I hope in writing this out that you caught a few red flags in your relationship with your SO. If not let me call something's to your attention. I feel she knows by know that if you don't have 100% proof of something that she won't get accused so her MO is to conceal things instead of behaving. I feel she also know that you won't call her on "minor" infractions but only majors. Like you'll call her on cheating but not being rude. For both cheating and disappearing for hours is just rudeness to you and your relationship. It shouldn't be tolerated.
Another is the inequality of acceptable behaviors. Your SO believe that she is held to different rules that you are which is why she blew up your phone. This is not good for a healthy relationship. Equal and balanced rules are needed.
Needing her time was also a cover that my now XW used to tied out with her affair partner. She started taking her time on the way home from work which I bet was a daily face to face meeting while I was preparing dinner and taking care of the kids. Setting how much time is needed and understanding what she needs to relax you might be able to reach an agreement that you feel comfortable that relaxing is truly what she is doing. If you need 100% proof, you don't always have to find the smoking gun. Usually you can start bounding things and a cheating person will reveal themselves in frustration or resistance. For example if your SO needs to wind down then suggest 15 minutes alone reading or resting or meditating in the bedroom. See if they buck at the idea or agree because it is sound.
So far from what I read you are being told just enough that you'll stop pushing it. It will soon become time to lay down some expectations due to her behaviors and don't allow yourself to be thrown off because you aren't 100% sure. Watch her actions. When you express fear over a possible behavior is her reaction one of helping you or is it about her pushing her perceptions and you should get over it. Cheating or not the above behavior reveals her character and attitudes toward you. If those are flawed then it creates an environment where cheating can more easily happen.
1. No hanging out with the girl in the previous encounters.
2. No going over the the guys house (without me), in the previous encounters.
3. No staying over ANY guys house overnight.
She agrees to those terms. A few days later, a mutual friend of ours from Oklahoma needs a place for her and her children to stay, so she moves in with us. A month later, the friend needs to go back to Oklahoma for something and my SO goes with her. they are gone for 10 days. I decided that it was over at the point she decided she was going to go. When she gets back, I tell her. She says she's going to kill herself, and of course I back down. And it's at this point that she tells me I can't speak with her friend (the one I briefly spoke about at the beginning of the first post), leaving me with exactly no one to talk to. There is not now, nor has there ever been, anything more than a great friendship between me and this other person, but now even that has been taken away. So I've been reaching out online, the only avenue I have open, to find a friend that understands, that will listen, and not judge. At this point I grieve more for the loss of that friendship than I do for the loss of my SO. But my story doesn't finish here.
So ever since the day my SO returned from Oklahoma, she has needed to know any time a text comes through on my phone, or any time I'm typing online, or anytime my phone rings, who it is. It feels to me as if I'm the one that's been running around, I'm certainly the one under the microscope. My SO was even monitoring via our cell providers website who I was texting to make sure I wasn't talking with that friend. 8-9 months goes by, I'm desperately clinging to the fragments of my sanity, saying a lot of things in an attempt to fool myself into believing that I'm ok with all of this. Someone starts referring to my SO as my roommate/baby momma, and I adopt that term. Maybe to use up some of the pain inside me, maybe in an attempt to distance myself further. But anyway, I think my next stop is last month. My SO is gone to Chicago training for a new job, and chat online with a friend of a friend that know a bit of the background and situation I'm in, and I refer to my SO as my roommate/baby momma. Then, just over a week ago, I'm out at band practice and my SO goes through my facebook account, checking messaqes and whatnot, and really explodes about the talking to girls thing (see, I really can't talk to guys about this, I've tried, but most guys IMO and from my experience, all say the same things "Ditch the B", and never really listen to the situation, so yea, I mainly talk to girls. Of course, this makes it sound like I talk to tons of them, but that's not true either. There's really only two people (both female), that I've opened up to about my problems, neither one a romantic partner. Also neither one is a potential future romantic partner. I really don't see myself being able to have a romantic interest, not in the near term, anyway. I have blurted out a few things to a few more people, but only because stuff just sometimes explodes out of me.
So anyway (have you guys figured out I'm horrible at staying on topic yet?), this episode just over a week ago causes the second breakup (from my end), and I tell her I don't believe her, not anything that she tells me, and I don't trust her, not even a little bit, and I don't even believe her when she says, "I love you"... Which is all true. Since her trip to Oklahoma, I have not said, "I love you too". In response to her saying she loves me, I say, "I love you". Which I really do,.... If you guys listen to country music at all you might know a guy named Craig Morgan. He's got this song, it's really a great song,... really sad, but still great. The bridge of the song is.
Remember when I told you I was never gonna stop
Lovin' you with all my heart and so no matter what
Now it seems I'm breakin' every promise that I made
Cause every night I'm desparate,
Asking God if He would just let me forget it....
But I wake up lovin' you...
Anyway, that's me, that's where I am, where I have been, and where it feels like I always will be.
I know I won't always be there, but that's what it feels like.
So anyway, back to the breakup. She tells me she wants to die, we spend 3 very awkward days in the house, we kind of half way make up, she asks me out on a date, and I'm right back in the same hole I've been sticking around in for the past few years. I don't really think she would kill herself, but if she did it I would never forgive myself. She is the mother of my children and I do love her, even now, so much that it's difficult to breath thinking of life without her. But I have to think of myself, I have to make a change before I'm too far gone to come back from it. This last breakup she swore that she's not been with anyone since the last time, but how do I believe that? I don't for one second believe that the 3 indiscretions she admitted to are the only ones, it just doesn't add up. I do believe she told me what she thought was enough truth to make me believe that was it, but how am I supposed to believe anything she says ever again?
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I hate to say it but it really sounds like a hot bed of mess your in, and I hope that this site can give you the tools to navigate your way through this site, towards R or D whichever path you choose.
From reading your post I think you're being too accommodating with your W. Specifically
2. No going to the guys house without me. Um no. She shouldn't be even communicating with him, and neither of you should be visiting him.
In any case... Are you in IC. That mY be a great place to start.
And your wife threatening suicide.. While she may be unbalanced it could just be emotional blackmail.
I have no advice, I'm just as mixed up as you over
my own sitch. I don't have any friends, either ... or family. That makes all this extra hard.
Hang in there! Feel free to pm me, I'm willing to listen & not judge. I don't know where to turn myself.
Since the breakup two weeks ago, she told me she would do anything to stay together. She said she's an attention hound, and she's spoiled (which she has never admitted to before). Also this is the first time she's ever said it was her fault (though with the attention hound comment she did insinuate that I don't give her enough attention). Last night she arrived home about 7:20 PM, and told me what her day went like, though it felt like she was saying it so I wouldn't ask her why she didn't text or call to say she'd be home late. Not that I've asked her anything like that in over a year. I don't call or text if she's not here, I can't quite put words to why I don't, but one of the topics on here (that amazing new BS read) spoke about the BS deciding that they were single mentally, but still living together and acting like a couple, (for the sake of the family, I.E. kids and/or parents/siblings etc.)