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Newest Member: farmgrl (61811)

User Topic: Detachment and love
♀ 39471
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in limbo.

I was in love with my husband for decades. You know how folks say that romantic, "in love feelings" don't last? That wasn't true for me. I still felt passionately about him after 23 years - romantically and sexually.

But when I discovered continued lying and cheating last fall, I felt I had no choice but to emotionally detach. At first it was so painful. I cried every day for months, ... it felt like grieving a death.

Recently I began to feel so much better. Still emotionally detached but I feel empowered by it. Like I have discovered how to not need him,how to be happy with myself without a romantic partner.

My question is this: when I think about romantic love or even sexual attraction, it seems like a delusion to me now. Like Santa Claus. I can remember feeling those feelings, but am repulsed by them now. (Either for him or any other potential partner in the future.)

Will that ever change? Or is this emotional detachment (and desire to stay that way permanently) last forever? By the way, it feels good this way! I feel safe and good about myself now.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2013
SI Staff
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping so that others can read and give advice.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its only natural to be gun shy about love after infidelity beats the shit out of you. Those feelings will most likely change over time. If you find yourself far down the road and still harbor these feelings, perhaps a good round of I/C is just the right medicine. I personally think its a good thing that you have begun to be comfortable with yourself before jumping back into the pool. Way too many BS think that their self worth is measured by who and how they date after infidelity. I did as well and started to date way too soon after my trauma. All that did was set me back many months in my personal healing. I actually took a year off from dating/relationships to find myself and I'm glad I did. The way I feel these days is that if I'm in a healthy relationship, that's great. If not, that's great too because I'm happy being with myself. Also you learned a lot about what boundaries and tolerances you need in order to date successfully. It helps weed out the inevitable assholes before they get a chance to worm their way in. Don't sweat it my friend, I think what your feeling is perfectly normal.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally time will restore the desire to be close to another person. You're obviously a warm and loving person and you deserve an authentic relationship. Take your time. You'll feel safe with someone else again.

BW--Me, 59
FWH--Him, 61
Married 37 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat. When I discovered ws had gone undergrround with the A, I told him I would not invest one more ounce emotionally into our M. I said I will detach and even though I can't D at the time, I would try my best to protect my self. It's taken two long years. I'm finally there. I just don't have
the feelings I used to about him. I I feel like "in love" is r eally just "temporary lust." I just don't know if I will ever believe in happy ever after like I used to. I cringe when I hear of wedding proposals and want to scream, don't do it. I used to love weddings and think love could conquer anything..not anymore
Although my detachment helps with me not getting new hurts, I am terribly lonely. I do miss the companionship of who I thought was my closest friend and confidante.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:28 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I detached too to protect myself. I adored WH, nut his cheating pretty much killed the butterfly feeling. But as I healed that in love feeling is not necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. I don't want to lose me anymore. Having some detachment and seeing my real partner with faults and strengths is better for me. It's actions that drive my attraction for him now.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOT ME!!! I will not give my WW the victory of destroying my ability to be happy long term. Detach and work on you. When you are ready your heart will let you know.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42868
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any answers, but just want to say I think these feelings are very natural and valid.

I was with my H for almost 20 years. While I think the passion had already died, I did still love him very much. When I found out about all this, I began to look at him like a stranger, and was not even interested in R. I feel repulsed by love and sex at the moment, and feel bitter and wonder if any of it is real or just a delusion. I don't even like to watch romantic movies or read romance novels any more. (Your Santa reference really made me laugh but it's true!!)

I feel good in a way too. Free. I can find happiness within myself. But I am hopeful that maybe someday I will want to find love again too.

[This message edited by betrayedidiot at 10:20 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Topic Posts: 8

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