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justasinger posted 4/7/2014 12:47 PM

So it's hasn't just come to light, but I just found this site and was unsure of where to post. I'll apologize now for the length and lack of organization of this post. I've been searching for about a year now to find a friend to talk to. I am a transplant to my current location (I came here because my SO is from here), and all my friends were her friends first. I did have one friend I could talk to, but was told by my SO that I wasn't allowed to talk to them anymore, so I've been without a 'vent' for a year now.
My SO and I met in Jan of 2007, in Oklahoma. I was in the Army and was stationed at Ft. Sill. I fell madly and deeply in love with her. We were inseparable within weeks of meeting. In May 2007, my aunt passed away and I was heading to PA for the funeral, and wanted her to come with me, but she declined the offer (not saying she shouldn't have, it would be very awkward for me to meet the family of my SO during a funeral also). The week I was gone I felt like half a person because I didn't have her with me, and decided while I was gone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I proposed to her the day I returned, and she said yes (I did of course call her father and ask his permission first, that's just the kind of guy I am). The next day, a friend of ours spoke to me and told me that my now fiancé had been spending a LOT of time with a male friend of ours, pretty much the whole time I was gone for the funeral. I confronted her about it and she assured me that nothing happened, they were just friends, and that this other friend that told me about this was just saying it because she really wanted to be with me, and thought she could have me if my SO was out of the picture. I took her words at face value, and didn't pursue or even think on the matter for almost a year.
So now it's Mar 2008, and my SO and I have our first child together. In the delivery room they are asking her questions before the delivery and they ask her if she's ever had any children before. Answer, no. They ask if she's ever had any miscarriages before, Answer, no. They ask her if she's ever had an abortion before, Answer, yes. What?¿? Ok, I've never heard this before, so it really caught me by surprise, but now really isn't the time for that discussion, she definitely doesn't need any added stress right now.
Now Apr 2008, the 'friend' from the 2007 ordeal passes away, and we have a celebration of life for him. My SO gets pretty inebriated, and is sitting at the bar talking with a female friend about the deceased. I over hear my SO say, "yea, I "F'd" him... I didn't mean to but it just happened." I was not eavesdropping or sitting with them, she just was speaking loud enough for half the bar to hear what she said... What??? Yep, she lied to me straight to my face last year, but,.... Right now is not the time. She's not even remotely sober, I'll ask her about it tomorrow when she's sober.
Tomorrow comes, and she wakes up, we talk a few minutes, and I say, "You said something last night I think we need to talk about". Long story short, she tells me she doesn't really remember sleeping with him, she only remembers waking up in bed next to him naked. She also says she was really drunk, but doesn't know how she got that way. So I ask her why she continued hanging out with him after it happened (it did happen during the week I was gone to my aunt's funeral, BTW), and she explained that she thought it was her fault. She swears there are no other indiscretions, and that it will never happen again (which is what I required of her for us to continue in our relationship).
Ok, so I have to interject here that even though I forgave her on the spot, which I believe that I did, it took me a very long time to get over the fact that she not only did it, but lied to my face about it, and everything doesn't add up in my head. During the 40 (+/-) weeks between my aunts funeral and his funeral, she would hang out at his house when I was in the field overnight. He was not the only person living there, we had another friend (a female), that was living there at the time, and she said she was hanging out with her watching movies and stuff. But oh yea, it was a long time before I got over this, years, in fact. Our second child was born in Jun of 2009, just after I left the Army (partly due to the fact that I was tired of the Army life, but mostly due to the fact that I didn't believe she could be faithful if I was sent on a deployment, and was unable to come home every day).
In the second half of 2010, we moved in with her parents in Maine while working on getting a place of our own. She and her mother don't get along well, and my SO would be gone most of the time because of it. The beginning of 2011 finds us in a house of our own (not ours, but just us as a family living there), but the time away from the house does not decrease, even after she brings in a stray (she has a cousin with a serious drug problem, and she took in her cousin's 8 year old daughter because she needed a stable home environment). I agreed to it because I thought she would be home more, but she was in fact home less. She would leave the house supposedly to run errands that would take an hour or 2, and be gone for 8-10, and sometimes not be home til the next day. Also during this time, when I was washing clothes, I smelled some very distinctive odors on several occasions. Oh, I forgot to mention that over the course of our lives together, one or the other of us was working. When it was me that was working, when I got home, she needed some "her" time, so I would let her go 'let her hair down', so to speak, to unwind from watching kids all the time. Also, Ironically, when it was her working and me at home watching kids, when she got home from work, she needed some "her" time, to unwind from work. This wasn't a daily occurrence, but it was generally at least weekly.
Ok, back to 2011. I confront her about a few things, the laundry, the miss-spoken names in bed, etc., and she emphatically denies any involvement with anyone other than me. Things still don't add up for me, but I'm the kind of guy that must have absolute proof before I flat out call someone a liar. But the thoughts are driving me nuts. I mean, I knew, but at the same time I don't know 100%. So I unwound by having a few beers here and there, not getting wasted or anything, just enough to ease the mental pictures,... most of the time anyway. So now it's October, and our house guest is visiting with her mother for the weekend, but she's forgotten her medication at the house, so I drive it across town to bring it to her. Holy crap, I'm out of the house, and without kids, all by myself even. Well hey, I'm literally 500 feet from my SO's brother's house, why don't I stop in and say hello. I'm there for 15 minutes or so, and my SO starts blowing up my phone about where am I and whatnot. I'm a bit aggravated because at this point I've probably been gone for 30 minutes total, and she leaves the house for hours and hours, and I don't give her the third degree about it. After informing her I stopped to hang out with her brother for a bit, and she's still giving me the 3rd degree, I shut the phone off, cause it's really just annoying me. So 30 minutes later, I start heading home, turn my phone back on (cause I've cooled off by this point) so I can tell her that I'm headed home now, and I'm greeted with a BUNCH of messages, the most memorable one being, "I hope that skank is worth it, you just destroyed this relationship". So that kind of set me off, I'll admit it, and I'm sure this wasn't the best course of action, but I didn't come home. I stopped and slept in the van, in a parking lot. Spent the next three days sleeping in the garage at the house, close enough to know the kids were ok, but far enough away that my SO had to be the one taking care of them.
That was the first time in a very long time that I had been out of the house for anything other than work. Ok, so now I'm rambling. Almost deleted the whole post, but then why have I wasted the past few hours writing in here? Ok, going to post this then continue in a new one so I know I will actually finish posting...

MovingUpward posted 4/7/2014 14:08 PM

Welcome to SI

I hope in writing this out that you caught a few red flags in your relationship with your SO. If not let me call something's to your attention. I feel she knows by know that if you don't have 100% proof of something that she won't get accused so her MO is to conceal things instead of behaving. I feel she also know that you won't call her on "minor" infractions but only majors. Like you'll call her on cheating but not being rude. For both cheating and disappearing for hours is just rudeness to you and your relationship. It shouldn't be tolerated.

Another is the inequality of acceptable behaviors. Your SO believe that she is held to different rules that you are which is why she blew up your phone. This is not good for a healthy relationship. Equal and balanced rules are needed.

Needing her time was also a cover that my now XW used to tied out with her affair partner. She started taking her time on the way home from work which I bet was a daily face to face meeting while I was preparing dinner and taking care of the kids. Setting how much time is needed and understanding what she needs to relax you might be able to reach an agreement that you feel comfortable that relaxing is truly what she is doing. If you need 100% proof, you don't always have to find the smoking gun. Usually you can start bounding things and a cheating person will reveal themselves in frustration or resistance. For example if your SO needs to wind down then suggest 15 minutes alone reading or resting or meditating in the bedroom. See if they buck at the idea or agree because it is sound.

So far from what I read you are being told just enough that you'll stop pushing it. It will soon become time to lay down some expectations due to her behaviors and don't allow yourself to be thrown off because you aren't 100% sure. Watch her actions. When you express fear over a possible behavior is her reaction one of helping you or is it about her pushing her perceptions and you should get over it. Cheating or not the above behavior reveals her character and attitudes toward you. If those are flawed then it creates an environment where cheating can more easily happen.

justasinger posted 4/7/2014 14:18 PM

Ok, I posted part of it so now I have no reason not to finish... Where am I... October, 2011...
So I'm not sure exactly how things got smoothed back over, I know she started it by telling me it was too cold for me to be sleeping in the non-heated garage, and that I told her exactly what I did during that hour and a half of freedom, the night she accused me of being with another woman. So anyway, can't say things got any better, but they didn't get any worse. She explained that her mother being right across the street made it hard for her to stay home (the house we were living in at the time was literally 300 feet from her parents house), but that everything would change once we had our own house. So we are going to fast forward to august, 2012.
We found and bought a house. Great place to raise the kids, lots of land, only one house visible from ours (and that house is only visible in the winter when there's no leaves on the trees). But guess what, she's still not at home... I can't believe it, can you? (I'm not being at all sarcastic here). But by this point in time, I've retreated so far back into myself I don't react to anything, I'm not stupid, I know there's stuff going on, but I'm trying to protect what's left of me at this point,... not that there is much left to protect.
So now it's new years eve, and we are going to have a party at the new house, one of the guests is a guy I'm pretty sure she's 'been with', but as I've thought this for a long time, and even point blank asked her about (his name is one that she's previously mistakenly said in bed), it's gotta be just me being paranoid, right? Nope, it's true, he 'fesses up', to me, and it comes out that it wasn't just him, it was him and another girl, and wasn't just one time. Ok, THAT caught me by surprise. So then talking (kinda angry talking at this point, but still talking, not yelling or anything), she admits not only what I already knew (even though after he confessed, she first TRIED to say she only used a toy), but to another encounter some time before. She says that was only a one time thing, and she just happened to meet him in a bar one night. So, not committing to anything at this point, I probe for more info, but the only answer I get is that she doesn't really remember anything, she was drunk. I don't believe that, but I did leave it at that. I tell her I don't know how to deal with or get over this, but I know that there's 3 things I need to even try.

1. No hanging out with the girl in the previous encounters.

2. No going over the the guys house (without me), in the previous encounters.

3. No staying over ANY guys house overnight.

She agrees to those terms. A few days later, a mutual friend of ours from Oklahoma needs a place for her and her children to stay, so she moves in with us. A month later, the friend needs to go back to Oklahoma for something and my SO goes with her. they are gone for 10 days. I decided that it was over at the point she decided she was going to go. When she gets back, I tell her. She says she's going to kill herself, and of course I back down. And it's at this point that she tells me I can't speak with her friend (the one I briefly spoke about at the beginning of the first post), leaving me with exactly no one to talk to. There is not now, nor has there ever been, anything more than a great friendship between me and this other person, but now even that has been taken away. So I've been reaching out online, the only avenue I have open, to find a friend that understands, that will listen, and not judge. At this point I grieve more for the loss of that friendship than I do for the loss of my SO. But my story doesn't finish here.
So ever since the day my SO returned from Oklahoma, she has needed to know any time a text comes through on my phone, or any time I'm typing online, or anytime my phone rings, who it is. It feels to me as if I'm the one that's been running around, I'm certainly the one under the microscope. My SO was even monitoring via our cell providers website who I was texting to make sure I wasn't talking with that friend. 8-9 months goes by, I'm desperately clinging to the fragments of my sanity, saying a lot of things in an attempt to fool myself into believing that I'm ok with all of this. Someone starts referring to my SO as my roommate/baby momma, and I adopt that term. Maybe to use up some of the pain inside me, maybe in an attempt to distance myself further. But anyway, I think my next stop is last month. My SO is gone to Chicago training for a new job, and chat online with a friend of a friend that know a bit of the background and situation I'm in, and I refer to my SO as my roommate/baby momma. Then, just over a week ago, I'm out at band practice and my SO goes through my facebook account, checking messaqes and whatnot, and really explodes about the talking to girls thing (see, I really can't talk to guys about this, I've tried, but most guys IMO and from my experience, all say the same things "Ditch the B", and never really listen to the situation, so yea, I mainly talk to girls. Of course, this makes it sound like I talk to tons of them, but that's not true either. There's really only two people (both female), that I've opened up to about my problems, neither one a romantic partner. Also neither one is a potential future romantic partner. I really don't see myself being able to have a romantic interest, not in the near term, anyway. I have blurted out a few things to a few more people, but only because stuff just sometimes explodes out of me.
So anyway (have you guys figured out I'm horrible at staying on topic yet?), this episode just over a week ago causes the second breakup (from my end), and I tell her I don't believe her, not anything that she tells me, and I don't trust her, not even a little bit, and I don't even believe her when she says, "I love you"... Which is all true. Since her trip to Oklahoma, I have not said, "I love you too". In response to her saying she loves me, I say, "I love you". Which I really do,.... If you guys listen to country music at all you might know a guy named Craig Morgan. He's got this song, it's really a great song,... really sad, but still great. The bridge of the song is.

Remember when I told you I was never gonna stop
Lovin' you with all my heart and so no matter what
Now it seems I'm breakin' every promise that I made
Cause every night I'm desparate,
Asking God if He would just let me forget it....

But I wake up lovin' you...

Anyway, that's me, that's where I am, where I have been, and where it feels like I always will be.
I know I won't always be there, but that's what it feels like.
So anyway, back to the breakup. She tells me she wants to die, we spend 3 very awkward days in the house, we kind of half way make up, she asks me out on a date, and I'm right back in the same hole I've been sticking around in for the past few years. I don't really think she would kill herself, but if she did it I would never forgive myself. She is the mother of my children and I do love her, even now, so much that it's difficult to breath thinking of life without her. But I have to think of myself, I have to make a change before I'm too far gone to come back from it. This last breakup she swore that she's not been with anyone since the last time, but how do I believe that? I don't for one second believe that the 3 indiscretions she admitted to are the only ones, it just doesn't add up. I do believe she told me what she thought was enough truth to make me believe that was it, but how am I supposed to believe anything she says ever again?

justasinger posted 4/7/2014 14:53 PM

TY for the welcome, and for enduring my longwinded post. Yes, I've caught on to quite a bit. I read through most of the healing library this morning after I found this site. And I've brought up to her on more than one occasion that there needs to be compromises on both sides, not just on one side. The funniest thing is the fact that she doesn't trust me, when I have had no time to do any cheating, even if I wanted to (which I'm not going to say the RA didn't cross my mind), but I just can't do it... This past year she really has done some changes, it's not like it was before the second 'coming clean', and I don't want to say it's "too little, too late", but it sure feels that way.

Breezy150 posted 4/7/2014 17:50 PM

In my experience the more WH accused me of being inappropriate the deeper he was getting with his AP.

Sadmumma posted 4/7/2014 21:21 PM

Hi, and welcome to SI... You're among friends here....

I hate to say it but it really sounds like a hot bed of mess your in, and I hope that this site can give you the tools to navigate your way through this site, towards R or D whichever path you choose.

From reading your post I think you're being too accommodating with your W. Specifically

2. No going to the guys house without me. Um no. She shouldn't be even communicating with him, and neither of you should be visiting him.

In any case... Are you in IC. That mY be a great place to start.

And your wife threatening suicide.. While she may be unbalanced it could just be emotional blackmail.

damnUnicorns posted 4/8/2014 09:56 AM

Just wanted to say I read your post& am sending hugs.

I have no advice, I'm just as mixed up as you over
my own sitch. I don't have any friends, either ... or family. That makes all this extra hard.

Hang in there! Feel free to pm me, I'm willing to listen & not judge. I don't know where to turn myself.

justasinger posted 4/8/2014 10:04 AM

well, it's kinda funny that a year after I gave her those 3 rules, she couldn't even remember what they were, and she'd broken all of them. I really feel like an idiot just reading what I've been through and still being here.

Since the breakup two weeks ago, she told me she would do anything to stay together. She said she's an attention hound, and she's spoiled (which she has never admitted to before). Also this is the first time she's ever said it was her fault (though with the attention hound comment she did insinuate that I don't give her enough attention). Last night she arrived home about 7:20 PM, and told me what her day went like, though it felt like she was saying it so I wouldn't ask her why she didn't text or call to say she'd be home late. Not that I've asked her anything like that in over a year. I don't call or text if she's not here, I can't quite put words to why I don't, but one of the topics on here (that amazing new BS read) spoke about the BS deciding that they were single mentally, but still living together and acting like a couple, (for the sake of the family, I.E. kids and/or parents/siblings etc.)

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