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AmIenough posted 4/7/2014 14:42 PM

I guess I'm a big baby but it seems like all I want is for him to fight for me - us, the way I do. To show that he is remorseful and truly is sorry for all of his hurtful actions. I don't want to replay everyday and make him feel that way everyday but it seems like he is angered by me asking something- he just shows no emotion.
Constantly tells me he loves me and is always in contact with me but face to face he acts as though everything is fine. When IM NOT FINE. I AM HURTing I am confused and don't understand how someone who vowed to love me forever could knowingly and continuously hurt me.
How am I suppose to believe that he loves me when I remember everything?
I wish I could just turn the thoughts off.

ziganska posted 4/7/2014 15:04 PM

You're not a big baby. And you're not weak. You're stronger than you think you are and you're human for feeling all that you are right now. I can understand that he doesn't want to relive all that happened too but he has to validate what you're going through. Are you in MC? Can you find a time at the end of the night to just talk things through, so he knows what you're feeling.

Don't feel like you have to hide your emotions to save his feelings. He needs to understand and accept the enormity of what he's done to you, your life, his life.

As for what is happening in your head, I've been grappling with that too. I have to take medication to dull the senses or else I'll cry and/or fight all day. The meds have helped and I'm trying to stay distracted at work and at home, but when I just can't handle the noise in my head, I take a long, hot shower. The water on my head seems to help drown the noises and calms me down. And then afterwards, I make some tea and/or try to nap. It has helped. Find out what calms you down and go with it whenever you have those bad thoughts hit you hard. And write here on SI....writing helps get it out of your system.

ChinaCat posted 4/7/2014 15:05 PM

You are not being a baby at all.

You should be fought for with much ferocity.

Mine never fought for me. That light bulb never went off for him.

But you know what? I woke up and now I am fighting fiercely for me.
I was the only one with the guts and love to stand up for myself.

Don't forget to fight for yourself too! You deserve to be fought for.

4everfaithful83 posted 4/7/2014 15:10 PM

Oh are not a big baby! You have been hurt by the person you trusted most. You are so close to DDAY (if DDAY is your join date?), you should expect to feel hurt and angry. Your emotions are a roller-coaster right now.

I can relate to everything you posted, as my WBF acted the same way in the months following DDAY.

After DDAY he had a really hard time talking about things, I think because he was really ashamed of his actions, as he should be! Sometimes he could talk, but sometimes he would get really defensive and would say things like

I don't want to be reminded every day of the wrong things I've done!

Which pissed me off to no end. I AM reminded every day of the wrong things he's why shouldn't he??

I felt exactly as you did. I was hurting! I couldn't for the life of me understand how he could pretend like nothing happened and talk to me like everything was OK, when I was dying inside.

I reached out to the SI family and got some sane advice about what to do. Many told me that if he isn't showing remorse and is just rug-sweeping, then this is no good, and R is nearly impossible.

It took some time, but I ended up practicing the 180. You can read about the 180 (and you should!) in the healing library. I ended up telling my WBF what I needed to survive, to make it through this hell in one piece. I was prepared to leave him if he did not give me what I needed. I was the betrayed in this situation, not him.

Are you guys in any kind of counseling?

Do you have full transparency? ie - all his passwords to cell phone, email, social media, ect...?

Did he write a NC to OW? Are they still in contact?

One SI member said something that stuck with me. They said that if he couldn't be there for me now, why would he be there me later? Life throws some crazy curve balls your way, and I need someone who is going to be there for me. Emotionally as well as physically.

Keep posting on here, it helps. And you'll get some awesome just have to be brave enough to stand up for yourself and take that advice. You deserve it.

AmIenough posted 4/8/2014 18:25 PM

Full transparency...
I would like to think I do but I know I don't.

SoTired011114 posted 4/8/2014 18:54 PM

I could have written your EXACT post......this sucks!! I feel the same way.


painandgrief posted 4/8/2014 19:39 PM

4everfaithful...fabulous post. I'm almost 1 year out and everything you wrote so resonated with me. How HARD it is to face what they've done, blah, blah, blah....ashamed....blah, blah, blah...

They said that if he couldn't be there for me now, why would he be there me later?

That nails it. Great advice. Thank you.

Sparkle0504 posted 4/9/2014 03:17 AM


Unfortunately your post rings true for many of us here. You're not a big baby, you're a valuable human being who deserves to be fought for tooth and nail. I have a very similar situation and I believe it centres around my WH's shame. We've had to be Oh so strong, why can't they grow a spine and face up to it themselves?

Do what is right for YOU. If he finally "gets it" then splendid days, but meantime, you are mistress of your own destiny (bad terminology maybe, but you know what I mean lol).

AmIenough posted 4/10/2014 18:21 PM

You guys are great.
I have been trying to deal with all of this by myself, with no one to talk to about it and it's very hard. Especially when there are times when I need reassurance that I'm not crazy - or times when I need the brutal truth. I can't give that to myself. So thank you all for being willing to take time out of your busy lives to help us out.

I have tried to bury myself in work and it seems to make me think more. (strangely) I find myself checking phone records or internet usage and whatever else I can to find out what's going on- or if something's going on. But in my mind I justify the investigating telling myself that this is how I will learn to trust him again...because honestly I don't find anything. In my head I know that investigating & digging is not how to learn to trust again.
I feel so torn

AmIenough posted 4/10/2014 18:31 PM

To give an update we are together trying to work this out. As I mentioned before he always tells me he loves me and will seek my hand out to hold it and in bed he always holds me close. He is always professing his love for me on facbk...very affectionate...My problem is if he loves me this much, how could he hurt me as he did? The role playing, chatting texts etc. even as far as telling these random females all about me... Sending emails saying good morning beautiful, which was something I thought was special for me. Now when he says it it automatically triggers things I have read and I go from happy to my stomach turning and wanting to cry to wanting to scream at him. I don't understand any of this.
I know that no one is perfect and I surely am not but I don't think I could ever hurt him like that... I would simply leave.
I don't know what else to do to stop these thoughts because I want to believe he loves me but I instantly doubt everything in those moments.
He always says that maybe we had to fall apart to come back stronger...but I don't feel so strong. I feel like a thin thread that at any moment could break.
All I want is to be happy. Like all of us want. Question is how do you get back there after facing this?

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