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Stop trying to pair me up!! /vent

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BrokenDaisy posted 4/7/2014 13:54 PM

If one more person tells me "you're young and beautiful you'll find someone else, get out there!" I'm going to scream. Why the need to pair me up? Why the assumption I won't possibly be happy if I never date or marry again? Or that I want to marry again? I don't understand all this jumping-into-a-new-thing-asap nonsense. Or thinking that I must be miserable being "alone". I am healing but I don't need to jump into a relationship to prove it or to prove my worth. It doesn't mean I am bitter. I have just learned from my mistakes. (I started dating xwh very soon after breaking up with xbf. Biggest. Mistake. Ever) And I couldn't give less of a shit that xwh is dating around (another titbit thrown at me "he is dating so you can". I don't decide my life's actions by his actions. In fact I think I'm safest if I do the exact opposite of him)

For now I am very happy being single and spending time with my toddler son. What is so damn wrong with that? And why do people act like it's "such a waste that you're alone". Maybe I should feel flattered that they think I'm such a catch but mostly I am just irritated and feeling devalued. Will I only have worth in society if coupled up? I know it's been over two years since dday but I have zero interest. Zero. Going by the threads in here I am perhaps alone in my thinking. Everyone here seems to be dating asap too?

Am I jaded? Bitter? Maybe with xwh being such a sick perverted assclown I have been too damaged to ever feel ready for it. All I know is that I just do not have the energy for it. I miss sex but not enough to deal with another assclown. Not enough to risk my or my son's lives. To me the risks are greater than the benefit and until that changes I just don't see myself dating. Does that make me broken/pathetic?!?

ETA: I'm just frustrated with the fact that people think the answer to all my problems is to "get out there again". My problems won't be fixed by a partner. I just feel so much pressure to be "better" or different. I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need the added pressure from others to follow the route they think would be best. Jumping into something new isn't going to change my past. I need a better way of moving on and I'm working on it. I don't have the answers either. Perhaps it just makes me feel even more worthless and I really don't need that. I'm doing my best here.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 2:38 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

She11ybeanz posted 4/7/2014 14:56 PM

You are completely normal.....your divorce was only like what...6 months ago? Be gentle with yourself.... I was divorced almost 3 and a half years ago and still don't feel ready to date healthily anyways.....and there ARE a LOT of assclowns out there!! I "Tried" dating WAY too early...and regret it. The only good thing that came out of dating too soon after my divorce was I met my daughter's father.....and my "surprise" baby was born. (P.S. he was only put on the Earth to reproduce....period.) But, I'm glad I have her. She is my ray of sunshine on ANY cloudy day! Enjoy you toddler son....I will enjoy my toddler daughter....and we can enjoy single drama-free bliss together!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:57 PM, April 7th (Monday)]

cmego posted 4/7/2014 14:59 PM

My BFF said to me, "The best way to get over one guy is to get under another one!"

That is just how the world works, they assume that you can just jump right back on the proverbial horse and ride away.

It has taken my BFF awhile to see how hurt I was, and how I've slowed down and don't rush to date. I waited a full year post S, and close to 2 years from d-day. I still didn't make the best choice, but, for me, it was a guy that finally turned my head that made me jump on that horse. It was good in a lot of ways.

Just don't worry about it. I get it too, "You are so cute, you shouldn't have any problems!" UGGG. Yes, I can get a date easily, but that doesn't' mean they are stand up guys.

Take your time.

BrokenDaisy posted 4/7/2014 15:29 PM

Thanks Shelley. Had in house separation from dday although I was still going to MC and wanting to save the marriage. Filed for divorce 9 Months post dday (almost year and half ago) and finally got to move out in August 2013 and as you noted only divorced 6 months. (Divorce took forever to be finalized!!) I am completely over assclown. What bothers me is that people assume I am not because I don't want to date. Me not wanting to date has nothing to do with xwh and everything to do wit me wanting to be healthy and safe! I'm not "clinging to the past", I'm trying to glue back the pieces of my fragile self worth and build a life for my son and I. I don't want my past to define my future and so I am determined to work through ALL the psychological and emotional scars the trauma caused me. I think people just don't realize the trauma associated with infidelity. I really am past the bitter stage. I'm not clinging to a victim role. I am trying to learn and grow as much as I can and be independent. I don't need a relationship to define me. As you say drama-free single bliss. Thanks for understanding my vent. I do know your story. I'm a lurker here (I always feel like I'm intruding if I post which I know is just my insecurity talking) anyway I'm so glad you have little Piper. I know how healing (and tiring!) a toddler can be. I wouldn't have gotten through this without my son!

Thanks cmego! As always your posts resonate with me a lot. That's also the exact line I have heard repeatedly. Part of my frustration is because people think I'm not over wxh because I refuse to date. Me staying single has nothing to do with him! And as you said:If I were to ever date again I want someone decent. It's easy getting just anyone but I am just not interested in pointless ego boosting. No thank you.

Thanks for listening to my venting and making me feel less abnormal, lol.

She11ybeanz posted 4/7/2014 15:52 PM

OH YES.... My little Piper is a handful.....but that giggle of hers can melt any frustration I get with her away....I hate to see her sad face..... she's got the pouty look DOWN!

SBB posted 4/7/2014 16:11 PM

That is more about them than it is about you. I'm casually dating but nothing serious. None of these are set ups - I meet them myself. They are not a part of my life.

My friends and colleagues are constantly trying to set me up no matter how much I tell them that I'm not ready. My picker is still on the fritz - I want to enjoy this time alone as much as I can. I have two little girls who don't need me to be distracted with relationship ups/downs right now. They don't need another bug change right now.

I've posted that I wouldn't date me right now - I don't know if I'll ever be ready and I'm OK with that. For some reason people seem to find that threatening. My guess is that it brings up something inside themselves that makes them uncomfortable.

I don't believe a relationship right now would be a sign of healing, it would be the opposite for me.

I'm not lonely, my life is rich and full - I'm happy, healing and growing.

Just let me be.

phmh posted 4/7/2014 18:30 PM

You are strong and amazing and will have a great life because of those traits.

So many people just follow the lifescript without even thinking if that's what they want to do. And that means getting partnered up, preferably married, and having kids, a house, a dog, etc.

Most people also have no idea how to have strong romantic relationships. I had no idea, until this cheating shit struck me and I started reading books and doing research. (Of course, this is still untested as I'm single, but by implementing things I've learned, my friendships and other relationships are much stronger.)

If everyone would take the time to heal from their last relationship before beginning a new one and not be afraid to be alone, the success rate of second marriages would be much, much higher. Instead, people rush into things.

Don't succumb to the peer pressure! The time that you invest in yourself and your daughter now will pay itself ten-fold in the future. I've never heard anyone regret taking time for themselves to heal, whereas people frequently regret jumping into a relationship too soon.

When people would say stuff to me, I'd respond along the lines of "After being in an abusive relationship for so long, I'm loving being single right now!" And you know what? Many of the people who were pushing me to partner up have since confided in me that they are envious of my life and wished that they were single, too. Of course the grass is greener, but I took is as a sign of my healing when I was indifferent to the ways in which other people tried to tell me how to live my life.

PhoenixRisen posted 4/7/2014 19:42 PM

To me the risks are greater than the benefit and until that changes I just don't see myself dating.

I also D a NPD and until that relationship turned D&D I didn't realize how crazy a person can be (while appearing completely normal to outsiders!) Who needs that? NO ONE

and if anyone believes you can't be fulfilled being alone they are probably projecting their own inability to be alone onto you. Don't let them! They have nothing to do with your happy & healthy self!

staystrong101 posted 4/8/2014 10:12 AM

Daisy - I could've written your post! I agree completely. My D was final 3 months ago. So many people tell me they have a brother, a friend, a neighbor, etc etc who would be perfect for me. I tell them thanks, I'm not ready. Why do they think we have to pair up in order to be happy?? i'm not bitter against men either. I'm 46 and I take good care of myself. People say "you're too pretty to be alone." What does that mean? Right now I'm enjoying my independence. I go out with friends, male and female, in groups. I am not interested in dating yet. Yes, my XWH is out there dating. But then, he has been in the single mindset apparently for about 20 years. We were married 24 years. I was blindsided when he got caught with OW #1. (Later found out there were several others as well.) So it's taking me more time to think of myself as single again. Anyway, just had to respond to you! I think it's a good sign that you're standing on your own two feet and enjoying your friends and your child. I think we'll know when we're ready, and it's good to have high standards. Good luck to you!

better4me posted 4/8/2014 12:30 PM

Shakespeare said it well: "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

Friends may be well meaning. People want people to be "like" them so they encourage you to go out and do what they've done. But they aren't you. Some people may be really pushy about it, but they aren't you, they don't know any better. Only you know what is right for you. You are doing your best. You aren't worthless. You know what is right for you and your child and no one else gets to have a say. You'll find your way through this mess. Your own path. Your own unique way.

BrokenDaisy posted 4/8/2014 15:17 PM

Such great responses. There's some wise people on SI Thanks for understanding my vent and for articulating it so much better than I did.

I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I'm still far from where I want to be but I'm at least certain about this one thing: I don't need dating to heal or move on.

identitylost posted 4/10/2014 19:41 PM

You aren't alone. I work full time, raise a toddler, manage my house, chores, etc.....there is no time left for dating nor is there a desire to try to squeeze that in. Any alone time I want to spend actually alone or with friends. People have an assumption that you aren't happy if you are single, obviously there are plenty of us that are. Either that or we are just too frickin' exhausted from toddler rearing to know if we are happy/sad/awake/asleep :)

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