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Heartbroken and don't know what to do

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kcrbr1210 posted 4/7/2014 07:51 AM

Hello everyone. I came here to find support, advice, and someone to talk to. My husband told me last night that he has been cheating on me for the past couple weeks. I kind of figured something was going on because he has not been his normal self. I started noticing small things that lead me to believe something was going on. That still didn't soften the blow any when he told me about it. He says he still loves me and I told him I can forgive him but it will take some time. He hasn't said that he will stop seeing her though. I can forgive him but I need to know that he wont do it again. I really don't want to lose him. We have been married 10 years and have 5 kids. What can I do to cope with this?

justinpaintoday posted 4/7/2014 07:57 AM

Hello and welcome to the club we all hate to be a member of. First of all I am so sorry you are here but glad you found this site. There are a lot of people that have come before you and will provide a ton a wisdom and advise on nevigating this incredibly painful journey.

To Start go to the Healing Library on the left (above Dr Phils head). Ther are a list of abbreviations used on this site, questions and answers you will definetely have and articles on how to work through this and either heal or part ways.

WARNING: I forgave quickly as well. Although this is noble, YOU ARE IN SHOCK. The one person you trusted more than anything has betrayed you to the core. Recovery from this is a process. You WILL go through the grieving process (all 5 steps). It will take time and lotsof pain.

Please read other posts and post often, we are here to help and have all walked this road.

kcrbr1210 posted 4/7/2014 08:11 AM

Thanks so much for the reply. As horrible as all this is, it is comforting to know that there are other people out there that know and understand what I'm going through. There is such a range of emotions that I'm having I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this also but I appreciate your words tremendously.

krispy47 posted 4/7/2014 08:22 AM

Hugs to you, kcrbr. I am so sorry that this is happening. I'm new new too -- I walked in on my cheating husband and his OW about a month ago -- so I don't have alot of wisdom or experience for you. But I will say that you have a found an incredibly useful forum on which to process the disaster that has befallen you.

I can tell you that feeling crazy if normal. We all do, at first. You are going to feel numb, enraged, hurt, broken, sad, hopeful and confused, sometimes in rapid sequence, sometimes many of these all at once. They call it the roller coaster, and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and ride it out. I have sometimes felt like I cannot breathe, but it passes. You won't feel this way forever.

Please do alot of reading on the forums and in the Healing Library. It really helps to hear from others who have survived this before us.

Also, I would suggest you NOT make any decisions about staying with your WH until after you've done some reading, and after you've had a chance to process what he has done to you and how you really feel about it.

The general consensus here is that unless he is truly remorseful and immediately stops all contact with the OW, he is probably going to continue to betray you. You deserve so much better than that.

kcrbr1210 posted 4/7/2014 08:32 AM

Wow. Hugs back to you, you definitely deserve them. I cannot imagine having to see that. I'm so sorry! I know it hurts so bad just having him tell me. Although right now I have to admit all I can think about is that other person kissing the lips that only I have kissed for the past 15 years, touching him like only I have. It is enough to make me insane. As hard as I try I can't get the image out of my head. Reading the content of this site is really helping a lot. I'm so glad I came across it.

norabird posted 4/7/2014 08:34 AM

I am so sorry. It truly is heartbreaking.

The first thing to do is just to take care of yourself. Do any small nice good things for yourself that you can, try to eat and sleep and drink water.

Next, and harder, have to lay down the law. He hasn't said he will stop seeing her? Well, he needs to decide. He cannot cake-eat, and have it both ways while sitting on the fence and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Your knowing is paramount right now--knowing that you will not settle for being a second choice, will not be disrespected, will not allow him to put you through the emotional abuse of limbo.

If he will not say he is going to stop seeing her, kick him out. If he does, he needs to send a no contact (NC) letter and then give you total transparency, with his email, phone, his whereabouts--everything. If you gut speaks up at this time, listen to it. If the OW has a husband or boyfriend, they should be told too.

You will need to see a lawyer if he is not remorseful in order to protect yourself and your children. You just cannot accept any less than you deserve--his loyalty, love, and respect. If he argues with you about what you need, or claims you drove him away, or in any way makes this about him instead of about repairing the damage to you--he is not remorseful.

It is a crushing blow but you will make it. It is not your fault and you will survive. Your husband is a fool to have betrayed you and beyond cruel and selfish to have given you this pain. Know that you are worth so much more and that his decision was all about his own brokenness.

kcrbr1210 posted 4/7/2014 09:03 AM

Thank you Norabird. You are so right. He at least needs to tell me what he wants. I cant let him keep doing this to me or our children. We deserve better than that. I do believe he is truly sorry...but then again, how can someone be sorry for something that they don't know if they are willing to stop doing. There is such a range of emotions its unbelievable. I just want to stop thinking for a minute but I cant. Thanks so much for the reply some things you said really got me thinking and helped a lot.

damnUnicorns posted 4/7/2014 11:52 AM

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope your H does stop seeing her & makes every effort to make up for this nightmare he's thrown your family into.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:52 AM, April 7th (Monday)]

Pippy posted 4/7/2014 13:43 PM

I have been a member here for a very long time and there are two things that I wish I had read when I first found out. One is this post

And the other is in the Healing Library under BS FAQ #11 about the 180.

The main thing I can promise is that you WILL survive this. Hugs.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/7/2014 14:35 PM

So sorry you have to be here. I - we - all know your pain firsthand. You've come to a terrific place for support. While I don't have much great advice right this moment, I wanted to let you know I do feel your pain and am so very sorry you're hurting. Keep posting - it does help!

justasinger posted 4/7/2014 15:52 PM

I'm sorry you have to be here too, as I'm sorry that I am. I don't really feel qualified to give any advice (I just got here today, 4APR14, and wrote up the sum of my 7 year relationship on here, and realized that there's no way I would ever tell anyone to stay here where I am, but yet I am still here. But I can tell you that if my SO had of confessed to me her A instead of denying it repeatedly (for years), I would be in a much better state than I currently am in.

Gotmegood posted 4/7/2014 16:01 PM

Here's my 2 cents: Everyone is correct in reminding you to take care of yourself. You are in shock and you are hurting. Most important right now, as the person who was supposed to do that for you is not on duty anymore. I also encourage you NOT to make WH believe you are okay in any sense, with what is going on. Make no choices, make no decisions concerning the future. You aren't in any condition to be doing so. If there is any chance that he is still involved with, and still seeing and communicating with OW, make him understand fully, that you WILL NOT accept that. You are more deserving than that. You are more valuable than that. This is something he has lost sight of. If he claims he needs more time to figure it out, then he ought to be doing his figuring in a motel room alone, not in your home/marriage that he has soiled. This is hard, because you still love him, and love and honor what you had. You will be afraid that by being a hard ass and kicking his crappy ass out, it will 'make' him go to her. But , he has already gone to her, while you were naively trusting that you still had an intact marriage. Remind him that you have value, and have morals and values, and you can not live in an unfaithful union.
Wonder what made him all of a sudden tell you?

kcrbr1210 posted 4/8/2014 08:09 AM

Thanks everyone. This site has helped a lot. It's funny how emotions change so fast. Just yesterday I was miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Today I am really mad.
Yesterday I asked him to tell me who she is. He said I don't know her and he doesn't want to tell "out of respect for her feelings" What does that mean? She knew about me.
He did tell me that he wants to work it out with me and will stop seeing her. I really hope he does. We've been through a lot together.
Gotmegood, I think he told me out of guilt. He said he was tired of trying to hide it (not that he did a good job of it anyway)
Thanks so much everyone for your responses. You guys are great. So sorry we all have to go through this hell.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 4/8/2014 08:33 AM

He did tell me that he wants to work it out with me and will stop seeing her. I really hope he does. We've been through a lot together.

What you need to do is decide what YOU plan on doing if he does not stop seeing her. I mean, the way you worded the above, it sounds like you basically will just tolerate him seeing her. Please note, you will be resigning yourself to a tremendous amount of pain going that route. Plus showing your children that you are okay with not being respected.

It sounds to me like he has no intention of ending it. The fact he wont even tell you her identify out of respect to HER feelings speaks volumes as to where his priority lies at this time -- with her.

I have a feeling you will have to walk or file to have any chance of him ending things with her.

I'm sorry he is doing this to you. But you have the power to not allow it.

painfulpast posted 4/8/2014 08:47 AM

So, out of respect for her feelings he won't say who she is?

Your H isn't remorseful. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he's not. He's more interested in protecting her than you. He cheated. HE needs to realize what he stands to lose if he isn't willing to do the work to heal, together.

Decide if you're willing to go to the grocery store and be behind OW in line, her knowing it's you, and that she had your H, and you have no idea. Are you willing to wonder if the bank teller is her? Or your hairdresser? No, I wouldn't stand for that, for a second. He can respect her feelings, or yours. You deserve to know who the threat is. What if it's your best friend? Do you want to be friends still?

He doesn't call the shots here - you do. Please, read the 180, and start. Let him know what you want - her identity, a timeline, him in IC, etc. If he won't do all of these, then start to detach, because he's going to think he's still in control. That where his head is now - he's in control and you're scared. He should be scared - damned scared! He could very well lose his wife and 5 children, and for what? Some tramp and her feelings? No, I don't think so.

Please, don't think you're 'lucky' because your H is willing to break up with his girlfriend. That isn't the case, no matter how he makes it seem like it is. What you are is betrayed, by him. He needs to do some real work if he wants his family.


hopingforhappy posted 4/8/2014 09:54 AM

"Out of respect for her feelings" could mean a lot of things. One thing that comes to mind is that she is married and does not want to risk her BH finding out (as you might tell him). As far as I am concerned, it is unacceptable for him to keep this information from you if you have asked for it--or really any information at all that you have asked for about the A. If he is seriously remorseful, he will tell you what ever you want to know. A NC letter is the bare minimum and you should have input in it and see it sent (preferably by certified mail, return receipt requested).

Please don't listen to what he has to say about wanting to stay together--watch what he is willing to do to make that happen. Yes, he will feel guilt and have a hard time doing what is needed, at least at first. Many WH do. But he needs to push through and get it done. Look for a copy of the book, "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair" It is a great road map for him to follow.

Take care of yourself and your 5 beautiful children. That will be a full time job for the foreseeable future.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 9:55 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]

lastdance posted 4/8/2014 23:00 PM

you have to remember that you cannot believe what he says,,,,,,,he lied,,,,,he cheated

please be careful.....he is protecting the other womam....she could be a friend of yours,co-worker ,prostitute ,married or a family member...

you appear to be to willing to sweep under the rug.....please remember sometimes they are just pretending until they need to know who she is.........I feel he is just biting his time until the ow gets her affairs in order and he does not want her husband to know about the affair


kcrbr1210 posted 4/9/2014 09:06 AM

You are all right and I know that. He did talk to me last night and explained exactly what happened, why he did it etc. I know there is no excuse for it, but since weve been married for 10 years I am going to give him a chance. I do love him and I know he does love me. I did tell him that until he cuts off contact with her and proves it to me I cannot forgive him. I think if he cared enough that he wanted to tell me about it then he deserves a second chance. believe me I wont allow myself to be walked on or taken advantage of anymore. its a long road that we'll just have to work through.
I know this is no excuse either but we just bought a house and a new vehicle together, so im sure he had no intentions of doing this. I know I sound so stupid to some of you but on these forums all we get are the facts...we don't really know about the persons relationship prior or either party's personality. its hard to make a good judgement n wheather things are salvageable. I think they are in my case, its just going to be a long hard road for both of us.
thanks everyone for lending an ear and sharing your wisdom.

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