Almost 7 months since D day and I have a remorseful DH who is doing everything right and I would say R is going very well.
I still think about the A EVERY single day and I would say that it occupies my mind for the majority of my waking hours. I don't experience the same level of panic as I once did unless I have a bad trigger but it's still there playing over in my mind. DH and I talk about us a lot, we limit the talking about the A but we still refer to it a lot. I was obsessing about OW and constantly stalking her on FB which I'm trying not to do now. But when will it start to leave my mind some space to think about other stuff? I hate it and feel like I want it to go now but I still obsess about the past and worry that DH could do it again.
I know we are impatient and want to be fixed sooner than is possible but I wondered if anyone could give me a rough idea of when they stopped thinking about the A 24 7 and started having some breathing space from it.. I really look forward to this time ..
Thank you x
D day 9/9/2013
DD (still born 2007) DS - 5 & DS - 3
Trying to Reconcile
Hang in there -- it gets better.
We are having MC and both IC as well. We are trying to re write a lot of sh1t memories. DH travelled with work and this is where A took place (over 2 years on and off)... And now he is travelling to a lot of the A places again but this time me and the children are mostly going with him. We are rewriting the awfulness that we both now associate with these places.. That is hard but like you say, important I guess..
Thanks for replying to a lot of my posts, you are just a few months ahead of me and seem to offer me a lot of good advice x x
Everyone is different as is everyone's situation.
But to give you my experience, I am smack dab in the middle of A season, with Dday Year 2 coming up...and I am in a pretty good place right now. I'm not thinking about it very much at all.
However, I know from the past 2 yrs that I can trigger and the thoughts can take hold again.
A lot of my "moving forward" and not "thinking about the past" comes from having a pretty remorseful H, who can express his remorse to me ..as often as I need to hear it...which was pretty often until just recently.
I really had to process the whole thing over and over again...and H and I did a lot of talking about the same thing over and over again.
The story didn't really change with all the re-hashing, but more how we both viewed it.
I think now we are at the point that we both can see very clearly what happened.
I don't know if every couple goes through this, but I think this is the key for me and how I could finally put it out of my head.
You & your WH sound like you are in a good place. It takes time. Sending you strength.
It probably took 3 years before I didn't think of it every day.
5 years to not think of it every week.
Now at 7 years, I only think of it when I am on this board, or if something specific comes up.
I cried myself to sleep every day for 6 months. I cried every day for probably a year. I squeezed out a few tears one night last summer, but that's the last I recall crying.
It DOES get better, but it really is a marathon.
If you are having specific troubles with obsessive thoughts, those can be handled. You might ask your IC for some suggestions. I used a technique that worked well for me to give me some kind of peace.
So glad I could post here. The mental images were by far the WORST part of it. A torture that I couldn't escape from and I felt like no one understood. I felt like if I knew exactly what happened, blow by blow, it would be easier than what my mind could imagine. I constantly found myself quizzing my spouse with the same questions and it practically drove him crazy also, but here's the good news.....
It Doesn't Last Forever.
You Wont Always Feel This Way.
There Will Be A Day When You Don't Think About This At All!
It's been almost 3 years, and I can truly say that it was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, but now, I don't think about them, or her, at all. It doesn't invade my every waking moment, it doesn't define my life or my marriage. In fact it really feels now like something that happened to someone else, and not me at all.
If he is repentant, you will know by how he acts. And if you both are willing, then by all means, push through this. It took, for me, about a few months until it wasn't on my mind every minute. Then about a year until I only thought about it once or twice a day. A little more time ... once every few weeks, and now very rarely do I think of it, and if so, its more like a fact then a feeling. You will be OK. You will be yourself again. You will laugh again, this will not take your joy forever. You will be able to help scrape others off the floor someday too, and be thankful that you made it out. Praying for you.
Any one else who can give me their timeline in terms of feeling better would be much appreciated as I would like to keep records of this post. It's so helpful!
1. Writing them down.
2. Talking SOME (not all) of them out with WS
3. Talking with close relative or friend
4. Getting busy with stuff I like (job, hobbies)
5. Self-soothing - Hypnosisdownloads.com, Christmas music, reading something soothing and fun (it changes depending on moood or day),
7. Taking to daughter
8. Just Giving myself a break - I'm only human too, not being so hard on myself to "hurry up and heal already...."...Its ok to cry, feel, bad but also good to move on again and again...hard work..
[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
for me at this juncture now (one year out and getting tired of thinking the negative thoughts) it seems be best to start the day off on this positive note:
"I have been struggling a lot with sad thoughts, but look how far I have come. I know I will go even just a little bit further today."
"I wish my WS love, peace and happiness today"
"I wish myself love peace and happiness today."
not saying I always FEEL it, but have to start somewhere....
[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
Mum - IC had a couple suggestions for me. Are you seeing one? One was about bringing yourself into the present time and exactly what you're doing instead of running through the memories (they can teach you techniques) and the other was about acknowledging your emotions instead of fighting them, ignoring them just makes them scream at you even louder.
I'm 8m post DD and feeling like I'm finally letting go of the OW...I don't see them as entities anymore, they mean nothing to me and I no longer look them up the way I used to. I still have my moments but I don't obsess anymore. I am more focused on how he could do this to me now and probably in more of the depression stage of grieving...the good news about that? It's progress, even if it's not easy and while it feels worse right now it's better than denial! I hope by a year to not be so consumed by the thoughts as well but I won't give myself any solid timelines to follow.
For me it's a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm up and I focus on the present and the changes wh has made...he is a better husband and father, he is more mature, he listens better, enjoys doing family things more, he is so much happier and more fun to be around.
Today though I'm stuck down thinking about how he had sex with her here in our house...what was my dream house...the first month we lived here...he had sex with her in our bed and then let me come home and sleep on the very same sheets. He had sex with her in both of our showers...and this was all in one visit...he hadn't had sex with me multiple times in the same day in 7 or so years before this...he got her and I pregnant a month apart...she was my friend...wh and I were each other's first and only sex partner until ow...I mean the list of reasons this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me goes on and on...how do you get over all that? How do you accept it? How do you not think about it? Especially with infidelity being shoved down our throats everywhere you look.
Sorry...kind of got off on a rant there. I'm definitly on the 5 year timeline I think for things to get better...maybe more.