"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Twotimesucker posted 4/6/2014 01:15 AM

Hi,
First time post. I found this site from a friend who salvaged her marriage with a lot of help from this forum. I'm 45 WM, my CW is 36. We have been married 4 years. This is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years and ended in her cheating, stealing everything, and running away with the OM 7 years ago.
I won custody of my two teen boys and finished raising them myself.

I just caught wife #2 a week ago by the phone bill. She had been having A with a married guy at work for a year. We were all friends as couples. She swore up and down it was non sexual, and immediately begged for my forgiveness. She said she would do anything to save our marriage. I was totally devastated! She kept on for 3 days saying, it's not so bad, we were just talking. I made her send the no contact, I asked for all passwords and tried to get disclosure, and made her sleep in the basement. I kept giving her chance after chance to tell all. She insisted she was hiding nothing. She makes it clear every time we talk she wants to save this marriage.

On day 4, I took her phone and told her I have retrieval software to extract the deleted texts. She freaked and admitted to the full blown A. I am beyond devastated, I can't believe this happened to me again! I immediately put her out and changed the locks. I was furious that the 3 days she spent showering me with compliments and affection, she was still lying.

My heart is beyond broken, I am devastated. She retreated to her parents, and has been saying all along she wants to save our marriage and she loves me. But I feel she is still lying to me. She told me through disclosure, that she hasn't had sex with him for months, and that she was trying to get away from him. She also said she was saving up money for a vacation and she wanted to take me away. I told her I still wanted to retrieve her texts to verify what she told me.

Then her story changed again. Her story was now that she told him she loved him but didn't mean it, and that she said other stuff she didn't mean just to appease him. She also said the money was an "emergency fund" in case we divorced.

Now I want to retrieve the data ( I never did) and see if she's just playing me. My worst fear is that she just wants to save her easy life and not be alone. I am by far the breadwinner and cover everything, and we are very comfortable. She says she has confessed all, and she does not want me to go through any more hurt by reading the sordid details. She says she just wants to go forward and start counseling.

Please help me with some advice. Should I retrieve the texts to see for myself? She has already admitted to the A, but the fact that she lied and her story has changed, leads me to think I really need to read the texts.

I love her more than I have loved a woman before. Her first marriage ended because she was cheated on, so I cannot believe she would do this in the first place. I have told her anymore lies and I walk. I am so tired of feeling sick to my stomach, and I really want this nightmare to end.

Should I just prepare for more pain and read it?

SWAT70 posted 4/6/2014 01:32 AM

Two time. I'm new to this myself but I want you to know the people here are great and will be along to help you.

My only advice is to remember it is not your fault. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

sadtoo posted 4/6/2014 02:31 AM

Hi,
Welcome to SI. Sorry you have to be here, but you will get good advice.

I think since the whole truth seems to be difficult for her to tell, you should probably get the text messages. It will hurt, but it will be sort of like ripping off a Band-aide. It will hurt a lot all at once, but it's better than this "trickle-truth" she is dishing out. That's like ripping open and old wound over and over.

The other reason you need to do it is because you know the other couple. And you should share these text messages with the wife of the OM (other man) This is NOT as a "way to get even" or be mean. But rather to give the other BS (betrayed spouse) the truth she deserves. These text messages will provide that "truth."

Don't tell your wife you are going to do this. You will likely hear, "oh, she already knows..." or "she's crazy and will cause problems..." or some other lie in order to keep you from telling. But you NEED to do this. You would want to know, right?

After the whole ugly truth is out in the open, then and only then can you really begin to heal.

Good luck.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:35 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

trojan007 posted 4/6/2014 04:21 AM

Hey buddy first of all. Just want to let you know that you came to the right place. There are great people here that can help you get through this. The best advice I can give you, be advised please take suggestions that people are going to give you seriously. Remember everybody here has gone through or is going a very similar situation. Look you might think your stories different and you guys don't know my wife like I do. but when it comes to infidelity. You will soon discover that most stories here are more in common just change a few of the minor details ... What I'm trying to tell you buddy if you want to lessen the pain please take peoples advice seriously.

Nonetheless you are in a very bad situation and I'm so very sorry for that. In the upper left-hand corner there is a yellow menu please read through the healing library. And most of all keep posting here... Good luck and take care yourself eat and drink water and try to get some sleep. If you're having a lot of trouble with this go to your doctor and get antidepressants and/or sleeping pills to help you through this ...

[This message edited by trojan007 at 4:27 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]

stronger08 posted 4/6/2014 04:58 AM

Welcome bro. I think you have the gist of what happened. But the devil is in the details. Being that your WW is a consummate liar I would want to read those texts. Right now she is in full damage control mode. She does not care about sparing your feelings, she is worried about what your gonna find. If she was concerned about your feelings she never would have screwed the OM in the first place. And I think your right about her being more concerned about her comfortable life then being remorseful. This woman has no remorse at the moment, she does have regret for being caught. But that's two very different things my friend. I guarantee you that she was planning on leaving you for OM. She was stashing away money, telling OM she loved him and most of all screwing this guy all along. I'll bet my left nut that OM was the one who backed off once she started calling him on his promises. Naturally when she started to get too close the scumbag OM changed his tune. The bullshit claims of you being #1 is all a farce. You are her soft landing, plan B so to speak. I'd dig much deeper here my friend and get to the real truth. And don't blame yourself for what has happened with your marriages. You did nothing wrong my man. You just got caught up with two cheating whores. Poor judgment in women perhaps, but so have we all. I suggest you get yourself some legal advice, throw up some big walls between you and her until you know what you want to do. To me you cant attempt R until you have a remorseful WS. And unless your WW is willing to be truthful and transparent (Which she is currently not) she is not remorseful. She rolled the dice and crapped out. Now she expects you to pick up her marker. I suggest you get as much info as you possibly can without it coming from her mouth. She is a liar and can not be trusted in telling you the truth. Once you get the info, think long and hard about what you want for the future. Don't make any decisions while in an emotional state. Be smart and get informed of the facts. This shit sucks, but if you play your cards right you will be OK. It will get worse before it gets better. Please keep posting and reading.

Badhurt posted 4/6/2014 05:23 AM

You are NOT a "sucker". You just have chosen two bad women. I believe it is crucial for you to retrieve everything you can get your hands or eyes on because how do you know exactly what you are dealing with otherwise. Those deleted texts will make it crystal clear what she was planning. Right now there is nothing you can do to avoid being hurt. It has already happened so absorb some more and know it all.
You did the right thing making her leave and since you are the primary breadwinner you do have some leverage. So do not try to nice her back.
I agree with the other posters. The OM 's wife has to be TD by YOU without any disclosure to your WW before it happens. Unfortunately since this happened within your social circle, you may find one or more of the WW friends in this group already knew about A and has disrespected you by staying silent. If that has occurred, they all need to be crossed off your contact list.
Hang in there. Try to be as strong as you can and get some help for yourself before you worry about her

jb3199 posted 4/6/2014 08:49 AM

Like the others here have stated, do NOT blame yourself for your wives(past and present) actions. That is all on them. The only thing that you may want to investigate, is if you seem "drawn" to women with poor boundaries.

I am with stronger08 and badhurt. DO not trust anything that your wife has said. Her story constantly changes to the new revelations you obtain, and that is known as Trickle Truth---admitting only to what is indisputable.

Also, be very careful about ultimatums:

I have told her anymore lies and I walk.

Then start walking now, because you have more lies in front of you.....guaranteed. As stated earlier, your wife is in full-blown *cover your ass* mode. And as you uncover more data, the story will continue to change. This is why any lines that you draw in the sand, must be enforced. If you are not ready to walk away, that is fine---but you do need to mete out consequences for continued acts that are not beneficial to moving forward.

If I were you, I would retrieve those texts. Keep copies in a safe place. And when you are ready to read them...if ever...they will be at your disposal. You may also need them in case your wife becomes uncooperative in either reconciling, or divorce. I would also see a lawyer---very soon. Learn where you may financially and legally stand after divorce, if things head that way. These are all steps in you gaining back to power and strength that were sapped from you during discovery.

Your wife is all pro-reconciliation? If so, is she willing to take a polygraph to prove her intentions? In reality, it is more the immediate reaction the moment AFTER you suggest this to her...much like the way she freaked when you wanted to retrieve her phone texts.

Is she willing to have a post-nup agreement drawn up, which would leave you in a more favorable financial situation if the marriage didn't work out? These are the types of questions...and her responses...that may show you exactly where her heart and mind are.

The one positive is that you do not have to make a decision this second. You need to get yourself stabilized, then decide what path you wish to take. You will need to weed out the bad influences in your life---and if that means some of the social circle that were not looking out for your best interests, then so be it. Right now, it is all about you regaining your footing.

Keep posting and keep reading. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help. I believe this site to be very pro-reconciliation, but its utmost cause is for you to survive this mess called infidelity.

Good luck.

betrayedidiot posted 4/6/2014 10:30 AM

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry this happened to you. To go through it once, and then get back out there and betrayed again is terrible! I hope she comes clean, so that you can at least have an honest starting point.

The part about her hiding money in an "emergency fund" for divorce is concerning. I would get to a lawyer and do what you need to protect yourself in case she tries to clean you out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she's not being very truthful right now.

Didact posted 4/6/2014 20:21 PM

I think you should use the recovery software on the phone today. Each day that passes, the amount of information that is recoverable decays as new things are saved/erased, etc.

The real question is whether it would be healthy to review it all.

In my case, after three days of TT, I finally believed I had most of the details and facts, some of which were very brutal and hard to hear.

WW gave me her phone, allowed me to unerase all the text messages and message content, including photos and (yes) video. She sat with me while I reviewed each item.

The satisfying part was that (with few small exceptions) there was nothing there that was inconsistent with the "truth" as she had told me. That helped build trust in a big way. Additionally, for me, it would have killed me to know that the content was there, but I wasn't allowed to see it -- it would remain private and personal between WW and AP. That wouldn't do in my case.

The caution is this: There WILL be texts that they have sent back and forth while in their little fantasy bubble that cannot be unseen. They will haunt you, and I'm fairly certain that it isn't right for everyone. For example, after one night when we had "sex" for what it was, she sent two texts to AP. First was a tease that it had been awesome, romantic, started with bath and candles and..." Next text one minute later was "LOL, I'm teasing, it was fast, he came. I didn't. It's Fine" That's the sort of shit you never forget.

Bottom line: retrieve the messages and save them. Then think long about whether you really want to read them.

Adeahan posted 4/6/2014 20:29 PM

oh man, so sorry you had this happen. I had to do something like what you are talking about with my WS, except it was with emails and plenty of fish messages, i had to go through and read and screenshot everything, it is going to suck, that part almost killed me having to read the stuff i did. Knowledge is power though, at least you will know everything you can to match her stories up, again man i am sorry, we are here for you though if you need anything.

twisted posted 4/6/2014 20:41 PM

She also said the money was an "emergency fund" in case we divorced

Just goes to show you how valuable this site is. I'm years past d-day and it never occurred to me that my WW's college fund of cash for the boys was most likely an emergency divorce fund , just in case.
Yeah, recover all info and keep it safe, now! At least you have options later. God luck
,

Breezy150 posted 4/6/2014 20:43 PM

I agree with retrieving the messages. You may need them later. Another concern I have is that she knew your first marriage ended because of infidelity, to me the fact that she did it means she didn't care one bit about it heading your marriage for the big D. She was already stashing money, be very careful, she may be saying whatever you want to hear to gather up more resources. Reconciliation may not be in the cards at all for her, but she was caught before she could get enough to leave.

(((Hugs))) so sorry you are here. Protect and take care of yourself now, you will know her true intentions soon enough.

twisted posted 4/6/2014 20:47 PM

I'm the kind of guy that wanted all the info, not necessarily all the ugly details, but enough to know the entire scope of what was going on. Some will be just the fantasy of the affair and it's going to hurt, but it's better you imagining the worst and it not being the case. I'd take my chances.

Wytuka posted 4/7/2014 03:21 AM

I had to have all details. ALL. Im not sure if those details or for the best or not yet...I'm still new to this. I can't get the "movies" to stop playing in my mind. But, the ones I imagined before asking questions were a lot worse. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Wytuka at 3:21 AM, April 7th (Monday)]

Twotimesucker posted 4/9/2014 09:50 AM

Well after I put her out, she wanted to come back during the day Sunday. She finally gave me full D. There was a change in her, she was almost angry as she was giving me the last details I didn't know.

She told me she had guilt and pain through most of her A. I tried to retrieve her texts and I got very little. She told me she often screamed and fought with him, and it was all over me. He said he didn't love his wife, and she told him she still loved me and felt horrible. She swore up and down that she had totally D to me. She has found us a marriage counselor for us, and we are going to start going back to church together like we used to.

I let her come back home yesterday. We have spent all of our time with each other, trying to start the healing process. I woke up this morning and helped to get her off to work. The minute she left the house, I had that big knot in my stomach come back, and got literally physically Ill.

I went back to her phone that I confiscated, and I just listened to every vm the OM ever left her...what a relief!! She truly has totally D, and all the vm's back up exactly what she told me. The times and dates match up, and she did try to get free from him for a long time. He called her and threatened her that if she didn't return his calls he was coming to me and would destroy her life.

After spending the last 24 hours with her I can see that R is a real legitimate possibility.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who replied to this post, I know I will need to hang around here for a long time to come.

It won't be easy, I just have to take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...

Thank you SI!