he would rather stick his man-meat into some new piece of a**. It's all on him ...

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
♂ 35526
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self-esteem and sense of self-worth never suffered at all after I found out about the affair. In fact, I felt reinforced in my self esteem and self worth.

Why? How?

Before I found out about the affair and after I found out about the affair I never wavered in my values, morals and integrity. I stayed true to what I believed in throughout all this sick, sordid shit and never faltered.

It is precisely when things are BAD that we MUST adhere to the values and morals that we believe in. That is what those values and morals ARE FOR - when things are difficult.

THAT is character. THAT is holding high esteem. THAT is regarding the worth you have for yourself.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2012
♀ 19772
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read replies, but my self-esteem was never great it really took a hit. I felt like I was totally to blame; I sucked, I wasn't this enough or that enough. (then I realized my self-esteem was bad for long before all this!)

Anyway; I decided take me or leave me; this is who I am. It's worked for most part. I've come to realize XH had the issue.

ETA: I'm really super nervous in front of people I need to impress (like say, a far-away boss that comes to town, or someone I'm interviewing for a job with. It's weird, I get all hyped nervous - like sweating-in-person nervous. If I don't feel like I need to 'impress' you; I'm fine. It's actually something I'm trying to work on! LOL!)

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 12:40 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Posts: 15034 | Registered: Jun 2008
♂ 42915
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say my self esteem dropped to he bowels of you know where. WW had her affair with one of my best friends. She also did so while believing I was cheating. My honor and integrity are things I hold dear so for some messed up reasons I took her short comings and made them mine. I've since improved, I mean I've known this guy a very long time and I've seen his "short comings".

I have worked on this for some time and I know I'll be alright no matter what happens.

Me-BH WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 343 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
♀ 42952
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My self esteem took a blow for sure but more so I would say my confidence did. I know deep down its his issue but I felt lack of confidence even though I know Im a good person. I think my esteem is still there to some degree but its the confidence to exibit it that Im lacking. I know I was more attractive, a better person, better in bed and nicer than the Ows so it is more a sense of confidence in myself as a wife, trusting my instincts and ability to handle stress that I lack. I find I hesitate in conversations now, dont like making decisions and yet am more willing to stand up for myself than its an odd dynamic for me personally.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs came from multiple onlines
Possible SA

Posts: 912 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 17

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