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When is it ever gonna be enough?

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SoTired011114 posted 4/6/2014 17:40 PM

3 months out from DDay and WH is doing everything he should be....NC, MC, complete transparency, changed his phone number, remorseful, affectionate, everything that he can do to show me that he loves me and is truly sorry for what he's done to me.

But it's just not enough and I feel guilty. I always feel like he can do better. Maybe he can't because he's already doing everything possible. Sometimes everything is good then I just look at him and want to rip his damn head off!

When am I going to realize that this is going to be as good as it can get and be fine with it. Hell I don't even know what I'm expecting of him. Sometimes I even wish that we could go back to hysterical bonding time when I just couldn't get enough of him. I felt so much love and compassion from him and I wanted to give it all back, and I did. But now sometimes it's hard to even look at him.

Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhh whhhhyyyyyy?!?!?!?
I'm falling apart today........

Jls0320 posted 4/6/2014 17:43 PM

I feel the same way and also have no idea what I want from him, can't put it into words. We are both only a few months out so maybe as time goes on it will get better, I hope.

justinpaintoday posted 4/6/2014 18:00 PM

I hope u will b patient with urselves as u navigate R. I am envious to some extent. My WW refused tranpatency, Ic everything. I the shame of the incident was too much for her to handle. She wanted to rugsweep and it killed the M. At least today u have hope. Gove urself all the time you need to heal. At least you have someone willing to try and make amemds. B encouraged

SoTired011114 posted 4/6/2014 18:47 PM

Justinpain, I'm so sorry your WW wasn't able to try and R. I am very thankful for how understanding and empathetic he has been to everything. I guess I just feel very entitled to everything I know I deserve . I am trying to be patient but it's just so hard to look at him knowing everything he has done and just accept everything for how it is. Idk I'm just rambling now....today just sucks

Breezy150 posted 4/6/2014 18:52 PM

I feel the exact same way. I feel like at the end of six months I promised him I will still feel like its a deal breaker for me. It will never be enough for me because you can't fix a deal breaker.

SoTired011114 posted 4/6/2014 19:22 PM

Yes breezy, that's it!!!! Cheating, I swore would be a deal breaker, and you can't fix that. That's my problem. I promised him 3 months and it's down to the wire. I am still committed to R but just waiting for this to get easier......

Deanna posted 4/6/2014 19:25 PM

It's not really "when is it ever going to be enough". My husband would say that to me all the time. He would get so frustrated because he was doing everything, told me things about the affair I would never find out & was treating me like a princess. Then one day I thought to myself, when will it be enough? I realized it wasn't about him it was about me. He was doing enough but he couldn't do the one thing I wanted him to do, make the affair never happen. He couldn't take away my pain.

JT4588 posted 4/6/2014 20:33 PM

It's not really "when is it ever going to be enough". My husband would say that to me all the time. He would get so frustrated because he was doing everything, told me things about the affair I would never find out & was treating me like a princess. Then one day I thought to myself, when will it be enough? I realized it wasn't about him it was about me. He was doing enough but he couldn't do the one thing I wanted him to do, make the affair never happen. He couldn't take away my pain.

Deanna, you are several years post DDay. Can you tell me how you have coped? How have you made it since you realized that he couldn't do the things you needed: to make the affair never happen and to take away your pain? Do you trust him now? Do you believe things he tells you, etc?

I've told my husband when he has asked how to fix this mess, "You can't fix it. It's done - the damage is done. I will forever remember what you did; I will never look at you the same or feel the same about you."

Deanna, how in the world did you get past this?

NoMorDeceit posted 4/6/2014 21:44 PM

Five years ago today I found out about my husband's first affair...throughout the next week I would find out about several more including a LTA that spanned while we dated throughout out our whole marriage. I posted an update down in reconciliation tonight. We did reconcile, but it has taken the whole 5 years. The white hot searing pain of finding out does fade in time. R is a long painful road..and many times I felt it wasn't enough, but there really wasn't anymore he could do, but let me work through that piece. I had an instantly remorseful spouse, he has been a model former WS. He has done everything right from that first night on.

Today was a non-event, we acknolwedged it the way you might note some past event with nostalgia, but didn't dwell on it and our now normal life went forward. There is hope...but it takes a long, long time. I would never blame anyone who chose to D over R. Three months is a very recent D-Day, it was a year and half before I wasn't consumed every second of every day by it. I was still shell-shocked at three months out.

UneasyFeelings posted 4/7/2014 00:34 AM

Wow, our story and feelings are so similar! In 10 days, it will be 3 months from DDay for me.

SoTired011114 posted 4/7/2014 20:33 PM

((((((Uneasy))))))) this is such a stressful time.....being as early from DDay as we are it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Nomordeciet: how wonderful that you have made it so far.....so happy for you! Can't wait to get there

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