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DH new job

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Mumof3 posted 4/5/2014 14:06 PM

R is going well and I posted yesterday about obsessing about OW and stalking her on Facebook. Got some good advice to stop looking .

Ok so here is the next thing which is making me feel ill. DH has started a new job today after 3 months off work (the time off helped our R massively) and I am really struggling. I actually got to the point a few weeks back where I was looking forward to him restarting work, wanting some time back to myself (I don't work) and feeling like the normality would be something I would enjoy. Well since he's started I'm struggling because I'm imagining all the new female colleges he has. OW was a female collegue in his old job and DH is not a ladies man but crossed boundaries and she filled emotional needs until he felt he loved her and had an on and off affair with her over 2 years.
I am now finding out the names of his female colleagues and spending the time he is out at work stalking them on Facebook and trying to find out which ones are attractive. This is making me feel really anxious and I don't like it. But how do I deal with this? How do I possible move forward from this?

standingonmarble posted 4/5/2014 18:01 PM

Your date is pretty recent and I am a couple of years out but I can remember this.

What needs to happen is that you need to tell him your feelings and give him the chance to make you feel safe. Feeling safe is his main goal in R and he has to know where to put his efforts, that happens when you tell him when and what makes you nervous.

The more you "catch" him being trustworthy, the sooner this obsessive need to check up on things will fade, and its more of a fade then overnight disappearance.

If he ever fights being "checked up on"", then you have a problem, in my experience. He should relish being caught being trustworthy.

Communication is key. Everything needs to be on the table now, no hiding of anything, either of you. It can be tough at times to share things, but the more comfortable you get with it, the better R goes.

annb posted 4/5/2014 18:09 PM

When my WH left his job after D-Day, I thought I'd be ecstatic...I was to a point as OW worked for the same company, although 3,000 miles away.

What I discovered that a new set of fears set, my WH gave me access to his company emails and voicemails, and I was able to see that the women (weren't many) on his team were strictly professiona. No beating around the bush, all business.

Then we moved to another state, same company, different cast of characters, and I thought, here we go again. Argh! Same situation, all professional. Nothing.

It might help if your husband is able to grant you access so you can randomly check. I STILL have access after nine years, and have only witnessed one or two emails that were gently crossing a line. WH did not respond.

My WH no longer attends any business functions when women are involved, which really helped build trust.

Your D-day is recent, and your concerns are valid. It will take a long time for you to feel safe in the marriage again, but remember, your husband's actions are key.

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