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BS drinking to deal

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Springanew posted 4/6/2014 13:24 PM

Anyone else dealing with this? BH has always enjoyed his beer..every fri, sat, sun..a lot of them. Now since day...March 17---- and especially the last week it's made the drinking even worse. It's his escape. Oddly, it also makes for some of our best communication. But I don't want him to drown everything in the drink. I am not sure if I should give him the space or try to intervene..which would really just be me nagging and him drinking more. It feels so lonely.... That is part of the problem in the M. Btw- My indiscretion was one night out at a bar that led to a few kisses..not making just..just a flirtation that had some kisses.
changing this sentence to what it really should read: I had a night of betrayal when I got drunk at a bar and was inappropriately flirting that led to some kissing.
Any advice on how to deal with a bS drinking would be appreciated. Our first MC is Tuesday so hopefully that will help.

[This message edited by Springanew at 12:00 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/6/2014 15:17 PM

Hi Spring, if a little escapism helps BS cope, and he's not DUI or drinking on the job, or flying into violent booze-fueled rages at you, then short-term I'm not seeing a problem with it.

What's concerning me is your minimizing of your infidelity. There are WS here who "just" had email/online affairs. Are their spouses "less betrayed" that mine? You hurt your BH terribly. It took me a long time to *truly get* that.

That is part of the problem in the M.

Are you implying that this M problem may have contributed to your decision to "not make out" with bar dude? If you are, you'd be in very good company among newer WW here on SI. Most of us, at least subtly, initially, blamed the M or our BH's behavior *at least in part* for our infidelity. But that is so wrong, and as long as you have that attitude, you're going to continue hurting your BH. For a successful R, you need to accept that it was solely and completely you and your poor coping skills, that caused you to cheat.

And, quit with the language that gives the appearance that you're minimizing what you did.

Springanew posted 4/7/2014 10:15 AM

Wow 20wrongs-
thanks for your very unhelpful response and for making insinuations. I read your response to another post- 'at what point does the WS needs count?' and it was much more thoughtful. In my eyes- this was basically asking the same question. AT what point is blindly getting oneself intoxicated to avoid the pain and continue neglecting the BS ok ? maybe I should have been more descript in my post but that's just how much I accept my H's drinking and try not to be judgmental about it. And why do you think i'm minimzing my betrayal???.. because I used the word 'just'. Facts are facts. it was the only way to state the act of the betrayal. Take out the word just- does that make it any better? I have in no way minimilized my behavior or the hurt it casued my H- nor have I compared it to any other form of betrayal. (you, however did). Betrayal is betrayal. I also did not in any way insinuate blame on H's drinking as an excuse for my betrayal. Again- you did that all on your own. By merely stating that it is one of the problems in the M is again- a fact- to better point out to anyone who might wish to respond with the fact that he drinks and it is not an isolated thing bc of my actions- but rather is now worse. If I wanted input on whether one's drinking can cause acts of infidelity- I would have written that in my post. If I wanted an opinion on whether my betrayal was any lesser of an act of selfishness and extremely hurtful bc it was kissing rather than sex- then I would have asked that. Thank you for unnecessarily reading between the lines and not even really addressing my question. Your repsonse to 'when is a WS need count' however was way more helpful. I also believe I asked if anyone has dealt with this before.. of which you did not seem to offer anything in the way of if you had dealt with anything of this nature.

splitintwo posted 4/7/2014 10:59 AM

When I read this, I saw it as either BS self-medicating or BS is an alcoholic. The drinking may be worse now, but what you're describing as the "before" is just as bad. I do have experience with dealing with alcoholics as well as those that use alcohol to treat an underlying mental issue. I'm well aware of how tempting it is to ignore the drinking as it leads to the chattiness, but the behavior you're describing is problematic, betrayal or no.

Wayflost posted 4/7/2014 11:14 AM


My BH initially dove head on into drinking for drowning out the bad feelings. Actually, I think it was more his effort to find a way to sleep. When it got to a point where I was worried about his health and safety I brought it up with our MC.

I feel two ways about my approach. On the one hand I am conflict avoidant. I don't address issues that bother me because I don't want to fight. Additionally I'm still struggling with believing that post d-day I have any rights to set boundaries or expectations. So taking the issue up with our MC was a cop-out. I did not break my pattern by bringing it to my BH. On the other hand, I did not ignore my concern. I did bring it up. I will know that I've made significant progress in healing myself when I can bring my concerns straight to my BH without any middle men.

I don't know if you and your BS are in counseling, but that was a really good venue for me to bring up my concern. My BS is also a member here and he read everything in the healing library. Other BS here encouraged him to stay sober drink lots of water, exercise, meditate, eat healthily, and work on getting sleep if possible. He didn't change his pattern until he was ready, but at least he heard that I cared.

As an aside: this is not an attack, but what struck me the most in your post was the minimizing. Believe me, I know how hard it is to see or accept it in yourself. I'm still struggling with it. The 2x4's I received here were hard to take. But when I go back and read the comments I got at the beginning, specifically the ones I liked the least, they were comments I really needed.

Please stick around and take the 2x4's. I know it's hard, I still hate them. But they are well meaning, and remember, we've all BTDT.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/7/2014 11:44 AM

A wise FWW once said, if something strikes a nerve, it's probably worth a second look. Evidently I'm not alone in characterizing your words as minimizing. But don't worry, I won't risk offending you again.

Springanew posted 4/7/2014 11:49 AM

SplitinTwo and Wayflost-
thank you very much for your posts and advice.
Just to make the record clear for anyone responding... trust me when i say there is nothing i deem small about my actions. There was no intent to minimize- by stating what my betrayal was- I merely want to paint an accurate as possible picture as possible. I never said 'just kissing',... I did say 'just flirting' which was my error. A drink kiss that was led on by me by inappropriately flirting with someone a bar. I do feel it is necessary to differitiate beween tongue or no tongue but again, I am not minimalizing. When I talk with my H- I have nothing but remorse and talk about my actions as full on inappropriate, disrespectful to him and our M, and plain out disgusting. I never once say 'is was just kissing'. If he asks for facts or timeline I tell the full story.. but never do I minimize. I have nothing but disgust and hatred and self loathing for myself which I am learning is in part why this happened. Not bc of his drinking.. but bc of how I feel about myself. Nothing I did that night is bc of him or our M but rather bc of who I am which I know has to change no matter what our future holds.

Springanew posted 4/7/2014 11:57 AM

and 20wrongs... that's funny... i thought the SAME thing about your initial response. your response was of an attacking nature (unlike Wayflosts which was of a helpful and constructive nature).. yours came across bitter and quite frankly like you were taking it personally bc you are still dealing with your own actions and couldn't stand the fact that someone stated their own betrayal as kissing. I never implied it was a lesser evil or betrayal than any other act. you did. I don't mind 2X4 when a) the person doesn't put words in my mouth and b) when they are actually helpful.

RightTrack posted 4/7/2014 22:16 PM

This is me too. I have so much anxiety over his affair that I've gotten into the habit of two glasses of wine a night. For a while it was every night, now I'm trying to substitute green tea. What starts as a harmless way to calm down may turn in to an unhealthy habit. Maybe you could recommend a walk or coffee or some other evening ritual?

Unagie posted 4/7/2014 22:44 PM

Springanew I can relay two different experiences. Before my A I was very depressed but never acknowledged it. I began to drink heavily for about year or so. Not all the time and not in front of xSO but when out with friends and with the person who eventually became AP I drank....a lot. After my confession I stopped drinking and have not touched it since even after his A's because I learned self medication through alcohol is no way to deal with something.

After my confession my xSO began drinking. He'd go out multiple times a week and would drink way more the he ever did. My concern grew and I didn't know how to approach it. I finally did say something and yes he lashed out but he also slowed down. Not sure if it was because I said something or because he was tired of it.

Point is I've been on both sides. My advice is to say something, voice your concerns and then let it go. This must be his decision.

Lilypad posted 4/8/2014 04:08 AM

if a little escapism helps BS cope, and he's not DUI or drinking on the job, or flying into violent booze-fueled rages at you, then short-term I'm not seeing a problem with it.

Not all people with drinking problems behave this way.

I'm an alcoholic and I had none of those things. Never had a DUI, never drank while working, or flew into violent rages.

There is concern when one is using drinking to escape reality. Lots of us start out by using booze to escape reality, I know I did.

Not saying he is an alcoholic or has a problem, but it can be a red flag and can be cause for concern. Nothing wrong with addressing this issue during MC.

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