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lovehonorcherish posted 4/5/2014 21:04 PM

I am at the end of my rope and I need advice badly! Moved out of the house after H's AP contacted me to confirm that the two of them are still very much involved. I have an appointment with my attorney to begin divorce proceedings on Thursday since the R effort was obviously a huge failure. H has been texting on and off since I left on Wednesday but he was just off the rails today. Begging, pleading, swearing he will cut off contact with AP immediately if I just give him one more chance...he loves me, he cant' and won't live without me, he needs me. The things he says...he just makes no sense, like he doesn't even hear himself: "Yes, I talk to AP, confide in her, screw her sometimes but I love you, I want to be with you, you can help me fix this mess I've made of my life". I am so rattled by his behavior that I am shaking like a leaf and on the verge of vomiting. Do I just ignore him? Call a counselor? Call his parents? Get a restraining order? Help!

Gotmegood posted 4/5/2014 21:17 PM

Yikes. He sounds pretty self absorbed and childish. I rather feel like you should not get drawn into the crazy shitstorm he has created. It is scary to watch someone you love(d) act like they have lost their control. Try to remember that he managed very well until getting caught. I don't think you need to feel that it is your job to rescue him. Hopefully others will be along to help you.

devasted30 posted 4/5/2014 21:17 PM

Do you have proof, undeniable proof that the AP is telling you the truth? If so, sit on it for a while. Let him stew. This is a huge decision. You don't want to make a decision in haste and regret it later. Another few days won't matter one way or the other since you are seeing a lawyer on Thursday. Let him suffer a little longer and then if you decide to go ahead and divorce him, go for it!!!

lovehonorcherish posted 4/5/2014 21:22 PM

Yes, after going around and around on Tuesday night he admitted that she has been in the picture all along...through all the IC, through all the MC...she has been right there for the past year and he has had sexual relations with her as recently as one month ago

Flatlined123 posted 4/5/2014 21:24 PM

I think the H just confirmed they are still seeing each other with the text of "I still screw her sometimes".

It's not your job to fix him, it's his job.

Hugs to you. I hope you have someone you can lean on through this.

Lostinthismess posted 4/5/2014 21:35 PM

If he was serious, he would have dumped her and cut all ties. Instead if 'I will cut all ties IF you give me a chance' it should be 'she's gone, I never want to see her again, I will do anything'. He sounds like he will always keep her in the picture 'just in case' you two don't work out.

confused615 posted 4/6/2014 07:55 AM

Tell him to fix himself.

Then? Maybe.

lastdance posted 4/7/2014 18:17 PM

this person is not in love with you.......when you love you do not hurt or destroy ........he lied while at counseling........do you really think you can trust him.......why even communicate with hum.......you already know who and what he is......what more do you need......how much more abuse are you willing to put up with.......is this the way you want to live the rest of your life.....you know he will do it again.....JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.....HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR TO GET TESTED.......DO NOT LET HIM GIVE YOU A DEADLY DISEASE....THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT....HE CAN END YOUR LIFE .......HIS CHEATING CAN KILL YOU.......WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM NEAR YOU

lastdance posted 4/7/2014 18:17 PM

this person is not in love with you.......when you love you do not hurt or destroy ........he lied while at counseling........do you really think you can trust him.......why even communicate with hum.......you already know who and what he is......what more do you need......how much more abuse are you willing to put up with.......is this the way you want to live the rest of your life.....you know he will do it again.....JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.....HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR TO GET TESTED.......DO NOT LET HIM GIVE YOU A DEADLY DISEASE....THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT....HE CAN END YOUR LIFE .......HIS CHEATING CAN KILL YOU.......WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM NEAR YOU

Rebreather posted 4/7/2014 18:22 PM

It's called hoovering.

When they discover their source of ego kibbles really might be gone for good, they panic.

If he was serious, he'd tell you he had gone NC with her, written a formal NC letter, made himself an apt with a new IC, and completed the list of demands you gave him when you began to try to reconcile.

The fact that he wants you to help him clean up the mess he made? Is all you need to know that he isn't close to being a R candidate yet.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 6:23 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

SI Staff posted 4/9/2014 18:44 PM

lastdance,

You have been spoken to privately regarding these types of responses. Apparently we need to do it publicly as well.

For one, this is the reconciliation forum, and you are not reconciling. Secondly, nobody needs to be lectured in such fashion when looking for help.

You are projecting and it needs to stop.

twitching posted 4/9/2014 22:20 PM

((((((((((Lovehonorcherish))))))))))

Trust your gut. That is all you can do.

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