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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: When the kids don't know
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are older. The 2 older ones have moved out. The 2 at home are 22 year old son and a 17 year old daughter,

They dion't know what their father has done, but I suspect the son at home suspects. I don't think he likes some of the ways of his father and he has seen and questioned where he was on some very late nights out a few years ago, before d-day.

The problem is my 17 year old daughter.
We are in house separated, although my WH acts like everything is just fine.
My daughter makes comments and questions why I am not watching television with WH, etc. She acts mad that I am treating WH badly by ignoring him.
I can see her point with her not knowing the reason and I don't know how to explain my reason.

Last night WH sat on the couch and just called my name until I came to him. My daughter came to say "dad wants you" with a "can't you hear him attitude"
I went intending to watch the show with him because of my daughter.
It was a Tina Fey show (who I like), but within a minute Tina's line was "you had unprotected sex with someone else?"
I am sure it was a funny movie, but that turned me off right away and I walked out.

How do I deal with looking like I am not treating WH right in front of the kids? I talk nice to him. Just don't like "hanging" out with him.
I am also wondering how much of a loony bitch I will look like when I push the actual separation.
How do I handle this?


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3145 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your daughter is old enough to know the truth.

There are many different ways to do this. I would opt for a calm, matter of fact discussion about the reasons for your D. Don't assign blame or go into details, just explain that infidelity is a deal-breaker for you. Encourage her to maintain her relationship with her dad and ask him any additional questions he may have. (Expect WH to be pissed that his secret is out.)

Then the next time DD comes to you saying, "Dad wants you," you can explain that it isn't your job anymore to answer his calls. STBX can come talk to you if he wants.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not told any of the kids of WH's infidelity.

I don't want to tell them.

I don't want them to lose their father like I have lost my husband.

I don't want them to hurt as well.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3145 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all have consequences of our choices & actions. Your consequence for not telling your daughter the truth will be to lose your relationship with her.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10045 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've, for now at least, made the choice deena.

There are consequences.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your kids eventually find out, they could be extremely upset you lied to them. I can see this unfolding in various ways..none of them good for you and the kids.


Deena, the truth is always the best. And your kids relationship with their dad is between them.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2782 | Registered: Jan 2010
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not telling them truth doesn't change the truth, but it does put them in a position of drawing their own conclusions when things clearly aren't okay in their home, which isn't fair either.

Typically, it's easier to deal with the truth than a lie, even when the truth is hurtful, but the healing can't begin until you tell them what's going on.

And, no, this isn't fair, but your STBX made decisions that affect everyone.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4675 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena-

My kids are 15,17,19. We told them about the D/A almost a month ago.

WH didn't want to tell them about the A. I said there was no way in hell I wasn't telling them.

I'm so glad I did. When I explained to the kids that I was yelling them about the affair because I take my marriage vows seriously and there is only one acceptable reason to end a marriage my 19yo broke in and said,"I was getting ready to ask anyway.".

Now my kids know that I will GIVE them the truth. They don't have to ask for it. They know there will be no secrets in out family.

They are angry at us. Angrier at their father. But none have cut him off and I encourage all of them to remember their feelings will not always be this intense and making amends and repairing the relationship with their dad is important.

If I had to do it over I would tell them again.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am conflicted now.

What everyone here says makes sense.

At the beginning I felt that to not tell the kids was the better option. I didn't want them to feel the pain too.
Then it was confirmed by my IC and my dr. Whom both brought it up with out me initiating it.

[This message edited by deena at 12:07 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3145 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why secrets and lies destroy families.

I didn't want my kids to know either. But once they were told, their relief was palpable. They KNEW something was bad, and one had decided that it had something to do with the kids. Once I told them the truth-- the REAL truth, not the doosh's ridiculous half truth version -- the kids were relieved.

And now they all know I will not lie to them. They can come to me and I will tell them the real deal if appropriate. If not, they at least get a kid-version of reality.

Tell your kids. They deserve to know what is happening in their lives.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
one2ndchance
♀ 14759
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want them to lose their father like I have lost my husband.

Your children will not lose their father. My daughter was told the truth. She loves her father, but realizes and accepts that he is flawed.

While I admire your desire to protect your children from hurt, we as mothers, know that it's the challenges and difficulties in life that teach and help them grow into strong adults


Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
tennis26
♀ 39585
Member # 39585
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..deena.. My kids also don't know my real reason for divorcing and they really haven't asked. Like you I've felt that I want to spare them pain as the divorce is hard enough on them. Mine are 4, 6, 10, and 15.

I am going to ask my daughter (the oldest) if she wants to talk about anything or ask me any questions. She is in denial and doesn't like to think about or talk about the divorce. So I'm dealing with that aspect too.
I'm struggling with how to be honest and gentle when I tell her about the affair.

I am pretty sure the OW will be in their lives at some point and they have a right to know the truth which they won't get from their dad.

It must be so hard to be in house S and have your daughter witness you hiding your pain. I think everything will make more sense to her once she knows the truth. It is also a teaching opportunity. To show your daughter you are not a doormat and she should never be one either. Betrayal is the most painful thing to experience in a marriage and you can show her that you're standing up for yourself and your values.

Let me know what you decide to do and how it goes if you tell her. I'm preparing to tell my daughter...I just want to do it the right way.


Me BS 44, Him WS 44
Married 17 yrs 4 kids-3,6,10,15
Day 5/23/13 divorcing

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doing it the right way
scares me. There isn't a handbook on this. And every child and situation is different.

I don't know what to do now....this is going to need some thought.

Mine are old enough, it will just put a wrench in their lives for awhile.

They are 28DD(newly married), 26DD, 22DS and 17DD.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3145 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
devistatedmom
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deena, I read your original post to mean that you haven't told your daughter that you are getting D at all. THAT is a bigger issue than whether to tell her about the A or not...

She can't understand why you don't come sit with dad. She's getting mad at YOU. Dad keeps talking to you like normal, you are ignoring him. She's getting mad at YOU.

You need to tell her SOMETHING. You can't 180 him with her there without her even knowing the two of you are splitting up.

I can get when people want to keep everything status quo until school is done or whatever so they can get the kids through exams, but that requires them not noticing anything changing. She's noticed. At the moment, you are at fault in her eyes. If you don't tell her anything, then one day he just moves out, she's going to blame YOU.

She needs to be told something so she understands why you don't want to watch tv with him like you always have in the past.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5588 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to hide the truth from DS (he was 20 at d-day and lived at home.) He was frantic to find out what was wrong and finally went to a beloved aunt (X's sister). She called and chastised me for not telling him (she knew all about it.) When I sat DS down for the talk, the X had already planted the seeds of gaslighting (told him they were 'just friends' etc.) I had the 'pleasure' of telling DS about his father's $1000+ viagra expenses. That was fun.

Don't keep them in the dark. Is it better you lose respect?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20459 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not told any of the kids there is a separation coming. I wanted to wait until closer to the time of separation.
And yes waiting until after exams are over is big on my thoughts.

My WH does not believe in talking and also acts like if he ignores it and acts normal I will change my mind. Even tho I have said we will be like mother and father, not husband and wife, until the time is right for the separation.

I don't want to lose any respect my kids have of me. But I so don't want them hurt.
It was like a knife every time infidelity would pop up in conversation over these years. How they would react so negatively to it. I know they would not have respect for their father if they knew.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3145 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your choice deena.

Your consequences.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Adult constantly underestimate the observational powers of children.


Deena, they already know. Especially if the 22 year old knows or suspects.

Telling them will help them start moving through this.


k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 2:46 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6614 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THAT is a bigger issue than whether to tell her about the A or not...

I respectfully but wholeheartedly disagree with this. Both of these points are critical. It is critical that the kids know the parents are divorcing. The daughter only sees her mother being a complete bitch to her father. She has no idea why her mother is acting in such a terrible way. I'm willing to bet that the daughter at this point feels it is her responsibility to make Deena see that she, Deena, is destroying the marriage. I bet the DD thinks that Deena has gone completely mad and is driving her father away. The DD is desperate to hold her family together, so she's telling herself all kinds of nonsense and destroying her own mind & soul hoping she can fix what's wrong. When Deena & her husband split up, the DD is going to blame herself.

It is critical for the DD to know the decision to divorce has already been made. She also needs to know why. Right now, if the divorce is mentioned, the DD is going to think it's because Deena has become a cruel, unloving bitch. The DD needs to know why Deena is acting this way. The DD needs to see a positive role model in her mother. Without all the information, this is not possible for the DD.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10045 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why she has to be told about the affair.

That's really intensely private marital information that shouldn't be visited on a 17 year old teenage girl.

Why can't she just be told that you both can no longer stay married successfully and have agreed that you're going to separate?

Her father is a scoundrel, no two ways about it. I have exactly ZERO sympathy for him. HOWEVER, the immediate damage it will do to the relationship between she and her father will be catastrophic and it will make your home a living hell overnight.

I just don't understand why she has to be told about the affair along with the separation.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1906 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 60
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