WTF? This pulls at my heart! I want to go home so bad! I miss her and Iove her, but what she did to me and how she did it was beyond forgivness. Im so confused now. I hate when she does this to me. It throws off my focus to move forward. It brings me back to D-day. Im seeing two IC to deal with the trauma of the 1.5 year LTA she had along with a threesome ONS with a 56 year old man and her best girl friend. They all met at a fancy hotel like call girls.
Here is a synopsis of my story:
My wife of 7 years, together 14 years, had a one year long A with an old high school friend. They reconnected via facebook. We have an 11 year old wonderful son. After D-day, one year ago, she wanted to R. I found out 6 month later the the A was still ongoing. I was in limbo for 7 months trying to R again like an idiot. It was pure torture. She treated me horrible by telling me how much better the OM was. I would cry a d beg her to stay and she would tell me "its unattractive when you cry. If She were to break it off with the OM, he wouldnt react like that. I moved out leaving her the beautiful house we built, furniture, and everything. I initiated the 180D. I, am an educated man with a great career. I did everything for her. I cooked, cleaned, cut the grass, fixed the cars, never worked long hours, and always gave her attention. I now live in a small room at my mother's house. D is pending. Looking for apartments. I also recently learned that during the LTA, about a year and 2 months ago, a girl friend of hers asked her if she wanted to do a threesome with her. The girl friend was seeing a 56 year old married mad. He was coming into town for business and asked her to bring a friend. My wife agreed. This means she even cheated on her OM.
She now claims to regret everything. She said that the OM is not long term husband material and "does his own thing". She said no one will take care of her like I did. She is still seeing him but wants me back.
I told her that in the year since D-day, she has not been able to acomplish step one of R. The absolute basic. And thats stop seeing the OM and cut off all communication. I told her that this was comparable to a woman divorcing her H due to him sneaking away to the casino all the time and gambling away all their money. Then after a separation and pending D, the H calls the W a year later from a casino while gambling and tells the W that he was wrong, has seen the error in his ways, and wants her back. This applies to everything. An alcoholic calling from a bar. A drug addict calling from a crack house. And so on....
This is where our communication hits a dead end. I tell her im divorcing her because she has been with him for two years straight until now. She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count. We go back and forth over this and argue. I hang up and my day is ruined. I almost feel as if this was her goal.
I want to move forward in my new life. As soon as I pick up momentum, she does this and I feel like in dragging and anchor. She has cycled like this for to years. I hate you, get out, i love you, dont leave. All through the affair and after until now.
This episode all started because im in the process of moving my tools out of the house while she is at work.
The last one was because I filed for D. Because I do not believe in taking back a cheater and/or R, even though I gave her a 6 month chance.
The one before that was when I moved out.
YET, in between, she still was seeing the OM. She claims they stopped having sex. Right.
Any advice. I know this is abvious but please guide me. Im torn apart.
[This message edited by PRNDL at 11:00 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
So her life is falling apart, the fantasy bubble is bursting, and all of a sudden she regrets her actions. Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. You are worth so much more than that.
I hate when she does this to me. It throws off my focus to move forward. It brings me back to D-day...
She is still seeing him but wants me back...
Since D-day, she has not been able to acomplish step one of R. The absolute basic. And thats stop seeing the OM and cut off all communication...
Oh HELL no, honey. She is messing with your head. If she were serious about wanting to R, she would drop him like a hot potato and do whatever it takes to help you heal from the giant gaping wound she inflicted on you, even if that meant letting you go.
Read your own words, PRNDL. It's there in black and white. You know she is going to keep breaking your heart, and you know that you deserve better than that.
She needs to do this and if you want it, I believe she has to prove herself. Just like my situation, my WW has to prove herself and has to be willing to do whatever it is necessary to build that trust. Doesn't mean you have to stop the Divorce. She has not right to tell you to stop, but you have every right to continue but layout it what you want and what you need if she wants to rebuild relationship for you.
Stay the course.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
. She said no one will take care of her like I did. She is still seeing him but wants me back.
. She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count.
She wants the warm and cozy you because she's not feeling the love from om. She's not owning what she did, because after all, "it doesn't count"
She's probably feeling homesick for what used to be but what has she done to figure out why? I would continue on with what your doing. You can always change your mind later if she makes a grand effort but I have a feeling, its too much work for her. Jmo of course
Their relationship is not the same after me and her fell apart.
She said ghat the OM is not what she expected.
She said that the OM is not long term husband material and "does his own thing".
She said no one will take care of her like I did.
She's not remorseful. She doesn't like her current life and is looking to make you Plan B.
Do not let her!!
I don't see anywhere in your post where she's said she's willing to be open, honest, etc.
Where does she state she's willing to walk naked over hot coals to get you back? Hell, she's STILL WITH HIM!!!!
Why would you even consider this?
Please dont let her reel you back in.
(Edited because I hit submit too fast.)
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:22 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
XWH#1 (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
DD(21), DS(19, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids - 3 dogs, 2 cats
I edit often for clarity/typos.
All I had to do was let go of the things she did. She said ghat the OM is not what she expected. Their relationship is not the same after me and her fell apart. She said she learned the error in her ways.
Sucks to be her.
Sorry, couldn't help myself. You have a wonderful new life ahead of you. She doesn't. Now she wants more cake. Don't open the bakery. She has done nothing to show remorse.
NC= no new hurts. Text or e-mail only about kids and finances.
We are all here to help.
She is not R material at this point, not even close.
Stay your course and if you can when you do have to talk to her if she brings this up again ask her what the benefit is to you to take her back.
She is only thinking of herself.
I know this hurts to hear and I am so sorry to say it. I know how hard it is to be the person who did everything, who was responsible, made money, took care of the house and responsibilities, you were and ARE a good man.
You must get to the point where you are not waiting for her to change. YOU are the prize, she screwed it up, she lost you. She chose what she did. She can't have both. Its magical to a WS who has both you know. Thats what they want again, they want the secret lover on the side who is their "soul mate" and they want the safe marriage and the person who takes care of them and won't upset the apple cart person who they are married to, they want it all.
Thats why she called you. Each time she does it she is hoping you bite so she can get back to having it all. Don't buy into it. YOU are the catch, she is not. She let you go.
If she really wants you back, she will prove it with extended, remorseful actions. That is not what this is.
Keep on going PRNDL. You are almost there. You can reconcile after D if she puts her money where her mouth is.
Remember that you deserve to be someone's FIRST choice.
She hasn't changed at all.
She wants a sucker.
That would be you.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Nothing has changed with her other than the date on the calendar.
Please do NOT make us (SIers) come over there and duct tape you to a chair for your own good!
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:48 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
If this were a song it would be "Me, me, me, me".
Nowhere in her begging and pleading does she say anything that indicates that she cares about how she treats you. She learned the error of her ways because he doesn't bend over backward for her not because she wronged you.
You do realize that in a real marriage, two people take care of each other? One doesn't do all the taking while the other does all the giving. Cut her loose and find a woman who shares equally in the marriage in every way and you will be a happy man. Go back to her and it will be you doing while she comes up with excuses for why she had to see OM or some other guy. She hasn't done any work on herself and she isn't remorseful. She just needs a personal slave and that's completely different from a marital partner.
Well good old PRNDL just needs to shut that shit down. Next time let her go to VM, and if she leaves you a rambling message then hit delete the second you know it's not about finances or kids. And if for some godforsaken reason you do end up talking to her, tell her to shut up and put her money where her mouth is, if she means it she would be making the changes, and letting gyou see it. Not torturing you. She will stop when she knows she is not getting any reaction.
FTB. You deserve more. Much much more.
Obviously, it's your life and you can do whatever you want, but everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing. You need to move on with your life. She doesn't want you, she just wants to use you.
Affix a rubber band to your wrist. Every time she calls or you have thoughts of caving, give that rubber band a good pull and let it bring you back to reality.
How honorable of her to tell you that the man she cheated with is not what she thought. Of course you'll do the right thing and let her back because that is the kind of man she thinks you are.
Twang the rubber band!
Although it may hurt and it maybe confusing, keep pressing forward.. I also suggest you not meeting up alone.If she wants her hooks in you, sex maybe brought to the table, you've made so much progress,be a shame to lose the momentum.
Keep strong dude!!