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OnlyDo posted 4/5/2014 23:30 PM

My husband had a brief affair with a topless dancer. That's what led to our separation. Over the course of the next year he did that "I hate you, don't leave me" thing. I stayed hopeful. Thought it was a midlife crisis that would burn itself out. He had been a loving, perfect husband for 17 years, surely this was just a phase.

Sure enough, after about a year of on again off again reconciliation talk, things seemed to be moving forward. Then I found out he'd given me an STD. He swore up and down he had no idea how it could have happened.

Over the course of the last 3 months I've discovered he's been living a double life. He'd been buying lap dances, paying camgirls, hiring "massage" girls, and escorts. I looked through our finances and found he'd spent around $8000 over the year we were separated on sex workers. Worse, it had started a year and a half before our separation.

We're both in IC and on psych meds. He's attempted suicide and I've been having panic attacks. We'll have a few good days and then one of us loses it. It's freaking exhausting. He's eaten up with shame and guilt, but refuses to go to SAA meetings. He'll cry about self-loathing, but gets angry over the fact I don't trust him.

I love/hate him so much it's killing me. I can't get the images out of my head. He's performed the most intimate sex acts with total strangers. I'll get in the car, start the engine and scream my head off. I wail into my pillows (I've got a teenager at home). I feel totally broken.

It wasn't a love affair, it was a 2 1/2 year sex wallow. He could order up a girl to meet him in the parking lot at work anytime. Stop off at a topless bar on the way home and pay for "extras". What the hell am I supposed to do to feel safe again? To feel sane?

thisissogross posted 4/6/2014 00:21 AM

((onlydo)) I am so sorry you're dealing with all this. I so clearly remember those frantic feelings. It did help me to read here, threads that applied, the healing library (upper left screen) the 180 (bs FAQS #11) was very helpful to me. Also, I know there are threads about situations similar to yours as well as (I think?) one in the icr forum. I hope you find helpful info here and am almost sure you will. Be warned that the forum can be slow on weekends, if it takes some time for responses that's all that's going on. You must take care of yourself and see to your own needs. I hope you know, with your head if not your heart yet, this really wasn't about you or anything you did. Just, as an outside observer, the way this situation played out CLEARLY had nada to do with you. Heck, it doesn't even sound like it had much to do with the other women. This is on him and emanating from him. So so sorry, it's just awful and that makes it no less so, but jeesh, don't you dare take blame for that! I'm gonna try to bump some threads for you . . .

Ok, they're bumped, all the ones with bullseyes. I hope something help. ((onlydo))

[This message edited by thisissogross at 12:39 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

absolut posted 4/6/2014 01:22 AM


Have you looked into how to treat your panic attacks? Different things work for different people. Having that gone is a weight off your shoulders.

Do you have your own therapist? I would really suggest it. Just take care of you.

And don't be embarrassed to talk about it to somebody you trust

eta: I just saw you are seeing an IC.
Have you thought about having him move out for a few weeks?

[This message edited by absolut at 1:33 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

OnlyDo posted 4/6/2014 01:56 AM

We haven't lived together since Jan. 2013. We live in separate homes about 5 minutes apart.

Skan posted 4/6/2014 09:43 AM

Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support, even though I know you don't want to have the reason to come looking, any more than the rest of us do.

With all compassion, he may be eaten up by shame and guilt, but those are all ME ME Me feelings, centered on himself. They are not centered on you they have to do with what he feels about himself and what he thinks that others think about him. Those feelings will not help you, because they cause no true, inner change.

Until he finds true remorse, and WILL do anything that YOU need him to do, to try to heal, and to get to the bottom of his sexual compulsions, you are going to live in this limbo of waiting until the next time that he acts out. I'm literally walking out the door, but I wanted to give you this thought. Every addict that I've known, and working in a charity that serves a lot of homeless people, I've met hundreds, has never changed their lives until they hit their personal rock bottom and see no other way OTHER than to commit to doing whatever it takes to change their lives. And until your WH does the same, you will not be safe with him. (((Hugs)))

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