Well.. I am actively doing EMDR on things I can remember and it has helped me a lot. I will talk to the therapist I'm working with about the subject of stuff that I can't remember. I'm willing to keep fishing stuff out and processing it as long as I can find stuff because it seems to really help me.
So what happened is that my dad and my mom and my two sisters were at the breakfast table. I don't know what the context was other than that. Obviously some sort of heated conversation had occurred or maybe my dad just got upset at something. I don't know. Anyway, he ends up putting a gun on the table and asking my mom to shoot him. I suspect he didn't mean it seriously, he just meant it to be dramatic. Don't know. Either way it's really messed up.
I feel very sorry for my past self, but it's hard to feel directly affected by it because I can't remember it. I do feel very disturbed by remembering the general climate of my childhood though. I was terrified of my dad a lot of the time and I don't think it was because of violence. Mostly that he was very intense and emotionally abusive and paranoid and not entirely sane and extremely intelligent. He used that intelligence in very bad ways.
I have already done another target involving a gun and my dad and that one has made a huge difference in me being able to stand up for myself. Basically I was around 17 and I was attempting to stand up for myself verbally, and at the time he carried a gun around all the time (supposedly for self defense). As it progressed he just got more and more upset and something inside me suddenly saw the gun as a huge threat (gee I wonder why now...) and I backed off really quickly. I was so scared that he was going to shoot me that I was in tears. Anyway, we did three sessions on that one and it's helped me a huge amount. I just have trouble remembering many specific things.
I did at least one or two or three targets on my dad when we were working on my depression about seven years ago. (I had severe depression after I left for college and was in college for about a year, and it didn't go away, no matter what meds I used, until I started doing EMDR.) Strangely enough I don't remember what the targets were now.
[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 9:31 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]