Even though we were done...if we had not have been, I would not have had anymore children with him had we not have.
I think it's easy for me to say though, because I have 5 children. My oldest is graduating this year, my youngest is 6.
Knowing what I know now though, the multiple DDays, the vast amount of TT, the length of his affairs (5 years total), there is no way on earth, I'd bring another child into this. We are only 20 months from DDay2, just over a year into R. So much work yet to do. Another child, for US would complicate things so much more.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
my give a damn is busted
Either way, as we have all found out our lives can be turned upside down in no time at all. One day we think we are living a dream and the next we are in the middle of a nightmare, and we are the star of the show with our ws's and their nasty sidekicks ap. So I would say, if you plan on staying and R'ing and he is really doing what is needed for you to R then why not? Would you have wanted to before you found out about the A? Will you resent him and consequently halt R progress with the resentment in the future if you don't try to have another baby?
Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I know where you are, except my wh is not doing what is needed to "fix" this mess he created, but if he did and I was able to forgive and move one from this and really truly R, after a couple of good solid years MC and IC then I would have another since that is what we wanted before the A and I still want. But without stability ???
If you dont feel safe and protected enough to have a baby, then you do not need to be together.
My wife had a 1.5 year long affair. I wanted another baby before that. She would have been 29 at the time. We already had a 10 year old son. I told her we should have expanded our little family instead of this whole affair issue. She "ended the affair" and we were in R. In the back of my head, I knew I would never have another child with her again. I would never trust her enough.
In the end the R was false and she was still seeing the OM. Blessing in disguise.
You need a man you can feel 100% safe and protected with while you are pregnant and vulnerable and everything after that.
In my case, I would give anything for my wife not to have started an affair 2 years ago. Instead I would love to still be with her with a little two year old running around doing all the fun Disney and Christmas stuff. She wanted cock instead.
When in doubt, get out.
There is a user on here with this in their signature, "If fear was not a factor, what would you do?".
Im very biased towards R and forgiving these sociopathic cake eaters. I try to give unbiased advice though.
Just food for thought
Hugs and strength
Pregnancy is very triggery for me. It wasn't easy like the first 7. Mentally and emotionally it was a roller coaster but the children are so worth it.
We always planned to have 3 or 4 and still do. If I didn't think I could have more children with him that would have been a deal breaker for me. Having children and being a mom is what I love to do and at 27 I'm not ready to be done with that yet. fwh wants more children as well.
I actually feel more secure in the idea of another baby because he has really stepped up as a dad in the last 18 months. I always knew he had this in him but he needed to know it too.
I am FIRMLY in the, "If your marriage is not solid, don't have a baby" camp. I adore my son. Love him with my whole heart.
But I wish I'd had him with someone who loved and respected me.
Our marriage did not survive. I spent the first decade and a half of my son's life fighting for it. Alone. While being cheated on and lied to---by a man who was "nice" to my face, but vilified me everywhere else. A man who liked the kids primarily because they were an awesome distraction that kept me from really seeing what he was doing when he said he was doing other things.
The damage done to my children--the son I've mentioned and his older sister---is unspeakable. Just dreadful.
Honestly, if I'd known the pain they would experience, I never would have had children with him, at all. I cannot begin to describe the hopeless and helpless feeling that comes from having a child who is so depressed s/he can find no reason to keep living because his/her father has abandoned him/her.
And my kids were "lucky." They were shielded from the marital stuff until the bitter end, when there was no way to conceal it any longer. (I was, too, to a large extent; I felt a disconnect, but did not know that what I'd known as fringey semi-infidelity years ago had not only continued but escalated.)
My kids grew up believing that they had a father who loved them and their mother.
They did not. Learning this was as harmful and disillusioning for them as it was for me. And no, there was NO way to shield them from it. Even if they'd never overheard an argument, they had a father one day, and a gaping hole where there father once was the next. And over months and years, they've come to realize that the father they had was not genuine, but rather was a man who was---very resentfully---playing a role just to get what HE wanted in life. I have worked hard to reframe this in terms of his personality disorder, and they are generally very compassionate about this--but still, it's soul-crushing to love someone who simply cannot love in a way that can be measured by using the same Love Yardstick most of us recognize and use.
Does he love the kids? He loved the ego kibbles very small accessories...er, children...offered. He appeared to be a very loving and engaged father. Perhaps he was---but only when it suited him. The rest of the time, he continued to lead his double life.
Are all WSs like this? Of course not. But fragile marriages are fragile marriages, regardless of the details.
And children do best when introduced to couples who are NOT focusing on gluing their marriages back together. They deserve---when possible (because we all know that God or Fate or whatever determines what really happens in this world sometimes has plans different from ours)---to be brought into a world that is prepared to welcome them, and focus on them, and not make them responsible (whether consciously or not) for their parents' happiness.
I am NOT saying that having babies post-infidelity is wrong. I am saying that I think it's VERY important to really do all the work for reconciliation and be in a VERY solid place before intentionally becoming pregnant.
We all know that "intention" isn't always the way it works, when it comes to pregnancy. And I do think that happy families can come about by way of an accidental pregnancy before R is solid.
But I think that, when making choices, making solid choices is a good idea. And when it comes to family planning and intentional decisions, the most sound choice is to get the marriage on terra firma before adding another human to the equation.
[This message edited by solus sto at 2:47 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]
Only you and your h know if the time is right
Many many former way wards recover and live authentic life
Mine just wasn't one of them
Good luck to you