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Sucks to be here....but so glad I found this site.

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SoTired011114 posted 4/6/2014 10:29 AM

Hello to all. First of all I just want to say I hurt so badly for everyone here, this is the kind of site no one wants to find themselves searching for.

I've been lurking since DDay and finally decided to share my story.

We are almost 3 months out from DDay. Which was January 11, 2014 at exactly 7:34 was a Saturday..... I can still feel that overwhelming feeling of panic rushing through my body.

I am 24 years old and WH is 28 (today is his birthday....) we have been together for 6 years and married for 3. We have 2 children.

I thought we had the perfect marriage. We knew each other in school and had been friends, he tried to turn the relationship into something more hut I wasn't interested then. Well my senior year in high school after about 2 years of not talking to him since he graduated he found me through social network and it all began there. We were madly in love and I moved in with him 2 months later. He proposed to me on Christmas of that year. We had kids got married and things had been great.

Well in December of 2013 things started getting hectic around our house. I'm in school to become a respiratory therapist and school was very stressful for me as it is for most especially balancing 2 kids and a home and a husband who works on an oil rig so he is gone every other week. Adding my 17 year old brother to it all who was living with us at the time.

My husband got laid off from his job( super stressful in itself especially so close to Christmas) and my brother got a very severe case of pneumonia. I was stressed to the max trying to deal with everything. Then our 3 year old caught the flu..where I live the flu was killing people left and was the worst flu season in since the swine flu first showed up...I was a mess dealing with everything. I suffer from severe anxiety and panic disorder so this just made me feel like I was losing control.

He mentioned something to me in passing one day about wishing I could spend more time with him and love on him more.....I told him I was sorry I was just so stressed about school,him being laid off, kids being sick. Just everything was so crazy but I would be better. I genuinely felt horrible that I had neglected him to the point that he felt like I didn't love him.

So after a couple days of meds our son got better and I felt like I could settle down just a little bit. And then it hit me how much I missed my husband and just wanted to be in his arms. I came up to him from behind and started kissing his neck and just holding him.....HE GOT MAD AND PUSHED ME AWAY. he told me that it aggravated him that now all of a sudden I wanted to love on him. Red flag #1 that I didn't see then because I felt so guilty that I had made him feel that way.

Anyway after a few days of persistence he finally started to give back and we had the best 2 weeks together that we've had in along time.

He got called back into work on January 9th. That was a Thursday he was to start work the next day in Saturday. So he left late Friday night. The rig was 3 hours away. Well that night he left we were in the phone when he got to the rig and he kept trying to get off the phone for stupid little reasons and I could hear him texting...he just tried to say I was hearing the air conditioner.... So I just blew it off because I've always trusted my husband.

So he gets off the phone saying that he is just dead tired and has to get back in to the routine of work blah blah so we get off the phone at 10 pm. I felt a little uneasy but just blamed it on the stress of everything and it was no big deal I knew he had to have been tired.

Saturday morning I woke in a panic and in that instant I opened my eyes I knew things would never be the same. I don't know what it was...intuition slapping me in the face I guess, so I immediately logged on to the cell phone account and there it a was. Hundreds of texts, picture messages and calls to a phone number that is out of this area code.

He always txt me as soon as he wakes up for work at 5 am that he loves me and he hopes I have a good day.
He txt me that exact txt at 5:20 am and txt OW at 5:21.....yayyyy I should feel so special he text me first

He wasn't gonna come home until Sunday night and there was no way I could wait to confront him. So I txt him saying that it was funny that he was just so tired last night at 10 that we had to gy off the phone but he continues txt and calls to this number until midnight.

His first response: why the hell are you looking at my phone log......WOW.

anyways he comes out and tells me that it's nothing serious just an old married lady that he talks to that gives him marriage advice. Bahahahahahaha he so sorry he's so stupid what has he done yada yada same thing I'm sure most of us hear.

Turns out she is only 32 and married with 2 children and their conversations have been about wayyyyy morethan my marriage. It was about how much they loved each other and wanted to meet up somehow ( she lives 10 hours away)

He went NC immediately. I txt her and she had the balls to say to me "do worries it was all talk nothin physical and he's all yours!!!!" WHAT??????

Anyways to make a long story short he came home is doing all the right things and we've been to MC.

There's so much more to the story but this is about all I can handle at this time

I'm so lost and hurt and confused even 3 months out

And by the way I found out about all this 2 days before the start of my last semester in college!

I'm sorry this was so long but it felt good to be able to get a little bit out. I think I'm still in shock........

Freebygrace posted 4/6/2014 11:26 AM

I am sorry you are dealing with this. But I'm glad you found this site. The people here have been so great.

Have you told the woman's husband? He needs to know about his wife's habit of texting other men. The best way to put an end to it is to tell the other spouse.

Also, how did he meet her? It seems weird that they have a connection and she lives so far away ( but thankfully far so it didn't get to PA).

Is he being remorseful now? How is the counseling going?

It takes a long time to rebuild trust, but it seems like you two have a strong core of love to build from. I also thought my marriage was gong along just fine when my Wh had the A. It is such a shocker. And those memories never seem to fade. It's weird how I can't remember what I did last month, but I can remember the sweater my Wh wore when he left the house one night to see the OW. But you can get past it. Yes, I remember things, but there are also good memories of being with him after DDAY.

Hang in there. It's a long road, but you can work through it.

SoTired011114 posted 4/6/2014 11:54 AM

I'm sorry for leaving out details about how they started talking.

He "met" her through an app called Tango.... It's video chat and texting. We downloaded this app together a while before DDay, since he was gone for a week at a time we would use that app for us to have face to face time and he could talk and interact with the kids. This form of contact was just another blow because we downloaded to talk with each other. Never would I have though he would use it to ruin our marriage.
And then blame everything on me!!!!

I did try and contact her husband through Facebook but the messages are still unread.

Also my husband told me about a time that OW was bitching because her husband had put a gps tracking system on her phone so that shows that she has a history of this....why would my husband risk our life and marriage for someone like that.

He is extremely remorseful. Has been since day one. He says it just like Shirley glass does in "not just friends" he said it was like a switch went off in his head as soon as he knew I found out like what the hell have I done??? He says he compartmentalized everything and just tried not to think of the guilt. He says now that he ant even believe that that was his life for that period of time. He swears up and down that she didn't mean anything to him he just like the attention and nice words from her that he wasn't getting from me.

MC has been good he is trying to open up but he doesn't see the need for IC which I am strongly encouraging him to do.

I just don't know how to move on....we had the weeks of hysterical bonding and that was great.....I couldn't get enough of him. Now it seems like life has resumed as it was before and I still cry myself to sleep every night.

lovehimbutscared posted 4/6/2014 20:26 PM

I am sorry you are here. My situation is similar, no kids or marriage, but ea hurts just the same.
I understand how you are feeling. That is good that he is remorseful, I am struggling with that and transparency issues.
It really hurts to hear that they need attention and nice words from other women. It's like we are not able to go through anything, not only do we have to deal with our stuff, but treat them like usual and be mind readers.
Just wanted you to know that I am not even a month in, and I am upset everyday. I decided tonight while walking my dog, that I have got to think of myself now, which is what I've been trying to do..the day will come for us, and we will know what to do:) xoxo

Skan posted 4/6/2014 20:37 PM

Hey there. I am SO glad that you found us for support. I think that, given your WHs work, you're going to need a group of people that you can talk to, while he's away. Even if he's on a pretty much self-contained island.

I assume since you've been lurking for so long that you have read The Healing Library (in the upper left corner in the yellow box) and have read most of the posts in this forum with the red "target" next to them. If not, please do so as it will help you a lot.

I don't care how remorseful he is and how much he is doing the work since DDay, you are still going to be cycling repeatedly and rapidly up and down on the rollercoaster from hell. I'm tickled that the light went off and I hope that he has read Glass. MC sounds like a great thing for both of you. BUT, and it's a big but, MC is counseling for the marriage. Your MC is seeing the two of you to help you keep the marriage together. That's wonderful and I certainly give my MC a HUGE amount of credit for helping us. But our MC did not help my FWH to figure out what the shit was, that he gave into and allowed to take over his life, that took him down the pathway where he sought outside intimacy from our marriage and put his dick into someone else. Blunt, but there it is. His IC got him to face up to those issues and develop coping strategies and new habits so that he (please God) never goes there again. MC worked with the two of us. IC worked with him. IMO, you need to insist, as part of your healthy boundaries, that he go to IC as well.

If a NC letter has not been sent, then one should be prepared and sent to the OW. And it would be worth the money to me to hire a PI to find the OWs BH and carry the evidence to him so that he has the chance to know what's going on in his marriage. Facebook is fine for a lot of things, but as an example, I am one person on facebook that only checks about 1x a month for updates and doesn't hope my message file more than 1-2x a year.

(((hugs))) Come back often for support. We are all here for you.

Wytuka posted 4/7/2014 03:06 AM

I'm just going to offer you some (((hugs))) since I don't know what else to say. I'm a stranger to all this stuff myself. Sitting here on SI at 3am because I can't sleep.

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