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Can't stop the emotional rollercoaster since he was served

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AlwaysBeenStrong posted 4/7/2014 11:11 AM

After 3 years of ups and downs, I finally filed divorce after he admitted to confusion between me and his "friend" (a new woman after I had taken him back after his first affair), all the while we were supposedly working on saving our marriage.

It's been over a month now since he had been served, already had our first court date and I just cannot stop the waterworks. I know in my heart we will never be again, I will never go back to the man who has done nothing but inflicted me with heartache, due to his selfishness and his midlife crisis.

I have been in therapy the whole time and truly thought I was at the acceptance phase when I filed and the month or so before he was served I never felt better about my decision and was excited to get the chance to begin my new life, alone. I actually even went on a few dates and realized I am SO not ready for that.

He is definitely in the angry stage, I really think he didn't think I would file and is now seeing how expensive it can be to get out of our lengthy marriage. I am waitressing part time and school full time, so he was ordered to pay all bills and my attorney fees. He is fighting everything, when we don't have anything to fight for except me getting alimony and his pensions. Our home is in his mother's name, so I don't even have a place to stay after the divorce.

But as I am typing this, I cannot stop crying, it seems to me that is all I do when I am alone, which is a lot. Did I revert to depression, or am I just mourning the actual death of the marriage? I really want all of this nightmare to be over and done with, so I can focus on my schooling and myself, but it seems like I am stuck in this emotional wreck lately and just want it to stop. It feels as if I am a walking emotionless zombie and just going with the flow. I want happiness but can't just seem to find it. Anyone felt this way???

norabird posted 4/7/2014 11:27 AM

I'm so sorry. I think this is a normal dip back into mourning as the end becomes real. I wish I could say something to make it better. Time and your own efforts investing in your new life and finding new avenues of happiness will help you move past this grief. Perhaps you may want to go on anti-depressants during this time to help you manage? It is absolutely normal to be drawn back into the sadness sometimes, but know that eventually you will have cried most of it out and will get back to seeing the good parts of your new future. The loss combined with the insecurity about your future may sometimes seem overwhelming, but keep moving forward and have faith in your ability to heal. Remember that there was a reason you chose your username and that you can get through this, even though it hurts.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 4/7/2014 12:49 PM

Thank you Nora, but anti's are not for me. I had been on them for years, felt even more zombified then. I am learning to just deal with my emotions and have been doing great until all the divorce proceedings have slammed me into this spell. I chose this name because I have always had to be the strong one, just not feeling it atm. I know I will be fine, I just want this to be over with.

Caretaker1 posted 4/7/2014 21:57 PM

Fasten your seat belt. You will feel some days 2 steps forward then 3 steps back. It's a terrible loss as it had impacts in every part of your life and others. The cheaters are assholes and are feeling butterflies. Grass is greener, I guess.

It will be a roller coaster and could be for years even after it's finalized. Suggestions? Drink water, exercise, rest, cry, watch or go to a comedy, seek religion if you believe, read , join a divorce care group, minimize contact with him, don't respond to angry calls, texts or emails, learn your triggers, cry some more, eat well, take vitamins.....get out in the sun....Certain teas and herbs may be calming and reduce depression....get a massage....treat yourself well.

norabird posted 4/7/2014 22:40 PM

It would be nice if there were a fast forward! I'm lucky in that I wasn't married, so no D process and not too much time lost (comparatively), but I am getting far enough out now that even though it has sucked royally I am starting to feel the growth that has come from all of this. When I used to want to skip ahead, people here would tell me that as much as it sucked, I was going to change and strengthen from it; while there was still no need for me to have this trauma, I am seeing the truth in that lately. I know it's not much consolation now, but hang in there. Sounds cheesy, but maybe take some inspiration from the season? Some of these spring days are wet and dreary (at least where I am) but I can look around and see the buds coming up and I know that the unpleasant days are just part of the journey to new life.

betrayedidiot posted 4/8/2014 05:30 AM

I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain! I have recently filed and am on the same rollercoaster. Divorce itself is a really stressful process, and it is natural to feel emotional. And yes, on top of that you are mourning the death of your marriage.

Can you focus on finding a new place to live? Starting to get your ducks in a row can be a productive distraction and help you feel more secure about the future.

I try to spend time with my friends for support, extra time with my DD to support her, and stay busy. I believe that happiness will come eventually, I just have to keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We WILL make it through this!

Dobegirl posted 4/8/2014 10:25 AM

I am right there with you. I just filed yesterday after 17 months of ups and downs. I know the D is for the best yet it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I still question if it was the right thing to do. And then I look at him, and see he is not the man I fell in love with.

I, myself has always had to be the strong one too.

It is such a rollercoaster of a ride. I have questioned my sanity in all of this. I would change my mind a gazillion times a day on if I wanted to stay or divorce. It just sucks!! It just takes time. I hate that word. As if enough time hasn't gone by already!

Sending you hugs and strength!!

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 4/9/2014 09:50 AM

Thank you everyone!

I can't focus on finding a place until I get my alimony judgment, I am only waitressing and that's not enough income to buy a cardboard box. And unfortunately not enough funds to pamper myself or go anywhere.

I hate the word time too, I wish I could just fast forward, because I have spent too much of my time on trying to fix us. I sit in this house of nightmares and it is a huge trigger. Everywhere I look, everything in here is us.

Thank goodness for this site, your words have helped me, knowing I am not alone. None of my friends have been with someone as long as I have been with my stbx, no one understands the midlife crisis and emptynesting and I have been going through years of the ups and downs, are tired of hearing me being sad. They just don't understand the destruction of affairs or why I wanted to stay.

Still having bad days, unfortunately have had to deal with him due to tax season and the divorce proceedings and I just don't want to see or talk to him ever again. That's only more chances for him to inflict pain.

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