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seekingtomorrow posted 4/5/2014 14:15 PM

Has anybody gone on to have more children after infidelity. I would love another child. But before this was part of my life I would have told anyone in my position not to even consider it, but now, I can't imagine not having another child, it seems too much to loose. I'm not sure it's right to have another child but I think I will resent him forever for it I'd we don't.

Kelany posted 4/5/2014 14:32 PM

I'm sure many have. We were done having children by the time he had his first affair. He had a vasectomy a few months after his first PA, but we were done prior to the vasectomy.

Even though we were done...if we had not have been, I would not have had anymore children with him had we not have.

I think it's easy for me to say though, because I have 5 children. My oldest is graduating this year, my youngest is 6.

Knowing what I know now though, the multiple DDays, the vast amount of TT, the length of his affairs (5 years total), there is no way on earth, I'd bring another child into this. We are only 20 months from DDay2, just over a year into R. So much work yet to do. Another child, for US would complicate things so much more.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/5/2014 14:39 PM

I only wanted one child and I had him. I actually purposely made sure I DIDN'T get pregnant again because I didn't want to be trapped with him for another 5 or 6 years until the 2nd one was old enough to be in school so I could finally leave.

seekingtomorrow posted 4/5/2014 15:31 PM

We are 17 months out from d-day 2 and I think things are going well. He's getting some help through the church we attend and there's a change in him now that he's not spending so much time covering his own arse. That said he has been unfaithful for more of our marriage than not. And I have not shaken the fear that he might have just got better at hiding it.

cuppacoffee posted 4/5/2014 17:50 PM

We just had a baby. I got pregnant on our wedding anniversary one month after d day. I love my daughter with all of my heart. However this was a terrible pregnancy because I was a hot mess the whole time. His a started around when I had our last child and many of my son's firsts are tied to triggers now. It's hard but I love my girl.

brokensunflower posted 4/5/2014 20:57 PM

I just had a baby 12days ago

SpecialK posted 4/5/2014 21:25 PM

That's a tough question. Depends on the status of your relationship.
I don't think, no, I know I wouldn't want to bring a baby into my life as it is. I don't want to raise a child by myself and don't trust my husband anymore....

scangel3 posted 4/6/2014 02:23 AM

I have wondered that a lot over the past 3.5 years, should we have another one, will I regret not having another one. We always wanted more, but his A kinda ruined that for me, I have thought about it a lot, and I came to the conclusion that if you plan on staying together and R'ing then why not, if you are still on the fence and not sure which way things are going to go from here, then hold off until you know for sure. Are you in IC or MC? If so what does your counselor think? What does wh think?

Either way, as we have all found out our lives can be turned upside down in no time at all. One day we think we are living a dream and the next we are in the middle of a nightmare, and we are the star of the show with our ws's and their nasty sidekicks ap. So I would say, if you plan on staying and R'ing and he is really doing what is needed for you to R then why not? Would you have wanted to before you found out about the A? Will you resent him and consequently halt R progress with the resentment in the future if you don't try to have another baby?

Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I know where you are, except my wh is not doing what is needed to "fix" this mess he created, but if he did and I was able to forgive and move one from this and really truly R, after a couple of good solid years MC and IC then I would have another since that is what we wanted before the A and I still want. But without stability ???

Ostrich80 posted 4/6/2014 04:14 AM

Im sure a few have. We were done having babies when my ws started his A but.I totally.understand your delimna. You know your ws better than anyone and.I would say just the fact your hesitant means its not time. Just another fallout of their selfish behavior...I'm sorry you even have to wonder if you should.or shouldn't, not fair at all.

PRNDL posted 4/6/2014 04:26 AM

This is my point exactly regarding the whole R thing. I dont believe R exists. Only one long torturous limbo. Doubt and hyper vigilance of the cake eating spouse.

If you dont feel safe and protected enough to have a baby, then you do not need to be together.

My wife had a 1.5 year long affair. I wanted another baby before that. She would have been 29 at the time. We already had a 10 year old son. I told her we should have expanded our little family instead of this whole affair issue. She "ended the affair" and we were in R. In the back of my head, I knew I would never have another child with her again. I would never trust her enough.

In the end the R was false and she was still seeing the OM. Blessing in disguise.

You need a man you can feel 100% safe and protected with while you are pregnant and vulnerable and everything after that.

In my case, I would give anything for my wife not to have started an affair 2 years ago. Instead I would love to still be with her with a little two year old running around doing all the fun Disney and Christmas stuff. She wanted cock instead.

When in doubt, get out.

There is a user on here with this in their signature, "If fear was not a factor, what would you do?".

Im very biased towards R and forgiving these sociopathic cake eaters. I try to give unbiased advice though.

Just food for thought

Hugs and strength

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 4/6/2014 07:52 AM

19 Weeks here!! And just found out its a little girl! Number 5 for us. Only there is OC in the picture, so this for some reason is actually kind of healing. We didnt plan it, my birth control failed. It does make me happy for some reason. I guess knowing that I will have his last child and not OW.

Freebygrace posted 4/6/2014 10:16 AM

We have a big family. I was pregnant with our 7 th when my husband had the A, and we have 15 now. We both always wanted a big family, and I wasn't going to let the OW steal that dream from me too.

Pregnancy is very triggery for me. It wasn't easy like the first 7. Mentally and emotionally it was a roller coaster but the children are so worth it.

Angel177 posted 4/6/2014 10:27 AM

My dday was 4 days after I found out I was pregnant with our second. It was such a hard pregnancy because of everything going on...but it gave me a reason to take care of myself after dday and I needed that. My son is the most wonderful baby and he has made my life so much brighter. He came to me just when I really needed him that's for sure.

We always planned to have 3 or 4 and still do. If I didn't think I could have more children with him that would have been a deal breaker for me. Having children and being a mom is what I love to do and at 27 I'm not ready to be done with that yet. fwh wants more children as well.

I actually feel more secure in the idea of another baby because he has really stepped up as a dad in the last 18 months. I always knew he had this in him but he needed to know it too.

Want2help posted 4/6/2014 11:37 AM

We conceived our 1st and only child precisely 1 year into R.

solus sto posted 4/6/2014 12:03 PM

I had an HB baby---almost 18 years ago!--- but lacked the insight to realize it at the time; much about the early infidelities came out over the years, but mostly after my last dday in 2010. But DS was conceived during a period when ...well, it was HB, even though I didn't quite recognize it, or the extent of the cheating.

I am FIRMLY in the, "If your marriage is not solid, don't have a baby" camp. I adore my son. Love him with my whole heart.

But I wish I'd had him with someone who loved and respected me.

Our marriage did not survive. I spent the first decade and a half of my son's life fighting for it. Alone. While being cheated on and lied to---by a man who was "nice" to my face, but vilified me everywhere else. A man who liked the kids primarily because they were an awesome distraction that kept me from really seeing what he was doing when he said he was doing other things.

The damage done to my children--the son I've mentioned and his older sister---is unspeakable. Just dreadful.

Honestly, if I'd known the pain they would experience, I never would have had children with him, at all. I cannot begin to describe the hopeless and helpless feeling that comes from having a child who is so depressed s/he can find no reason to keep living because his/her father has abandoned him/her.

And my kids were "lucky." They were shielded from the marital stuff until the bitter end, when there was no way to conceal it any longer. (I was, too, to a large extent; I felt a disconnect, but did not know that what I'd known as fringey semi-infidelity years ago had not only continued but escalated.)

My kids grew up believing that they had a father who loved them and their mother.

They did not. Learning this was as harmful and disillusioning for them as it was for me. And no, there was NO way to shield them from it. Even if they'd never overheard an argument, they had a father one day, and a gaping hole where there father once was the next. And over months and years, they've come to realize that the father they had was not genuine, but rather was a man who was---very resentfully---playing a role just to get what HE wanted in life. I have worked hard to reframe this in terms of his personality disorder, and they are generally very compassionate about this--but still, it's soul-crushing to love someone who simply cannot love in a way that can be measured by using the same Love Yardstick most of us recognize and use.

Does he love the kids? He loved the ego kibbles very small, children...offered. He appeared to be a very loving and engaged father. Perhaps he was---but only when it suited him. The rest of the time, he continued to lead his double life.

Are all WSs like this? Of course not. But fragile marriages are fragile marriages, regardless of the details.

And children do best when introduced to couples who are NOT focusing on gluing their marriages back together. They deserve---when possible (because we all know that God or Fate or whatever determines what really happens in this world sometimes has plans different from ours)---to be brought into a world that is prepared to welcome them, and focus on them, and not make them responsible (whether consciously or not) for their parents' happiness.

I am NOT saying that having babies post-infidelity is wrong. I am saying that I think it's VERY important to really do all the work for reconciliation and be in a VERY solid place before intentionally becoming pregnant.

We all know that "intention" isn't always the way it works, when it comes to pregnancy. And I do think that happy families can come about by way of an accidental pregnancy before R is solid.

But I think that, when making choices, making solid choices is a good idea. And when it comes to family planning and intentional decisions, the most sound choice is to get the marriage on terra firma before adding another human to the equation.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:47 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

luvedmypbear posted 4/6/2014 12:11 PM

When I accidentally discovered the A, DS was 2 and DD was 1. It was extremely traumatic for me as it ended my own fog. The year prior when my water had broken unexpectedly at 35 weeks just 13 months after I delivered our first child.
My doctor had told me that bacterial vaginitis had caused it and that more than likely either I or my husband were sleeping with someone else.
I laughed it off and he told her she was ridiculous.
Dday for me was viewing emails dated a few days prior to my water breaking that detailed MOW's complaint of her BV and her accusation toward my then H that he was cheating on her.
I was still nursing DS at the time so it hit me hard that my H's unprotected sex placed all 4 of us at risk.
He was at the time only sorry that he was caught.
We divorced a year later.
Then another yr went by at xfwh was in IC and doing better
We tried R and conceived DS2 during that time
Shortly after delivery he was caught cheating again
I was a mess the whole pregnancy and post partum
I gained 20 pounds and delivered at 147 pounds and 5'7 all of which I lost in 2 weeks
I was down to 110 by my 6 week appointment
I thought I could prevent him straying again and was a mess
H cheated anyway
His dad had a cancer diagnosis and he went fast .....2 months....
He claimed I wasn't there for him
Starting Drinking again
Found his soul mate in a bar
Found out via txt that time
I don't regret having DS
I just regret not choosing better to begin with
My xfwh and I should never have been together
I met the wrong guy and gave him the wrong finger

Only you and your h know if the time is right
Many many former way wards recover and live authentic life
Mine just wasn't one of them
Good luck to you

Swaying posted 4/6/2014 17:01 PM

I suspected A before I became pregnant with DD. We discussed and planned both pregnancies and intended them to be close in age.
Once OW started claiming her current pregnancy as his, I demanded a vasectomy.
I'm comfortable having only birthed two children.
Had I complete confirmation of his indiscretions prior to my second pregnancy...well. I'm not certain. I always wanted two children but...yeah. Tough question.
I guess? I'd hate to give up my goals, dreams, desires just because he chose to give up his.

seekingtomorrow posted 4/6/2014 17:04 PM

Thank you for all the advice. Alot to think about. We are not in ic or mc as the waiting lists for the services at our budget were impossible. But we are getting support individually and together from our church leadership, who decline to actually voice opinions or give advice. I was 36 weeks on dday 1 and my son was 6 weeks old at dday 2. Since then though so has answered every question, agreed without argument to a timeline. Given passwords to accounts. Let's me have unlimited access to his computer tablet and phone. His work is freelance but I have the numbers of every employer so I can and have checked up on him. He's become far more attentive to me and the children. He says he would like another but only after the timeline as while he says there's nothing on the timeline I don't already know he's scared seeing it all in one place will be too much for me.

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