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User Topic: She wants me back, but is still with OM. wtf
PRNDL
♂ 41927
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXW called me yesterday begging me to come back home and call off the divorce. She was crying like a little girl. She said we could have our future back. All I had to do was let go of the things she did. She said ghat the OM is not what she expected. Their relationship is not the same after me and her fell apart. She said she learned the error in her ways.

WTF? This pulls at my heart! I want to go home so bad! I miss her and Iove her, but what she did to me and how she did it was beyond forgivness. Im so confused now. I hate when she does this to me. It throws off my focus to move forward. It brings me back to D-day. Im seeing two IC to deal with the trauma of the 1.5 year LTA she had along with a threesome ONS with a 56 year old man and her best girl friend. They all met at a fancy hotel like call girls.

Here is a synopsis of my story:
My wife of 7 years, together 14 years, had a one year long A with an old high school friend. They reconnected via facebook. We have an 11 year old wonderful son. After D-day, one year ago, she wanted to R. I found out 6 month later the the A was still ongoing. I was in limbo for 7 months trying to R again like an idiot. It was pure torture. She treated me horrible by telling me how much better the OM was. I would cry a d beg her to stay and she would tell me "its unattractive when you cry. If She were to break it off with the OM, he wouldnt react like that. I moved out leaving her the beautiful house we built, furniture, and everything. I initiated the 180D. I, am an educated man with a great career. I did everything for her. I cooked, cleaned, cut the grass, fixed the cars, never worked long hours, and always gave her attention. I now live in a small room at my mother's house. D is pending. Looking for apartments. I also recently learned that during the LTA, about a year and 2 months ago, a girl friend of hers asked her if she wanted to do a threesome with her. The girl friend was seeing a 56 year old married mad. He was coming into town for business and asked her to bring a friend. My wife agreed. This means she even cheated on her OM.

She now claims to regret everything. She said that the OM is not long term husband material and "does his own thing". She said no one will take care of her like I did. She is still seeing him but wants me back.

I told her that in the year since D-day, she has not been able to acomplish step one of R. The absolute basic. And thats stop seeing the OM and cut off all communication. I told her that this was comparable to a woman divorcing her H due to him sneaking away to the casino all the time and gambling away all their money. Then after a separation and pending D, the H calls the W a year later from a casino while gambling and tells the W that he was wrong, has seen the error in his ways, and wants her back. This applies to everything. An alcoholic calling from a bar. A drug addict calling from a crack house. And so on....

This is where our communication hits a dead end. I tell her im divorcing her because she has been with him for two years straight until now. She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count. We go back and forth over this and argue. I hang up and my day is ruined. I almost feel as if this was her goal.

I want to move forward in my new life. As soon as I pick up momentum, she does this and I feel like in dragging and anchor. She has cycled like this for to years. I hate you, get out, i love you, dont leave. All through the affair and after until now.

This episode all started because im in the process of moving my tools out of the house while she is at work.

The last one was because I filed for D. Because I do not believe in taking back a cheater and/or R, even though I gave her a 6 month chance.

The one before that was when I moved out.

YET, in between, she still was seeing the OM. She claims they stopped having sex. Right.

Any advice. I know this is abvious but please guide me. Im torn apart.

[This message edited by PRNDL at 11:00 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


BH: 36 (me)
WS: 31 / OM: 31
Son: 12
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, your title pretty much sums up the situation. 2 is a couple, three is an A.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5832 | Registered: Nov 2007
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay the D course. Your wife has done absolutely nothing to prove she is remorseful or wants to R.

So her life is falling apart, the fantasy bubble is bursting, and all of a sudden she regrets her actions. Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. You are worth so much more than that.


Posts: 7637 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate when she does this to me. It throws off my focus to move forward. It brings me back to D-day...
She is still seeing him but wants me back...
Since D-day, she has not been able to acomplish step one of R. The absolute basic. And thats stop seeing the OM and cut off all communication...

Oh HELL no, honey. She is messing with your head. If she were serious about wanting to R, she would drop him like a hot potato and do whatever it takes to help you heal from the giant gaping wound she inflicted on you, even if that meant letting you go.

Read your own words, PRNDL. It's there in black and white. You know she is going to keep breaking your heart, and you know that you deserve better than that.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I for one, like to always play the Devil's advocate. I would tell you to do the following, and that is write down a list of boundaries and tell her she must do all of these to continue your relationship with you.
1. Stop seeing the OM 1st. NC.
2. Counseling.
3. Anything that is going to benefit R.
4. Get Tested as well.

She needs to do this and if you want it, I believe she has to prove herself. Just like my situation, my WW has to prove herself and has to be willing to do whatever it is necessary to build that trust. Doesn't mean you have to stop the Divorce. She has not right to tell you to stop, but you have every right to continue but layout it what you want and what you need if she wants to rebuild relationship for you.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, Plan B.

Stay the course.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7826 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Breezy150
♀ 42421
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be her back up plan. The timing of her outbursts says it all. She wants to keep you just enough on the line to know that plan B is still there. Continue the D, and don't let her weasel back in just because the OM is not as exciting and the fairy tale has been replaced with real life.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. She said no one will take care of her like I did. She is still seeing him but wants me back.

Me me me...that's what this is...thinking.of herself

. She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count.

What??? doesn't count??

She wants the warm and cozy you because she's not feeling the love from om. She's not owning what she did, because after all, "it doesn't count"
She's probably feeling homesick for what used to be but what has she done to figure out why? I would continue on with what your doing. You can always change your mind later if she makes a grand effort but I have a feeling, its too much work for her. Jmo of course


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo let me get this straight.
Your STBXW said:
Their relationship is not the same after me and her fell apart.

She said ghat the OM is not what she expected.

She said that the OM is not long term husband material and "does his own thing".

She said no one will take care of her like I did.

Seriously?!!
She's not remorseful. She doesn't like her current life and is looking to make you Plan B.
Do not let her!!

I don't see anywhere in your post where she's said she's willing to be open, honest, etc.
Where does she state she's willing to walk naked over hot coals to get you back? Hell, she's STILL WITH HIM!!!!

Why would you even consider this?

Please dont let her reel you back in.


(Edited because I hit submit too fast.)

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:22 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6695 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I had to do was let go of the things she did. She said ghat the OM is not what she expected. Their relationship is not the same after me and her fell apart. She said she learned the error in her ways.

Sucks to be her.

Sorry, couldn't help myself. You have a wonderful new life ahead of you. She doesn't. Now she wants more cake. Don't open the bakery. She has done nothing to show remorse.

NC= no new hurts. Text or e-mail only about kids and finances.

We are all here to help.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3181 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
coldshot
♂ 40882
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL
I have been following your story from the beginning. You are a good man. A good dad. You deserve better, and you know you do. I know (as everyone of the good folks on here also do) the pain, the doubt, the guilt. My STBXWW pulled the same stunts, cried the same crocodile tears. The unremorseful, pathetic, truly broken ones all do the same thing. It's still about her, PRNDL. Pardon my French, but Fuck Her.
Stay strong for yourself and your child.
Sending you a pm.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
KatyaCA
♀ 41528
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing in there that isn't about her. Nothing to address the hurt she's dished out to you, how her brokenness blew up her life. Only an I want what I want and I want it now and you'll do.

She is not R material at this point, not even close.

Stay your course and if you can when you do have to talk to her if she brings this up again ask her what the benefit is to you to take her back.

She is only thinking of herself.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its called hoovering. Selfish people do this. When their hot sex on the other side is not comfy cozy, yet they still want the hot sex....they call the person who "took care of them". That was you.

I know this hurts to hear and I am so sorry to say it. I know how hard it is to be the person who did everything, who was responsible, made money, took care of the house and responsibilities, you were and ARE a good man.

You must get to the point where you are not waiting for her to change. YOU are the prize, she screwed it up, she lost you. She chose what she did. She can't have both. Its magical to a WS who has both you know. Thats what they want again, they want the secret lover on the side who is their "soul mate" and they want the safe marriage and the person who takes care of them and won't upset the apple cart person who they are married to, they want it all.

Thats why she called you. Each time she does it she is hoping you bite so she can get back to having it all. Don't buy into it. YOU are the catch, she is not. She let you go.


Posts: 5698 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reality is not so great afterall when you take a course with no integrity, huh?

If she really wants you back, she will prove it with extended, remorseful actions. That is not what this is.

Keep on going PRNDL. You are almost there. You can reconcile after D if she puts her money where her mouth is.

Remember that you deserve to be someone's FIRST choice.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you enjoy being Plan B as well as her training wheels, go ahead - take her back.

She hasn't changed at all.

She wants a sucker.

That would be you.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would bet a month's salary that if you take her back with her current attitude and with these current circumstances, that she'll continue to cheat (either with the current OM or with a new one).

Nothing has changed with her other than the date on the calendar.

Please do NOT make us (SIers) come over there and duct tape you to a chair for your own good!

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:48 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6695 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said no one will take care of her like I did.

If this were a song it would be "Me, me, me, me".

Nowhere in her begging and pleading does she say anything that indicates that she cares about how she treats you. She learned the error of her ways because he doesn't bend over backward for her not because she wronged you.

You do realize that in a real marriage, two people take care of each other? One doesn't do all the taking while the other does all the giving. Cut her loose and find a woman who shares equally in the marriage in every way and you will be a happy man. Go back to her and it will be you doing while she comes up with excuses for why she had to see OM or some other guy. She hasn't done any work on herself and she isn't remorseful. She just needs a personal slave and that's completely different from a marital partner.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow what a Narcissist. Oh OM isn't making me the center of his world, what will I do???
Oh I know I will call good Ole PRNDL, he will make me feel loved, and wanted, and appreciated.

Well good old PRNDL just needs to shut that shit down. Next time let her go to VM, and if she leaves you a rambling message then hit delete the second you know it's not about finances or kids. And if for some godforsaken reason you do end up talking to her, tell her to shut up and put her money where her mouth is, if she means it she would be making the changes, and letting gyou see it. Not torturing you. She will stop when she knows she is not getting any reaction.

FTB. You deserve more. Much much more.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tearingaway
♂ 28618
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is classic cake-eating. You are borrowing trouble by remaining in this relationship.

Obviously, it's your life and you can do whatever you want, but everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing. You need to move on with your life. She doesn't want you, she just wants to use you.


Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
Tren0R201
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rubber band time.

Affix a rubber band to your wrist. Every time she calls or you have thoughts of caving, give that rubber band a good pull and let it bring you back to reality.

How honorable of her to tell you that the man she cheated with is not what she thought. Of course you'll do the right thing and let her back because that is the kind of man she thinks you are.

Twang the rubber band!

Although it may hurt and it maybe confusing, keep pressing forward.. I also suggest you not meeting up alone.If she wants her hooks in you, sex maybe brought to the table, you've made so much progress,be a shame to lose the momentum.

Keep strong dude!!


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 80
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