SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

tryin2bhappy posted 4/6/2014 22:31 PM

So I got on tonight because Im having a difficult time moving forward and not thinking about my x. Mainly on the weekends or when something triggers memories. But as I was updating my story on my profile, I realized I deserve better. The problem is I don't know how to stop missing him (him, not the actions)and missing being married in ignorant bliss. I also hate being a single mother now that he moved back to his hometown, I assume, and hasn't done anything or been involved in a year.
I miss parts of my old life. Not the lying, cheating or arguing, but the fun times. I wonder if I'll ever truly meet the person for me. I havent dated this year and said I wanted to wait the entire year out, but Im finding Im getting pretty lonely which makes me revert back to thinking about him. How do I know if Im ready to date? I'm not looking for a relationship but some companionship would be wonderful

[This message edited by tryin2bhappy at 10:41 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]

abigailadams posted 4/6/2014 23:51 PM

I am on tonight for the same reasons you are. I miss as you wrote being married in ignorant bliss. I too hate being a single mother. We just moved out of the martial home three weeks ago. Tonight the smoke alarm when off for no reason and I had to rip it out of the ceiling and just so wanted not even someone else to do this but another adult to laugh about this with.

I don't think I am really rid of the anger enough to be ready to date but I would love the confirmation of some male attention. I would love the distraction. I would love some companionship too.

Good luck if you do decide to make some forays into dating.

Caretaker1 posted 4/7/2014 04:58 AM

I'm in the same boat. Want companionship as she is near getting engaged to AP and blending families already. Once the D is finalized it will take me time but in the meantime I stay busy, grieve still one year out, still have anger, IC, Divorce Care with the church, eat right. It' was an awful last few years and the mounting debt and stress continue. Releasing it , but realize at my core, this is not me. Often it seems 2 steps forward and 3 back. I am introspective and realize my part in this, but she is not the type. The aftermath is sharing children at the moment. Children and I are in therapy, she is not.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 4:58 AM, April 7th (Monday)]

cmego posted 4/7/2014 09:15 AM

I took the SI advice of getting into therapy and figuring out who I was before I started dating. I waited a year to date, and that was probably too soon, the first relationship wasn't the healthiest. I did end it, but not after falling hard for the wrong guy.

BUT, that relationship also sharpened what I am looking for. After that, I have been a much better dater.

Start volunteering, cultivate good friendships, focus on yourself. The past is done and you can only look forward. Just keep yourself busy so the downtime isn't as painful. Join MeetUp groups in your area.

If I have a down weekend without plans (pretty rare these days…), then I make a date with myself and rent a movie I've been wanting to see, and order out my favorite food and just enjoy my life.

Dating because you are lonely isn't the answer. Create yourself a good life so that you attract a good partner. That is much more the answer.

better4me posted 4/7/2014 12:39 PM

I agree with cmego, that being ready to date isn't just about being lonely. I think you need to make your life "good" before adding someone else to the mix.

And then, when you like most of your life, I think it is perfectly okay to date without wanting a relationship (just companionship). Just be upfront in your profile (if you go the OLD route) and in your intentions and in your words to your dates. I think many people are in a similar situation, and it isn't problematic unless or until the two people have different intentions.

If you think you are, or may be ready to date, try it. Be up front with yourself and other's about your intentions. See what happens...see what you learn about yourself. If it feels like "too much" retreat for awhile...