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I filed, now I want to wait. Maybe.

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Nomorestrength posted 4/6/2014 21:23 PM

My attorney filed the complaint, and I gave to WH. He has this week to respond/acknowledge. I have not yet sent him settlement papers, child support, or parenting plan.

I'm in no way dropping this, but I'm due with our first child in early June, 2 months away. I know this will not be settled by then (may not even be a possibility until baby is born anyway to do CS), and WH is begging me to try to work on things.

I have been fairly sick the last few months, having a second surgery last week for kidney stones. The stress doesn't help, and all the lawyer stuff stresses me out. Honestly I know part of it is that I don't want to D, but I will if he doesn't do what is necessary.

My question is, if I decide to put things on hold, how does that work since the complaint has been filed with my county court? WH would like me to withdraw, but I don't want to do that because I don't truly believe his words will translate into required actions for R.

I have already gone through more than my initial retainer, plus my medical bills have totaled more than $4k the last few months, plus my sweet dog had a $3500 back surgery last week. Plus all the baby stuff I've bought - all of this is in the settlement for WH to pay half.

I don't want to keep wasting money on attorney fees, but I also don't know if I'm 100% ready to continue. I need to get husband to pay his share, but in the grand scheme of things I need to concentrate on being healthy the next couple months to ensure I don't have this baby too early.

He knows I'm vulnerable right now, so I just want to know if I can pick this back up easily if I need to. I won't let him take advantage financially of me like he has done in the past, nor will I settle for rugsweeping, but I just don't want to make the wrong decision. This baby girl deserves 2 parents in her home.

Any insight on putting this on hold? I know is I send my attorney the question, they'll answer - but that will be a $100 email. Ugh.

Gemini71 posted 4/6/2014 22:37 PM

Do NOT Withdraw! Hubby still has to respond/acknowledge. It's worth the $100 email to ask your lawyer to just put things on hold for now.

Give your WH your list of requirements for R if you haven't already. He has two months until the baby is born to SHOW you he's serious. Words are cheap. Actions are what count.

“Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nomorestrength posted 4/6/2014 22:48 PM

Thanks for the encouragement. You're right. If he says "withdraw your complaint and I'll send NC letter" then I just need to tell him to shove it. He's an attorney himself, plus super paranoid (I have told him I will out both of them to everyone, she could lose her job because she helped him get company discounts), so he's worried about incriminating himself.

timeagain posted 4/6/2014 22:57 PM

I know what you are going through. I was there and it's so hard to think while you are pregnant, at least about the future. Well, it was for me.

Actions, not words are important here. I would recommend you stop listening to him, and start watching what he does. Is he showing remorse, is he in IC, is he putting in 200%? Or is he just talking?

Heal&Deal posted 4/6/2014 23:05 PM

I found out my XH had cheated while I was pregnant about 6 months after my only child was born. Even then, having a young child complicated things. I was damn tired - DS did not sleep through the night until he was over a year old. My hormones took some time to settle out. And...I was devastated at the loss of my marriage and of the family unit I wanted for my sweet baby. Decisiveness and categorical action did not exactly characterize those months of trudging toward D. I was all over the place.

My XH did not want a D (unfortunately he really did not want monogomy either), so he drug his feet. Ultimately it took 18 months to get the thing done. hindsight, I needed that time.

You have a lot on your plate. You do not have to run full speed toward D. Take your time. Take care of you and your baby. This is what is important. When you make it to the other side of this mess, no matter which direction you go, the end result will not be as important as caring for yourself is right now.

Timelines can be different in each state. Email your attorney and find an option that is at a pace that you are comfortable with financially and emotionally.

Nomorestrength posted 4/6/2014 23:19 PM

He started IC, but I'm not sure he goes regularly (I've gotten a new IC and I don't ask). I really don't know how remorseful he is. He says he's very sorry for the last few months of hell I've been through, but still won't admit she's more than a really close friend. I think he's embarrassed because she's 10 years older and very unattractive so he may never admit more. He's got extreme pride and FOO issues.

I've told him his words mean nothing to me at this point, but I don't know if he is truly capable of selfless actions required to R. I sent him the link to the "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" book, but I refuse to hold his hand to fix his mess.

I just need to remind myself all the crap he's done and all he's NOT doing to fix it, and quit letting him pull at my vulnerable heart strings when it comes to being a family for the baby. He drops of flowers and gifts (these are the actions he thinks I'm talking about I think), but I think he probably still has contact with OW.

Time will tell. I believe in forgiveness but I refuse to let him cake eat with me anymore. I just don't know if his intentions are true, or all about avoiding the stigma of your pregnant wife divorcing you and having to pay some money.

Catwoman posted 4/7/2014 04:22 AM

I would get temporary orders and then ask your attorney to wait. His colors will show soon enough, and by having temporary orders, you have the power of the court to protect you if he decides to do stupid stuff, like stop paying child support.

I would NOT withdraw the complaint.


WeepingBuddhist posted 4/7/2014 09:43 AM

so he's still in contact with his AP??? Nomore, I wish you nothing but the best; it doesn't sound as though your child deserves that kind of person in his/her home any more than you do.

justinpaintoday posted 4/7/2014 09:48 AM

My attorney told me that you can delay filings beyond the normal waiting. You just have to file something with the court. Of course there's a charge is all attorney things are.

Your number one priority is relaxing and taking care of yourself and your soon to be here babe. I can't even imagine how much stress is going on inside of you. I hate to say this but you may have to compartmentalize a little bit until after the babies born in order to keep him or her health. I would definitely go to your doctor to see if there's any meds you can take to help you relax it will not harm the baby. Meditation might be good. Walking.

one2ndchance posted 4/7/2014 10:03 AM

I won't let him take advantage financially of me like he has done in the past

You may want to have temporary child and spousal support ordered first before you put everything on hold. You want to make sure he's held financially responsible.

I really don't know how remorseful he is.

If you don't know, then he isn't remorseful enough.

Nomorestrength posted 4/7/2014 10:53 AM

This is all great information, thank you so much. I will look into temporary order. I really don't think he's remorseful enough. I'm not letting him move back like he wants, until I see genuine remorse, transparency (which will be a struggle for him), NC, and counseling. I have a great support network and I don't need him. I just need to really be strong because he knows he can suck me back in because of the baby. I have no idea if he still sees her or talks to her because I hardly see him. He hates living at his parents, so that's why I know he would rather go to her place. I don't have the energy to follow him. He wrote a NC email, but I'm not sure it was sent because he wouldn't forward it to me. Plus, I know he saw her after that because he told me they met for dinner to talk about the end of their "friendship."

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/7/2014 13:32 PM

oh, (((nomore))) I can hear your sadness and your hope. Take care of yourself and your baby. It must feel overwhelming right now.

Nomorestrength posted 4/7/2014 20:28 PM

Yeah, I don't know how many times I've thought all hope is gone, said I was completely done, then allow just his empty words to second guess my choices. So tired of all of it.

WeepingBuddhist posted 4/8/2014 14:35 PM

Be kind to yourself. If he shows through his actions that he wants to R, then you can decide. Right now, his actions say he want to eat cake.

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