Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
Oh AmIenough...you are not a big baby! You have been hurt by the person you trusted most. You are so close to DDAY (if DDAY is your join date?), you should expect to feel hurt and angry. Your emotions are a roller-coaster right now.
I can relate to everything you posted, as my WBF acted the same way in the months following DDAY.
After DDAY he had a really hard time talking about things, I think because he was really ashamed of his actions, as he should be! Sometimes he could talk, but sometimes he would get really defensive and would say things like
I don't want to be reminded every day of the wrong things I've done!
Which pissed me off to no end. I AM reminded every day of the wrong things he's done...so why shouldn't he??
I felt exactly as you did. I was hurting! I couldn't for the life of me understand how he could pretend like nothing happened and talk to me like everything was OK, when I was dying inside.
I reached out to the SI family and got some sane advice about what to do. Many told me that if he isn't showing remorse and is just rug-sweeping, then this is no good, and R is nearly impossible.
It took some time, but I ended up practicing the 180. You can read about the 180 (and you should!) in the healing library. I ended up telling my WBF what I needed to survive, to make it through this hell in one piece. I was prepared to leave him if he did not give me what I needed. I was the betrayed in this situation, not him.
Are you guys in any kind of counseling?
Do you have full transparency? ie - all his passwords to cell phone, email, social media, ect...?
Did he write a NC to OW? Are they still in contact?
One SI member said something that stuck with me. They said that if he couldn't be there for me now, why would he be there me later? Life throws some crazy curve balls your way, and I need someone who is going to be there for me. Emotionally as well as physically.
Keep posting on here, it helps. And you'll get some awesome advice...you just have to be brave enough to stand up for yourself and take that advice. You deserve it.
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013