My apologies for getting back to this so late. I didn't get to the computer last night and today I took my DD to see her first year college advisor. ACK!
And I admit, when I first read this last night, I triggered hard.
I will give you some brief back story so you can understand my perspective.
My mother divorced my father when I was 2 years old. Through the mail.
He was a pedophile. She didn't realize this when she married him. During the 6 year marriage there were MAJOR red flags. Like, he was arrested for flashing children. Porn always. He cheated on her. She got pregnant with me in effort to try to "save" the marriage.
When I was just over a year old, she came home from work one day and he was in the bath tub with me. He had an erection. This is where it gets sketchy. She thought she saw me touching his penis. He denied it. Regardless, he was in tub with me with an erection, that is not disputed.
She took me from him, beat him with a pan and stabbed him with a fork. THe next day, he was on a bus from Md to Wa and I never saw him again. They divorced. She never pursued child support because she didn't want him to pursue visitation.
My grandmother told me when I was FIVE years old about him, in detail. I was far too young, clearly. I always carried the shame of who and what he was from the time I was 5 years old. That is a heavy burden for a child to carry.
He did remarry. He had another child, a girl, when I was 7. He would call my mom every so often to see how I was. I remember talking to him twice, until I was 15.
When I was 15, he was arrested for molesting his wife's nephews and went to prison. Then he tried contacting me, talking to me. I had a very difficult time with this. I asked him why he was in prison (I knew, I just wanted to hear it from him). He said he was a pedophile. He tried to explain his therapy (aversion and depo provera). He sent money occasionally.
When I had a child at 19 I stopped contact. Becoming a mother myself, scared me to continue contact. I did not contact him again until I was 34 when I needed medical information. He tried to remain in contact, but I could NOT handle it at all. My anxiety was too much.
I finally met my sister for the first time when I was 32. Her mother divorced him when he was in prison. We bonded instantly.
Last year (I was 36) he died of a drug overdose. My sister and I had to fly to Id since we were next of kin and take care of the arrangements. It was fucking hard. I had a lot of unresolved pain, hurt, anger, etc. And oddly, sadness. I'd never have a chance to talk to him. Guilt, because I never gave him a chance to apologize to me.
I found out last year too...that he suffered severe abuse as a child. It does NOT excuse what he was, but it explains in a way how he turned out the way he did.
Another big thing that I found out, he never abused my sister. Ever. She lived with him for 8 years and he never touched her. He was a caring and loving father to her. That...hurt me, because I never knew him that way.
The BIGGEST question of all, that I wanted to always know...
DID HE EVER LOVE ME. Sure, he'd told me he did, but he lied his entire life. Did he really love me or no?
When we were cleaning out his trailer, I found pictures he'd saved of me. Every picture he'd ever had of me (and my sister) he'd saved. In our own albums. I broke down and sobbed (I still tear up). To me, that was my answer right there. Yes...he did love me.
So after that long diatribe...
For your daughter...Though you've told her not to hold him up, I'll bet anything she's painted SOME picture in her mind over the years. Maybe she thinks he's changed. Or that when he meets her, he will fall in love with her as a father and want to make up for all those lost years.
The thing is, yes, you've told her to be prepared for him to say no, but...is she prepared for ACTUAL disappointment? Or if he says yes, meets her once, then disappears again, can she handle it? You know her, can she handle REJECTION? What if she realizes, he does not love her? That is going to hurt. Deeply and for a long time.
Does his wife even know he has a child? Will his wife even want her to be a part of their life?
If you open up this line of contact, it could be far more damaging at this age. It's one thing to be honest, it's another to cause damage and he could cause SERIOUS damage.
I understand the need at this age to KNOW. I've been there. Hell, I still AM, but mine isn't around to answer questions anymore, and I'm let to figure it out on my own, but can't. But knowing WHAT I know at such a young age, damaged me significantly. I don't think, even at 13 I would have been ready to know the details. Though your story isn't mine, it's somewhat similar.
In my opinion...I would have her wait. Protect her heart longer. Don't let him hurt her. Give her as much detail as you can without telling her he wanted her dead. Push for her to see the IC/Psych. But no, I would not let her reach out yet.
When you DO reach out, you need to do it first. Act as a buffer. Don't let her do it first. Try to mitigate some of that damage.
I'm so sorry you're even having to deal with this.