I remember the pain of JFO. I can still feel it sometimes if I allow myself to go there. It's real, it's deep.
I did something that I now find myself grateful for in the months after d-day. MrH had left for Iraq, still acting the unrepentant WH...turns out he was, I had a second d-day while he was gone.
In my opposite-of-180-self, I set up a YouTube channel for him to see the kids. I hoped to keep fresh in his mind what he was contemplating giving up for xOw2. On a side note- it didn't work. The only thing that worked was being willing to leave the M and refuse to be treated like an option. Once you get to that place of strength, never leave it behind. Never accept what your head, heart AND gut know you will need of you gift your WS with R. Please.
For the first time in a long time, I logged on to that account.
I am SOOOOO grateful for me that I filmed them. I was in such a fog, I missed so much of that year...or more. It is bittersweet to hear their little 6yo and 2yo voices send messages to daddy. I know what he was doing then, how I was struggling. But because of my trying to do something for *him* then, I did something for my future self. I now have tangible records of how cute they were...and at nearly 14yo and 10yo, I need it!
So do yourself a favor. Video your kids, journal, take lots of pictures, even more than you might normally take. Set them aside in a safe place and come back to them. Know that through your pain, you loved them. You held on to everything you could. Looking back and seeing it, you'll see why. R or D.
Meanwhile, my prayers are with each of you. The wisdom and experience of SI is behind you. You will be able to walk through this, though some steps may be more painful than the next.
