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Foolme1 posted 4/5/2014 13:46 PM

Things are better. I feel stronger. I put his iCloud account out of my head. I had therapy this morning and just overall, feel better and more confident. I just love my therapist.

So, basically he denied denied denied that night that he went to the restaurant. The next morning, I get a text. He agrees, we should just focus on raising dd in. Loving environment. He said he understands why. So, it was very vague, but for now, it sounds like he accepted it. We all know how that works.

Anyways, I toldt therapist he's still here and that I'm not kicking him out much to the dismay of my friends and family. She made me feel like I'm on the right path. She of course agrees him staying is not healthy for me or my healing. My feelings of caring and feeling like I'm the only one who can help him are the codependency. But she said it took a long time for me to come to this, ending it and being sure of it. she said it will take one step at a time. This was a huge step for me she said and I need to get to where I will kick him out. She said when I know, I'll know. So basically, work on getting to make him leave. We've scheduled appointments closer together to help me through this.

I was angry that night. I'm just back to numb. He's made himself sparse when he's here, either outside or with dd playing and talking.
For now, I feel strong. Confident. I know I'm making the right choice. My method of doing this is t the way everyone would do it, but I am working on this. On me. And I know he needs to go. I know I will get there.

WinterBranch posted 4/5/2014 14:08 PM

Babe, good for you. Your chin is up! Keep it there. Love and all good wishes to you and yours. You inspire me to IC.

confused615 posted 4/5/2014 14:54 PM

Is he unemployed?

I understand not kicking him out..yet.

But..if you are paying for his phone..turn it off.

If you are giving him gas money...stop.

Other than providing a room over his head...for now..don't give this POS any money. You don't need to fund his affair.

twicefooled posted 4/5/2014 15:26 PM

I'm new here but I have searched out all your posts. Your story is very similar to my story.

My WH is on disability for mental health issues. He only got written off of work for the past 3yrs. We have been together for 16. I have stuck through self-medicating via drugs and alcohol. He got clean. His current addiction is women. I have been the breadwinner/main parent for at least 5 yrs.

I kept waiting for him to get better. I felt I "owed" him a roof and safety due to him being the father of my children. All at the expense of my own health. I have an emotionally satisfying job (I help peoplecwith disabilities to get jobs). Im a fixer.

But I now know I cant fix him. Him reaching out to other women (and him having at least one PA that i know of) cracked my emotional safety net. Ii can no longer be his partner. He killed it.

We are under the same roof until the end of the month. I got a 2bdrm apartment with the kids andc will have my bedroom in the livingroom. All because I value myself and my health nore than he values me.

Like your WH, mine plotted to do this shit. If he can plotcand be a resourceful liar he can be resourceful to support himself. Mine took advantage of my caring nature, just like yours is doing.

You sound like the strongest woman on earth. He doesnt deserve you. He will be just fine on his own. So will you. I will have my freedom from doubt on the 26 of this month. My bday ithe 30. My life back is my present to myself. I stayed faithful in my marriage but he didnt. But for that, what is marriage then?

Hugs. You are a warrior.

nowiknow23 posted 4/5/2014 15:41 PM

There's no "right" way through all this, honey. You've got to do what works best for you, and only you know what that is.

Very glad to hear that you've got such a great therapist and are prioritizing your self care with regular sessions.


Foolme1 posted 4/5/2014 18:45 PM

I guess I should clarify some things. Xbf is not employed, however up until April 1, the VA paid him to go to school via the GI Bill. I've known for a year that April 1 was it, so I set up a savings for HIS money and he took out loans to start putting aside in anticipation of this. So he does have a couple thousand that I put aside in his (what used to be joint) account, and I have my savings in my account (transferred my portion out when I got my own account). So yes, he will still be paying for his own bills for at least the next 8 months. I had saved enough for his bills, gas, and "play" money each month. He'd have been screwed if I wasn't looking ahead. Financially I'm ok without him. He's ok without me for only 8 months and that's only if I continue providing a roof over his head.

I'm ok with this choice for now. We try to avoid each other. I've not wavered in this for almost two weeks and I think he's starting to see I've had enough.

That doesn't mean he won't try to suck me back in, and THAT terrifies me. I shared that with my IC and she said the fact that I know it's a risk makes me that much more prepared. I'm not perfect, but I'll try like he'll not to stumble.

I still love him. Not passion. Not like u love a partner. But like a friend. That just feels crazy to me....

twicefooled posted 4/5/2014 19:39 PM

I wish you the best of luck. I know how uncomfortable it is.

I will always love my WH (stbx?) but never again in a wifely way. He is a good dad when he steps up. He was more interactive with them during our first separation, last year. I pray he is the same way this time.

Good luck and stay strong.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/5/2014 23:32 PM

He's ok without me for only 8 months and that's only if I continue providing a roof over his head

I thought that you had a signed lease agreement that started on June 1?

You really need to *get over* worrying about what is going to happen to him. He made his bed, let him lie in it, lumps and all.

Foolme1 posted 4/5/2014 23:51 PM

Oh, no, I do have my own lease starting June 1. I didn't mean that I will continue to provide a roof over his head, just that he only has enough to survive IF I continue providing a roof over his heard. What I am trying ot get at is that I am giving him till June 1, and I am ok with that. I just posted what I posted to say that yes, I am giving him until June 1, and I had discussed this with my IC. She understands why I didn't throw him out last week, and that where I am at is ok. For me, it is ok. It is hard, it won't be easy, but *I* am choosing to give him until June 1, and that is ok.

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