I just caught wife #2 a week ago by the phone bill. She had been having A with a married guy at work for a year. We were all friends as couples. She swore up and down it was non sexual, and immediately begged for my forgiveness. She said she would do anything to save our marriage. I was totally devastated! She kept on for 3 days saying, it's not so bad, we were just talking. I made her send the no contact, I asked for all passwords and tried to get disclosure, and made her sleep in the basement. I kept giving her chance after chance to tell all. She insisted she was hiding nothing. She makes it clear every time we talk she wants to save this marriage.
On day 4, I took her phone and told her I have retrieval software to extract the deleted texts. She freaked and admitted to the full blown A. I am beyond devastated, I can't believe this happened to me again! I immediately put her out and changed the locks. I was furious that the 3 days she spent showering me with compliments and affection, she was still lying.
My heart is beyond broken, I am devastated. She retreated to her parents, and has been saying all along she wants to save our marriage and she loves me. But I feel she is still lying to me. She told me through disclosure, that she hasn't had sex with him for months, and that she was trying to get away from him. She also said she was saving up money for a vacation and she wanted to take me away. I told her I still wanted to retrieve her texts to verify what she told me.
Then her story changed again. Her story was now that she told him she loved him but didn't mean it, and that she said other stuff she didn't mean just to appease him. She also said the money was an "emergency fund" in case we divorced.
Now I want to retrieve the data ( I never did) and see if she's just playing me. My worst fear is that she just wants to save her easy life and not be alone. I am by far the breadwinner and cover everything, and we are very comfortable. She says she has confessed all, and she does not want me to go through any more hurt by reading the sordid details. She says she just wants to go forward and start counseling.
Please help me with some advice. Should I retrieve the texts to see for myself? She has already admitted to the A, but the fact that she lied and her story has changed, leads me to think I really need to read the texts.
I love her more than I have loved a woman before. Her first marriage ended because she was cheated on, so I cannot believe she would do this in the first place. I have told her anymore lies and I walk. I am so tired of feeling sick to my stomach, and I really want this nightmare to end.
Should I just prepare for more pain and read it?
My only advice is to remember it is not your fault. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
I think since the whole truth seems to be difficult for her to tell, you should probably get the text messages. It will hurt, but it will be sort of like ripping off a Band-aide. It will hurt a lot all at once, but it's better than this "trickle-truth" she is dishing out. That's like ripping open and old wound over and over.
The other reason you need to do it is because you know the other couple. And you should share these text messages with the wife of the OM (other man) This is NOT as a "way to get even" or be mean. But rather to give the other BS (betrayed spouse) the truth she deserves. These text messages will provide that "truth."
Don't tell your wife you are going to do this. You will likely hear, "oh, she already knows..." or "she's crazy and will cause problems..." or some other lie in order to keep you from telling. But you NEED to do this. You would want to know, right?
After the whole ugly truth is out in the open, then and only then can you really begin to heal.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:35 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]
Nonetheless you are in a very bad situation and I'm so very sorry for that. In the upper left-hand corner there is a yellow menu please read through the healing library. And most of all keep posting here... Good luck and take care yourself eat and drink water and try to get some sleep. If you're having a lot of trouble with this go to your doctor and get antidepressants and/or sleeping pills to help you through this ...
[This message edited by trojan007 at 4:27 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]
I am with stronger08 and badhurt. DO not trust anything that your wife has said. Her story constantly changes to the new revelations you obtain, and that is known as Trickle Truth---admitting only to what is indisputable.
Also, be very careful about ultimatums:
I have told her anymore lies and I walk.
Then start walking now, because you have more lies in front of you.....guaranteed. As stated earlier, your wife is in full-blown *cover your ass* mode. And as you uncover more data, the story will continue to change. This is why any lines that you draw in the sand, must be enforced. If you are not ready to walk away, that is fine---but you do need to mete out consequences for continued acts that are not beneficial to moving forward.
If I were you, I would retrieve those texts. Keep copies in a safe place. And when you are ready to read them...if ever...they will be at your disposal. You may also need them in case your wife becomes uncooperative in either reconciling, or divorce. I would also see a lawyer---very soon. Learn where you may financially and legally stand after divorce, if things head that way. These are all steps in you gaining back to power and strength that were sapped from you during discovery.
Your wife is all pro-reconciliation? If so, is she willing to take a polygraph to prove her intentions? In reality, it is more the immediate reaction the moment AFTER you suggest this to her...much like the way she freaked when you wanted to retrieve her phone texts.
Is she willing to have a post-nup agreement drawn up, which would leave you in a more favorable financial situation if the marriage didn't work out? These are the types of questions...and her responses...that may show you exactly where her heart and mind are.
The one positive is that you do not have to make a decision this second. You need to get yourself stabilized, then decide what path you wish to take. You will need to weed out the bad influences in your life---and if that means some of the social circle that were not looking out for your best interests, then so be it. Right now, it is all about you regaining your footing.
Keep posting and keep reading. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help. I believe this site to be very pro-reconciliation, but its utmost cause is for you to survive this mess called infidelity.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14
Heading for D
The part about her hiding money in an "emergency fund" for divorce is concerning. I would get to a lawyer and do what you need to protect yourself in case she tries to clean you out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she's not being very truthful right now.
The real question is whether it would be healthy to review it all.
In my case, after three days of TT, I finally believed I had most of the details and facts, some of which were very brutal and hard to hear.
WW gave me her phone, allowed me to unerase all the text messages and message content, including photos and (yes) video. She sat with me while I reviewed each item.
The satisfying part was that (with few small exceptions) there was nothing there that was inconsistent with the "truth" as she had told me. That helped build trust in a big way. Additionally, for me, it would have killed me to know that the content was there, but I wasn't allowed to see it -- it would remain private and personal between WW and AP. That wouldn't do in my case.
The caution is this: There WILL be texts that they have sent back and forth while in their little fantasy bubble that cannot be unseen. They will haunt you, and I'm fairly certain that it isn't right for everyone. For example, after one night when we had "sex" for what it was, she sent two texts to AP. First was a tease that it had been awesome, romantic, started with bath and candles and..." Next text one minute later was "LOL, I'm teasing, it was fast, he came. I didn't. It's Fine" That's the sort of shit you never forget.
Bottom line: retrieve the messages and save them. Then think long about whether you really want to read them.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
She also said the money was an "emergency fund" in case we divorced
(((Hugs))) so sorry you are here. Protect and take care of yourself now, you will know her true intentions soon enough.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
[This message edited by Wytuka at 3:21 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
She told me she had guilt and pain through most of her A. I tried to retrieve her texts and I got very little. She told me she often screamed and fought with him, and it was all over me. He said he didn't love his wife, and she told him she still loved me and felt horrible. She swore up and down that she had totally D to me. She has found us a marriage counselor for us, and we are going to start going back to church together like we used to.
I let her come back home yesterday. We have spent all of our time with each other, trying to start the healing process. I woke up this morning and helped to get her off to work. The minute she left the house, I had that big knot in my stomach come back, and got literally physically Ill.
I went back to her phone that I confiscated, and I just listened to every vm the OM ever left her...what a relief!! She truly has totally D, and all the vm's back up exactly what she told me. The times and dates match up, and she did try to get free from him for a long time. He called her and threatened her that if she didn't return his calls he was coming to me and would destroy her life.
After spending the last 24 hours with her I can see that R is a real legitimate possibility.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who replied to this post, I know I will need to hang around here for a long time to come.
It won't be easy, I just have to take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...
Thank you SI!