Everyone knows about my situation, about how my WH left me after blindsiding me with news of his A, and I'm not ashamed to tell anyone. I also know the OW and where I work, many people know her too. I'm am more than happy to tell anyone who's willing to listen about her and my WH.
I know what has happened is not my fault and I know that what I'm telling people is not a lie. I have received so much support that it's actually been a little amazing to me. It's helped me realize that I'm not as bad of a person my WH has tried to make me out to be. By sharing my situation, I've realized I've touched more people than I've ever thought I have by just being me.
I'm still hoping for a R, but so far, it's nowhere in site. In the meantime, I'm enjoying seeing the look of shock on peoples faces as I tell them my story and WHO the OW is. It's kinda a small town environment here, so I'm sure word is passing along quickly. I guess this is as close to vengeance I get on the OW.
I see no reason to lie when people ask me what happened in our marriage.
I say we were having some issues, and WH chose to have an affair and was unwilling to end it and work on our marriage.
Short and simple.
I don't even use the F word when I say it. Usually.
You know the affair is not your fault. I'll second the notion. "If you can't do the time. Don't do the crime." We are all responsible for our own actions. WS must accept the repercussions for their actions. Good luck. Wishing you the best.
I will add, however, that if WS is sorry, and R seemed likely, you might want to be careful about telling family and friends who would never be able to support your M afterward.
His entire family already knew, (which was another humiliation for me) so all he had to do there was tell them that I FOUND OUT.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
When that fell apart, quickly, I kept it to myself because I knew we were divorcing, and then-STBX could lose her job, and that would mean more spousal support for me.
Turns out I got screwed by a lousy judge anyway. But it seemed like a good idea at the time. And if I got a better judge, it might have worked out.
It's just all my co-workers who also know the OW that I'm more than happy to share my situation with. It's nice to see the little charade of innocence she has portrayed to all these people over the years come crumbling down when I tell them. Plus, their outpouring of support of me has also been amazing.
At first I was ashamed to admit to anyone at work, but then once I realized that I am the victim and have nothing to be ashamed of, I felt it was only fair to share with them why my moods have been so dark lately.
It really irritates me when WH was able to walk around pretending to be a wonderful husband. To me, that is not accepting full responsibility for what he did. I think I'm a pretty remarkable and fantastic wife for even trying to make things work and I want credit where credit is due.
I will admit that I have not always had supportive responses when I tell someone. One person told me that I need to get over it and if I can't, then to divorce him. I strongly suspect that person is one who also cheats (and doesn't take responsibility for it) so it didn't surprise me
Of course, my WH tried to tell me that I couldn't tell anyone about any of it because it was a private matter just between us. I laughed at him and told him that it stopped being a private matter between just us when he started taking his D out of his pants for everyone else and their dog.
I asked my IC about it, and he told me that I had a right to tell whoever I wanted. He says that abuse in any form (he considers cheating abusive) is socially isolating because of all of the secrecy surrounding it and the more I can break that isolation, the better. He told me that even if people aren't supportive, then at least I would know who my real friends were.
He also told me that if I maintained the secrecy that WH wanted, I would be enabling him to get away with it both now and in the future because I would be facilitating my WH's lies. In other words, I would keep playing WH's games by WH's rules. He fully believes WH needs to feel the full weight of his decisions to be an unloving husband and uncaring father. He can no longer pretend. He has to either step up and actually start being a loving husband and caring father or be seen and judged by his community and peers for what he actually is.
I won't hide his dirty little secrets, he did it not me.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
We told both our parents only. We didn't tell our daughter about the affair, but just that we had too many irreconcilable differences to stay married.
I just want peace, and shouting to the world that I have marital problems isn't going to get me where I want to be in life.
In the end we did reconcile and I feel that him needing to face up to what he did has helped him become a better person. There was no rug sweeping. Everything was out in the open now.
And the hard work of trying to put our marriage back together could begin.
I know that some people prefer to keep it very quiet due to embarrassment etc. but I always worry that rug sweeping like that could discourage the WS to truly 'own' what they had done.
And without any real consequences there was the chance of a repeat of the behavior.
Talking about it has been therapeutic and, like I mentioned earlier, the outpouring of support I've received from people once they learned about it has been amazing. All the prayers, well wishes, and even just hugs have helped me make it through each day.
And, if the news happens to get back to the OW's family... Oh well. Shit happens, right?
Just tonight I played a tennis match against 2 ladies I have played previously with my XBF. They asked why I had a new tennis partner and where my XBF was.
"She had sex with my H while her H watched so I needed to find a new tennis partner."
Kind of enjoy watching their mouths hit the floor.
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Now, if I *knew* who she was, I would blast her out to everyone. Did she act alone? Was it her fault alone? Nope. But, for some reason I hate her more.