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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: He used the word "contaminate"
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I got away for approx. 30 hours last week. We got a great deal at a swanky hotel via hotwire. We shopped a bit earlier - I had a credit at a store so I bought a sweater. He encouraged me to pick out a few more things so I looked at earrings. He then encouraged me to buy the necklace too (I rarely buy myself things). It felt great to be treated like that! Later that night we had nice chat in their lounge and then a yummy dinner out. We spent the next day shopping around - some bedding and kitchen essentials. It was wonderful to get away/break from the kids to wear our H and W "hats".

Here's where the word, contaminate comes in. The day before I learned of the A, he was in the city with members of his team and the Head Office team. The AP was there with the latter group. That was when she gave him his bday card. I THOUGHT it was at that same hotel we were at (bc he did not sleep over at this hotel with her, I was okay being there). However, the location of the bar/rooms did not add up when I looked around. So...while in the lounge I said, "I need to call you on something that you told me following D-Day". He quickly corrected me that this was NOT the hotel the group met at. They were at a totally different hotel that night. That's why it didn't make sense!

He said,

Also, LA, I would not contaminate our time in any way with memories from that time. That would just be so wrong on top of everything else that is wrong.

That he used the word, "contaminate" really stuck with me. It is such a strong word. He said it really represents how disgusted he feels when he looks back at that time.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:06 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So happy that your husband truly gets it.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 2:08 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, LA, I would not contaminate our time in any way with memories from that time. That would just be so wrong on top of everything else that is wrong.

he is so wonderfully remorseful!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you meplusfour and rachelc. Never thought it would make me happy to read this....

he is so wonderfully remorseful!

I asked today what the name of the hotel was that they did stay in here in our city and he told me. He thinks it was 2010. I felt the lump in my throat and cried for about one minute. I needed to get that little bit out of me.

Then I went to yoga and cursed my way through it!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ChinaCat
♀ 42797
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Lightbulb!
I am so happy to hear that! Good for you! :) *Happy Dance!*


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love reading your posts LA. Thank you for sharing this moment. You have such strength as well. Great job to you and Mr LA!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds awesome all around. (Ahhhh, retail therapy! )


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18337 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks AML. Sometimes I feel as if my posts are only positive. I guess lately they have been. I was glad to get past that first year. I hope others feel hopeful when they read my stuff and not..."Oh great Miss Mary Sunshine again!"


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! What a great post. It sounds like a blissful weekend, and for him to meet your concern with such deep insight and feeling about the concept of location and behavior crossover of Affair activities and reconciliation efforts must have been so gratifying. All of your persistence and hard, agonizing work is paying off. I hope some of the "under a year" crew, like myself, have some of the same opportunities in our futures!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 742 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a powerful word


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
sunvalley
♀ 42952
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad to hear that someone else's H views that time in his life this way. Mine has been of this same mindset the whole time since I found out, and even when it was going on he says he had this disgust about it but was spiraling out of control and didn't know how to get help. I have felt at times that it's hard to explain how he could feel this way yet do these things, and like I've had to defend that someone could truly have this view of their own past at times. Thank you for reassuring me that some former WS are truly remorseful and disgusted by their own actions as mine seemingly is as well (we are 8m into R) and I want to trust him and believe him on that..it doesn't erase the past actions, but it sure helps feel like we're on the same page now. Agree that contaminate is a great word for it!


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel as if my posts are only positive. I guess lately they have been. I was glad to get past that first year. I hope others feel hopeful when they read my stuff and not..."Oh great Miss Mary Sunshine again!"

Not at all!!! I love your positive posts! I can't speak for everyone else but it gives me a lot of hope so thank you for sharing.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the sunshine

Getting through the rain couldn't be more rewarding and sharing the sun when other folks have less is wonderful.

I am so happy for you guys LA, continued love and happiness my friend.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in and wanted to say thanks to all of you for your cheers. I am cheering for all of you as well.

@sunvalley...

Mine has been of this same mindset the whole time since I found out, and even when it was going on he says he had this disgust about it but was spiraling out of control

My H said to me, "You know when you are disgusted about something but do it anyway?"

I guess the only thing I could think of was when I eat when I am stuffed. I am disgusted with my behavior at that point.

Okay, AML and Karma....I will keep 'em coming when I can!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sunvalley
♀ 42952
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA - ironically when I saw his IC for a couple of my own IC sessions (she wanted to see us both) she explained it to me in that exact sense. Compared this to someone who overeats, shops too much or even someone who cuts themselves...you know you shouldn't, you don't technically enjoy it, it kind of just numbs you from dealing with the real world for a short period of time then you're right back to hating yourself.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting isn't it? I am actually quite fascinated. Having said that, I am going to really keep this in mind when I am over-eating....or eating when I am not hungry.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, LA44!

My H also looks back with disgust. He says that he can't imagine why he kept going back when it was unsatisfying (after the first few months) and left him feeling ashamed afterwards. He used the example of gambling, and thinking that maybe this time it will be better. But he also now realizes through IC that there was a compulsion there, completely unrelated to OW, that likely stemmed from his childhood.

But since he was such a master compartmentalizer he was able to box away even the shame that he felt. He failed to look at the fact that he didn't even like the OW, or how she would shout insults at him when he refused to take her calls when he was home.

Sorry, this is supposed to be positive! My point is that it is entirely possible that they could do something that disgusted them, even at the time, but especially later, if they are truly remorseful.

So good that your H gets it!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 1:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad yours gets it too, catlover50. Here's hoping for more happy days.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
devotedfool68
♂ 38047
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself feeling envious, I don't believe that my WW "looks back with disgust". IT seems so strange to wish for something like that

"very happy for you though maybe someday..


BH 46
WW 38 (Lost94)
DS 17
DS 15
AP - friend of a friend of WW - complete stranger, predatory KISA

many DDays, primary 7/4/2012 and 8/10/2012
timeline of the highlights 11/1/2013

Holding on to hope.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so devoted.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 20

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