SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Adeahan posted 4/5/2014 17:21 PM

Hey guy, it has been one week since my D-Day, i guess the best place to start is at the start yeah?

Last Saturday night/Sunday morning around 3:30am i woke up with this horrible pit in my stomach and i realized that why wife wasnt home yet (she works till 11pm usually gets home around 11:30 11:45). It was snowing pretty good so i became very worried, i called her work, i called the hospital, no trace of her. So i start freaking out, i check her email in case there is some clue in there, thats when i find them, first is a profile to the dating site Plenty of Fish with messages, then i find her "Work" folder, filled with messages back and fourth between mainly two guy, the first that lives a few hours away, sex messages, pictures of his dick, jokes about meeting at a hotel etc.

The other guy, lives in the same city as us and i find messages about meeting him for coffee and as i was reading all this stuff thats what she was doing. She finally gets home around 5:30 am and i confront her, she originally says she was at work all night, i tell her i found everything and i know everything, she says she is going to bed and shuts the door. Now we have been together for 12 years and married for the past 2, we have 3 kids, 3 dogs, 4 cats, a family. I was so angry and sad i asked her to leave, i didnt want her around me, i didnt want her around my kids, i didnt know if she was sleeping with these guys or anything, i was a huge ball of confusing emotions. So this is from talking to my wife, i sat her down last night and told her for me to heal i needed her to start from the begening and telling me everything that happened from he start.So she left here and didnt know where to go so she called this guy, the one she had just met for coffee and went to his place, she says there was no sex, or oral sex or kissing, she says she rubbed his back while he touched himself, honestly that doesnt make me feel any better, its still a huge betrayal of my trust, so then she left and walked around and ended up at her best friends, who immediatly called me, thats the story of my D Day, ill go into whats been going on since then but i think thats enough for right now, i have been having to talk about this for a week now and i just want somewhere with people that know how i feel and that i can talk to, i need the support, i have tons of family and friends, but i need his extram people who understand, thank for listening guys.

Skan posted 4/5/2014 17:47 PM

Welcome. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to come find this place, but I am SO glad that you did find us, for support. We're all here for you. This is a horrific thing to find out about a spouse that you love and trust, and usually the person that you would go to for comfort, during such an extreme trauma, is that very person who caused it.

Take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Take a look in the first few pages of this forum and open any post that has a red "target" next to it. Read the first page of each post. These are all helpful posts that have been written by people who have walked in your shoes. You're going to find them helpful.

Know that you didn't cause her infidelity. She chose to go out and betray you. It was a deliberate decision that SHE made. You didn't hold a gun to her head, you didn't tie her up and dump her in some guys house, you didn't make her do this nor drive her to do this. Her affair is 100% on her. No matter what marriage problems you may or may not have had, the decision to go screw someone else instead of talking with your spouse, seeking a councilor, or even divorce is all on her. There were other, more valid and honorable options, that she could have chosen.

Come back often for support. It can be very slow on weekends, but we are all here for you.

Merlin posted 4/5/2014 17:54 PM

I remember those first nauseating days, trying to get what couldn't be possible but was.

Peace and strength Adeahan. You and your kids will make it to a better place.

Adeahan posted 4/5/2014 18:09 PM

if i didnt have my 3 beautiful kids, i wouldnt never had made it through this, they a 3,5 and 10 years so and they have been so good, they had their hard time sat the start, i did my best to shield them from everything, but they are smart they know something is going on, i took the week off of work to be with them and look after them and try and get this whole screwed up situation figured out, they make me stronger. Also thanks for the welcome, it sucks that we all have to meet like this and under these circumstances but i am also here to help and you are probably going to see a lot of me around here.

kiki1 posted 4/5/2014 18:17 PM

(((( adeahan))))

so sorry your here.

take care of yourself and your little ones

outside4me posted 4/5/2014 18:23 PM

Man, that sucks. You've come to a good place, though. SI is by far the best support out there. This place has been a lifeline for me, as I'm sure it will be for you too. I'm 2 1/2 months in from DDay (still fresh) and couldn't imagine where I'd be without SI. Hit up that Healing Library and take it one day at a time, brudder. BTW, welcome to the Betrayed Men's thread as well. Love those guys!

[This message edited by outside4me at 6:24 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]

lilflower1000 posted 4/6/2014 00:22 AM

Take care of yourself and your sweet babies. Drink water and try to eat. Working out also helped me a lot with my anger during the early days.

Just a warning a large majority of the people here have been given lies on d-day and in the weeks and months following the truth trickles out I was sure that my situation was different but it wasn't. My WH told me that he only went to lunch with OW and gave her a hug. She even called me and backed the story. Next I figured out that they had sex. He swore it was only one time. Then he came to me swearing he would tell the entire truth this time and sat me down to explain that it was three times. Well. through monitoring devises I found out it was dozens of times and he told her he was getting a divorce to be with her. I just want to warn you believe none of what says. Actions are what count.
Take care

Adeahan posted 4/6/2014 01:57 AM

Exactly, and we have had this talk a couple times, again tonight, asking if she is telling the truth, is there anything else, if we are going to try and work on any kind of R then i need to know everything no matter how shitty. If she really truly care about me and all of the years we have been together, she will work her ass off to re-build my trust because right now no matter what she says, its still in the back of my head that she was hiding things from me and lying and who knows if that will ever stop.

I have never been a posessive boyfriend/husband so i do feel weird about some of the boundries i have had to set, she deleted facebook, all her emails go through me now, no data on her phone, and i can check her phone anytime with or without asking her, she calls me now when her shift is done so i can see it on the phone when she is done and the time she gets home, i have her laptop and it has bare min on it now, i feel shitty having to do this, its not like me, but this whole mess is shitty *sigh*

confused615 posted 4/6/2014 08:28 AM

Please get tested for STD's..and insist she do the same..and no sex until you get the results.

Im very sorry. But. She met this man online. She was at his house all night. She didn't just go over there to rub his back. This is a man who was looking for sex online. I highly doubt he invited her over so she could give him a back rub while he jacked off.

WS's TT. It's very common. Is she lying? Very possible. And, yes, she could be telling the truth. Chances are high that she's not. Do not risk your health..your life...on the possibility that she *may be* telling the truth. You need to be tested right away.

Adeahan posted 4/6/2014 14:17 PM

yes, her getting tested was the first thing i had her promise to do, which she is doing tomorrow, and i can see the results.

Uhtred posted 4/6/2014 16:49 PM

I hate to hear that this has happened to you brother. You're in for a long hard ride but you will get better I promise. Keep posting, reading and sharing. There are lots of knowledgable people here and you will receive a lot of knowledge based on people who have been there and done that. We here to support you.

Uhtred posted 4/6/2014 16:59 PM

I hate to hear that this has happened to you brother. You're in for a long hard ride but you will get better I promise. Keep posting, reading and sharing. There are lots of knowledgable people here and you will receive a lot of knowledge based on people who have been there and done that. We're here to support you.

Adeahan posted 4/6/2014 19:25 PM

Thanks, its hard, you guys know that, one minute i am fine, then im scared or angry or sad then hopeful, i want to believe, but can i believe? people arnt kidding when they say roller coaster. One i guess good step, she gave me her laptop, she deleted her facebook, no data on her phone and i can look at her phone any time, also as soon as she is done her shift she calls me from work to tell me she is leaving, even if i dont pick up so i can see it on the caller id, i really hope this is her stating to show me she wants this to work out and how much she fucked up, i am trying, thats all i can do right now.