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Wish I never had to find this forum...

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Wytuka posted 4/5/2014 16:01 PM

I'll try to be short with my intro. My husband went on a business trip this week. He met a woman and had a ONS. When he got home, I just knew. He wouldn't look me in the eye, didn't show me affection, etc. So I asked, and eventually he confessed everything. He was drunk in the hotel bar, she was too, but neither so much that they were "toasted". Not like that's an excuse anyhow. She was married too.

He begged me not to leave, apologized, says he will do whatever it takes to rebuild what he's torn apart.

We had a son that died in 2005, & this pain is worse. I never knew there was worse pain. I guess because no one caused my son's death. This pain was inflicted by someone who was supposed to cherish me and protect my heart, not destroy me.

Yet, I just want him to hold me and console me. But, I've exiled him to the couch until he makes effort.

We have an appointment next week with a MC. I can't eat much. I'm down 7 lbs in two days. We are the parents to 5 ages 18years-10months. We are in the process of moving this weekend. It's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.

I feel silly posting when people here have combated more than one random ONS. But my world is turned upside down. I wake up crying, and cry myself to sleep.

nowiknow23 posted 4/5/2014 16:11 PM

Welcome to SI, Wytuka. I wish you didn't have a reason to be here, but I'm so very glad you found your way here.

First things first - one thing you'll hear around here is that betrayal is betrayal. All are traumatic and painful. You need not feel the least bit silly. We're here for you.

It sounds like you've got a whole lot on your plate. As crazy as things will be with the move and all those kids, you simply must prioritize your self care.

Drink water. Lots of water. Make a point of drinking it so you don't get dehydrated. For some reason, betrayal is VERY dehydrating, and you just don't have the time to end up in the ER with kidney stones. So water. Liberally.

Try to eat something, even though it isn't the least bit appealing to you right now. You need your strength.

As soon as you can, schedule an appointment for STD testing. Even if you haven't had sex since he got back, even if he tells you they used a condom, even if you believe him completely, you need to be tested. It sucks and is totally unfair, but you really do need to do it. ((((hugs))))

Keep reading. Keep posting. We're here. You are not alone.

Wytuka posted 4/5/2014 16:28 PM

Thank You. He did not use protection and is scheduled for StD testing this next week too. They told him it needed to be a at least a week after the encounter.

SadInNC posted 4/5/2014 16:29 PM

Hi. I read your post and I want to give you a big hug. (((Wytuka)))

A ONS is a betrayal and so is an EA with no sex involved. So, no reason for you to feel silly about posting or about your feelings.

I really have to give you props for knowing your H so well that you could tell immediatly that something was up. You didn't let him off the hook and he admitted to it. Those are a few positive things in a really crappy situation.

We're here for you.

confused615 posted 4/5/2014 16:35 PM

There is nothing random about a one night stand.

What is he doing?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts? Email,facebook,cell,etc? Passwords too?

Is he answering all of your questions?

He needs to go to IC before you two start MC. He needs to work on himself first.

Both of you need to be tested..and no sex until you have the results.

OW is married? He knows her name. He needs to give it to you. You need to tell her husband. he deserves to know, and he too must be tested for STD's now.

There are other members here who have said what you did...that this is worse than losing a child. Im so sorry you have to deal with both.

Hugs and welcome to SI.

Wytuka posted 4/5/2014 16:49 PM

I have always had access to all of those things. The only thing I requested that I didn't have was access to his private savings account to see what he spent out of it ($110 at the hotel bar).

He swears he doesn't remember her name or what she does. Said he wasn't listening to her when she told him. Which, I believe because we have friends that we spend a lot of time with and he still can't remember their names.

My boundaries for agreeing to stay were this:

He has to stop drinking, forever. He joined the alcohol crisis program through work.

He has to do STD testing. He has that scheduled.

He has to do IC and MC.

He has to make a concerted effort to show me he is apologetic. I don't just want to hear it, I want to see it.

Skan posted 4/5/2014 17:37 PM

You're very correct. His words mean nothing right now. Actions are the only currency that he can show you that means a damn. Words are cheap.

My FWH had a ONS too, but he went to great efforts to find his F-buddy. Seeing an IC for almost 2 years was one of my demands (basically until his IC told him that it was OK to go on an as-needed basis), and it was one of the best demands that I made. Because while digging for his "whys," they uncovered a whole lot of shit that he was trying to bury. I honestly know that we would not have made it through this time post DDay as a married couple had it not been for IC and MC. We barely made it even with that support, and the support of everyone here!

Hang in there and come back often for support. If you haven't already, take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also ready any post in the first few pages of this forum that has a red "target" next to it. All good information that you will need in the months to come. (((hugs))

Wytuka posted 4/5/2014 18:52 PM

I've read just about everything here. :/ I read and say "wow, that's exactly how I feel" or "what I need. I'm trying to reconcile my desire to have him hold me with the fact that I'm repulsed by him. He insisted on hugging me this morning, and I broke down. He just held me. Yesterday we went to lunch alone, and he cried, in public.

I hate that no matter that I know it wasn't *me*, I cannot help but dig for info on her to find out "why her". The answers I got were an additional knife to the heart. She was fit and just "attractive". I am not fit, because I used to be obese. I have extra skin and so on. Oh yeah, WS does too because he lost over 200lbs in the past couple of years.

He came in the bathroom to talk to me last night and was highly offended when I covered myself. He's the one who screwed up, yet I'm the one who feels an inch tall. I feel degraded and useless.

lilflower1000 posted 4/5/2014 23:39 PM

Oh sweetie, reading your last post makes me so angry! I rarely come over to the just found out forum, because it is so hard for me to read posts like yours with such raw pain. I was where you are about 19 mos ago.

I COMPLETELY feel what you are feeling all the time. I could have written your last post. My WH's OW was 20 years younger than me. I too have the skin issue that you have spoken about from 5 pregnancies and 4 c-sections from bearing WH's children. I am sure my WS's OW's 22 year old body was firmer than my 44 hear old body is.

PLEASE don't compare yourself to her. You are the person he took vows before God with. She was his sperm recepticle for an evening. You are an upstanding woman. She is a whore who fucks married guys she meets in bars. You are the one who has been there through all the ups and downs even the loss of your child.((Wytuka)) She was not even worthy of him remembering her name. There is no comparison!

It just sucks all the way around . I hate how we women are judged solely on our looks. You are a more beautiful person than she is because you are a decent human being! You don't cheat on YOUR husband and you don't screw other women's husbands.

Please be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 12:03 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/6/2014 09:09 AM

I don't quite understand why he can't ever drink again for the rest of his life.

This isn't ABOUT alcohol.

It's about his bad choices when the opportunity arose and thinking with his little head.

Did he blame it on the booze? They usually do.

Refocus the blame where it LIES - on his shoulders, not in his drink glass.

Good luck to you.

Wytuka posted 4/6/2014 09:14 AM

He did not blame the alcohol, but the fact is, he was drunk. He has had problems with alcohol for a long time. Once he starts, he has a hard time stopping. When he drinks, which has become increasingly more often, his impulse control is low. It's been an ongoing issue. So, this was the proverbial "straw that broke the camels back" as far as the alcohol.

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