"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

blakesteele posted 4/5/2014 19:32 PM

When a codependent person has a near death experience .....another persons life flashes before their eyes.

Dr Henry Cloud made this statement at a recent conference my wife and I attended.

I see many BS wrestling and coming to terms with codependent cycles..... Thought this might spark a new fire in them that helps them warm up to a new way of doing M.

It has in me.

God us with us all.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/5/2014 20:24 PM

Lol- I love Henry cloud. We read lots of his books here and my church small group just finished working with his happiness book. How wonderful that you guys were able to go to a seminar with him! End t/j.

Remember, WS can be codependent too. That's the case in my M. But he's working on that with his IC and feels much better about himself, although he struggles with it. So I agree that a M can be improved with work on one's codependency. I also believe that M itself has a certain amount of interface between the couple to make it work, and sometimes it can appear to be codependency in the loose definition.
Interesting that in my M it was the independent spouse who was faithful and the codependent spouse that wasn't. I wonder if that's one of the patterns?

blakesteele posted 4/5/2014 21:09 PM

Interesting that in my M it was the independent spouse who was faithful and the codependent spouse that wasn't.

This whole interaction is interesting. Throughout our M I think my wife would engage when it suited her and disengage when it didn't. She would ACT engaged, and my FOO issues did not allow me to see the reality if those situations. I would occasionally push back and her FOO issues would not allow her to see the reality as it was either. I was afraid of being in positions where I could be abandoned. She was afraid of being in positions where she could experience conflict .

My wife was fiercely independent when we first met.....in fact, she refused to date me. She always wanted kids but not sure she ever wanted a husband. Open to dating me only after I stared dating someone else.

I was never a clingy BF.....had my own "keep you at arms distance" mode if operation too.

Interesting also that I was a virgin at 26....my wife was my first. Had several GF's that desired to have sex, but I found ways to not go there. Used porn since 12.....according to the info available, I should have had multiple partners and been the "at risk" spouse for adultery. And yet......here I am.

This is quite a puzzle.

If it didn't have such pain associated with it....I could almost enjoy the complexity of what the hell this all means.

My guess as to why I chose as I chose is......fear. Not a stellar moral compass......just......fear.

Fear of intimacy mostly.

.....and, yet.......having a truly intimate relationship is what I crave most.

Sadly, I didn't have one yet. Parents did the best they could.....but I was 12 when THEIR worlds shattered upon their D (Dad had an affair, but there were other issues too).

My story is not unique. Not complaining or whining.

Just came to the full realization of my journey thus far.

$$$$$$$$ in therapy and conferences.

How blind I was. Makes me wonder what I am blind to NOW ? KWIM?

Dr Clouds Boundaries in Marriage was life-altering for me.

Cool you are a fan too.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:15 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]