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So WH and I did go to the tournament yesterday and I felt like I handled everything pretty good while I was there. Even the place we were at was a trigger because they had done stuff there. I had a fantastic time, seeing her didn't hurt as much as I thought. I find her pathetic, which she proved by sending him a PM that WH didn't see until this morning and showed it to me immediately. I made up with friends that I cut off right after DDay. All was good, but I did have some drinks too, probably not smart at all. All in all it was good time while we were there.

Now for the ride home, I freaked out. I got so mean with WH. He had to pull over and tell me to get ahold of myself and we would talk when we got home. I locked him out of the house when he took the dog out, I did let him in after only a few minutes. I locked him out if the bedroom and told him I hated him with every fiber if my being. I can't get myself out if bed today. I am so depressed I just want to give up.

I know that some of this is from drinking, but not all of it. I have blacked out in anger twice in my life. Instant blackout, and it happened again. WH today asked if maybe I drank enough to black out but the only part I don't remember is after making the decision that I was going to give him all the pain he gave me (only with words) and I remember everything after that. I remember cooking myself dinner and watching tv in bed. I remember what happened on the show I was watching. I don't remember the meanest if mean tongue lashing I gave him for 20 minutes.

I know about drinking, I shouldn't have done it, and I don't drink often. The question is really the complete turn on him after handling everything so well. I never even had a panic attack, he did have a bad one before we got there. I was thinking oh this is cute I am comforting him in a parking lot he had sex with her in, right before we go in and confront the fact that we will have to see her sometimes.

My first thought is if I hate him that bad down deep, why am I trying to R. I don't cry at all when I picture my life divorced, I cry and get overwhelmed when I picture the long road of R.

You crossed over to the dark side, but you don't have to live there. I've been to the dark side too. It isn't who you are, not really. Don't make decisions based on that.

Breezy, your D-Day is so so recent. Don't beat yourself up, I triggered for years (still do on occasion), and I raged, never held back once. I personally think it is a good thing that your WH witnessed the emotional state you are in, it helps him to understand how deep the wound is. Do not sugarcoat your emotions. Ever.

I do suggest you control your alcohol intake, I think many of us here tried to self-medicate at times after D-Day, not a good idea under any circumstances.

Always keep in mind anger masks pain. Your wound is still bleeding, it will begin to scab over with time.

((((Hugs))))

I don't cry at all when I picture my life divorced, I cry and get overwhelmed when I picture the long road of R.

(((Breezy)))

I think you may have answered your own question.

I don't cry at all when I picture my life divorced, I cry and get overwhelmed when I picture the long road of R.

I could have written this myself. It makes me sad to think of saying "Good-Bye" to 18 years of marriage but it was his choice, not mine. I am blessed that it wasn't a PA but the emotional trauma of his EA is excruciating. 4+ months in and I am still a hot mess. When I think about moving forward if I decide on divorce it just makes me sad that it turned out this way. I don't cry though.

Thank you all. I am a very low key, quiet, non confrontational person. You guys probably don't believe that because I vent like a banshee on here. Lol.

My IC keeps saying it is normal for my personality type to jump to divorce but she also sees a part of me that wants R. She says it is a good idea to stay with the six month timeline before deciding. I crave safety and security above everything else so my brain can't comprehend yet that he may be able to be the person I need.

I am not holding back anymore because obviously it just builds up, and comes spewing out in word vomit. he has done so many good things and then I just get more mad, because it's too late in my book.

I just want off the roller coaster and D is quicker than R.

You made it through. You maintained your dignity. You dealt with your righteous anger without hurting anyone. I'd say you did a fine job.

Many people, including my IC, have told me that at some point you will "just know" what the right road is. It sounds like your gut is beginning to make a decision, but there is no shame in taking as long as you need to be sure it is the right one for you.

Just breathe.

Thank you krispy47 that is exactly what I needed to hear.

Never apologize for being driven to the breaking point when you've been done dirty by the one person in this world you should be able to trust. He deserved every single thing he got that night - and THEN some.

He's lucky you didn't kick his ass to the curb and throw his crap out after him in garbage bags.

I'm one of the folks here who chose to leave and don't regret it for a single, solitary SECOND.

I just want off the roller coaster and D is quicker than R.

In a sense, yes.. but if your too hasty in that you may spend the rest of your life wondering "what if"..... do whats right for you... when the time is right.

Thank you for the replies, I don't think I would ever wonder "what if" even if it ends in D. My IC had me do a timeline of bad things in our marriage and I see now that our happy marriage was just a fairy tale I kept in my heart. This is the first PA but along the lines there were others that at least bordered on EA. I have always been the caretaker and when I needed taken care of he was never around. My sisters and my mom and friends had to do it because he was "busy" with work.

I have gone through surgeries, rape, murder and sickness alone because he is a workaholic that only values things. He is doing most things right these days but I think it is more about his fear of losing than about keeping me. I am slowly losing the respect of my children because they want me to D him so bad. I guess they saw the emotional abuse long before I did.

Should be an interesting day in IC tomorrow, my blinders are off.