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Newest Member: RM99 (46581)

User Topic: Is it wrong to tell everyone?
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's too late to ask this question, but I'm just curious what others have to say about it.

Everyone knows about my situation, about how my WH left me after blindsiding me with news of his A, and I'm not ashamed to tell anyone. I also know the OW and where I work, many people know her too. I'm am more than happy to tell anyone who's willing to listen about her and my WH.

I know what has happened is not my fault and I know that what I'm telling people is not a lie. I have received so much support that it's actually been a little amazing to me. It's helped me realize that I'm not as bad of a person my WH has tried to make me out to be. By sharing my situation, I've realized I've touched more people than I've ever thought I have by just being me.

I'm still hoping for a R, but so far, it's nowhere in site. In the meantime, I'm enjoying seeing the look of shock on peoples faces as I tell them my story and WHO the OW is. It's kinda a small town environment here, so I'm sure word is passing along quickly. I guess this is as close to vengeance I get on the OW.

Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm of the mindset, "if you don't want to do the time, don't do the crime.".

I see no reason to lie when people ask me what happened in our marriage.

I say we were having some issues, and WH chose to have an affair and was unwilling to end it and work on our marriage.

Short and simple.

I don't even use the F word when I say it. Usually.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 39885
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a popular opinion on SI but I would wait. This is strictly my personal experience but all my people know why my M is over. Hers, not so much. It's my trump card if STBX don't play ball in the D. It's never been explicitly threatened but it's understood. If R is in your future then he should be the one to fess up. Best of luck to you LOC.

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way you do. The BS did nothing wrong and the WS shouldn't have done it if they are that ashamed. You never know who you might help by telling your story. I wish I personally knew someone who had been through this. I would love to have a friend to talk to about things. If it wasn't so socially I expectable to speak of such things I might have someone to help me through this and I might be able to be a shoulder for them as well.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's totally up to you. In my case I told everyone that knew us.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
♂ 42915
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is you need to do what is right for you. In my case I worked with OM and he was my superior and a long time friend. He did some things that couldn't be tolerated and used resources at work to further his affair with my WW. When I confronted them I sent copies of all of my evidence to work. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of he affair. I believe my WW is remorseful and wants to save the marriage. She is the one who told her family first. Hopefully for us it will work.

You know the affair is not your fault. I'll second the notion. "If you can't do the time. Don't do the crime." We are all responsible for our own actions. WS must accept the repercussions for their actions. Good luck. Wishing you the best.

Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling the truth is never wrong, especially if you are doing it for your own support. People who work and associate with a WS or AP should know what kind of basic character they have, and make decisions accordingly. As you say, what they chose to do has no reflection on you, and if they didn't want to be exposed, they should not have done what they did.

I will add, however, that if WS is sorry, and R seemed likely, you might want to be careful about telling family and friends who would never be able to support your M afterward.

Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my close friends and I made HIM tell our kids and my niece. Our kids are 27, 25, 17 and 15. I made this decision with my heart, not my head. I don't regret it though. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and my kids would have found out very, very quickly that Mom and Dad are having MAJOR issues.

His entire family already knew, (which was another humiliation for me) so all he had to do there was tell them that I FOUND OUT.

BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person

Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was resolved to R, I kept it to myself and my close friends to ease our transition into our new married life.

When that fell apart, quickly, I kept it to myself because I knew we were divorcing, and then-STBX could lose her job, and that would mean more spousal support for me.

Turns out I got screwed by a lousy judge anyway. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. And if I got a better judge, it might have worked out.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5255 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, seeing how it was MY family who found out about the affair (since he works for them) and then he deleted his FB, which alerted all of our friends that something was up, I really didn't have to say much of anything to anyone close to us. However, these same people have already assured me that should R happen, that they will support my/our decision on that. Right now, they all have my back.

It's just all my co-workers who also know the OW that I'm more than happy to share my situation with. It's nice to see the little charade of innocence she has portrayed to all these people over the years come crumbling down when I tell them. Plus, their outpouring of support of me has also been amazing.

At first I was ashamed to admit to anyone at work, but then once I realized that I am the victim and have nothing to be ashamed of, I felt it was only fair to share with them why my moods have been so dark lately.

Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I see it, it's not my job to keep my WH's dirty little secrets. I will tell whoever I want, whenever I want, and however I want.

It really irritates me when WH was able to walk around pretending to be a wonderful husband. To me, that is not accepting full responsibility for what he did. I think I'm a pretty remarkable and fantastic wife for even trying to make things work and I want credit where credit is due.

I will admit that I have not always had supportive responses when I tell someone. One person told me that I need to get over it and if I can't, then to divorce him. I strongly suspect that person is one who also cheats (and doesn't take responsibility for it) so it didn't surprise me

Of course, my WH tried to tell me that I couldn't tell anyone about any of it because it was a private matter just between us. I laughed at him and told him that it stopped being a private matter between just us when he started taking his D out of his pants for everyone else and their dog.

I asked my IC about it, and he told me that I had a right to tell whoever I wanted. He says that abuse in any form (he considers cheating abusive) is socially isolating because of all of the secrecy surrounding it and the more I can break that isolation, the better. He told me that even if people aren't supportive, then at least I would know who my real friends were.

He also told me that if I maintained the secrecy that WH wanted, I would be enabling him to get away with it both now and in the future because I would be facilitating my WH's lies. In other words, I would keep playing WH's games by WH's rules. He fully believes WH needs to feel the full weight of his decisions to be an unloving husband and uncaring father. He can no longer pretend. He has to either step up and actually start being a loving husband and caring father or be seen and judged by his community and peers for what he actually is.

BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 535 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell everyone that wants to know what is going on, just the truth no emotional commentary. Then I also tell them that what happens in my a from here on out is my decision, and if they can't support me either way then they can't be part of my life.

I won't hide his dirty little secrets, he did it not me.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 42868
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am just so different from everyone else here. I don't feel hateful revenge. I didn't even want to know who the OW was. I didn't want our families or coworkers or neighbors to know. Maybe I'm somewhat ashamed, but the important thing to me was just moving on. I think I have just accepted that we both contributed to the end of our marriage and that having all these nasty feelings would only breed more hate, hurt, and resentment. I have enough of that going on toward WH to last a lifetime without generating more.

We told both our parents only. We didn't tell our daughter about the affair, but just that we had too many irreconcilable differences to stay married.

I just want peace, and shouting to the world that I have marital problems isn't going to get me where I want to be in life.

Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone about the LTA- our kids, family, friends, his co-workers, his boss, the OW's husband.
I was a mess and so sure that we would divorce. I felt that everyone deserved to know why I was falling apart. I was not going to lie for him.

In the end we did reconcile and I feel that him needing to face up to what he did has helped him become a better person. There was no rug sweeping. Everything was out in the open now.

And the hard work of trying to put our marriage back together could begin.

I know that some people prefer to keep it very quiet due to embarrassment etc. but I always worry that rug sweeping like that could discourage the WS to truly 'own' what they had done.
And without any real consequences there was the chance of a repeat of the behavior.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is great that some can move on so easily. I wish I could. You sound like a strong person Betray. You have a good point.
I think of it like a cancer survivor. Should they hide the fact that they had cancer? For some it may be helpful to never speak of it again, but for others it is therapeutic to talk about it. Talking about what may have caused the cancer and the signs that they saw that helped them to discover the cancer could be helpful to others in avoiding risk factors or early detection What if someone else may be helped? I just don't think people should be put down for discussing these things any more than a breast cancer survivor should be discouraged in discussing their situation. I'm not saying be a downer and discuss it constantly, but I don't see why it needs to be lied about and hidden.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the feedback! I talked some more about this with some friends tonight and the majority feel that I should have every right to expose them for what they've done. Again, I have nothing to be ashamed of - only they do.

Talking about it has been therapeutic and, like I mentioned earlier, the outpouring of support I've received from people once they learned about it has been amazing. All the prayers, well wishes, and even just hugs have helped me make it through each day.

And, if the news happens to get back to the OW's family... Oh well. Shit happens, right?

Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42022
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not tell people for weeks. Just a handful of people knew but it leaked out anyway. Now I would rather have people hear it from me than the gossip mill.

Just tonight I played a tennis match against 2 ladies I have played previously with my XBF. They asked why I had a new tennis partner and where my XBF was.

"She had sex with my H while her H watched so I needed to find a new tennis partner."

Kind of enjoy watching their mouths hit the floor.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ 43008
Member # 43008
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only told my close friends. I feel so stupid for staying, that I don't want many people to know.

Now, if I *knew* who she was, I would blast her out to everyone. Did she act alone? Was it her fault alone? Nope. But, for some reason I hate her more.

Me-BS 38
Him- WH 41
5 kids ages 18,17,16, 8, and 1 (& one little boy in Heaven)
He had a ONS 4/1/14 D-day 4/3/14
Working to R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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