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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: When will I have a break from the thoughts?
Mumof3
♀ 42555
Member # 42555
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Almost 7 months since D day and I have a remorseful DH who is doing everything right and I would say R is going very well.

I still think about the A EVERY single day and I would say that it occupies my mind for the majority of my waking hours. I don't experience the same level of panic as I once did unless I have a bad trigger but it's still there playing over in my mind. DH and I talk about us a lot, we limit the talking about the A but we still refer to it a lot. I was obsessing about OW and constantly stalking her on FB which I'm trying not to do now. But when will it start to leave my mind some space to think about other stuff? I hate it and feel like I want it to go now but I still obsess about the past and worry that DH could do it again.

I know we are impatient and want to be fixed sooner than is possible but I wondered if anyone could give me a rough idea of when they stopped thinking about the A 24 7 and started having some breathing space from it.. I really look forward to this time ..

Thank you x


Me - BS (38)
Him - WS (40)

D day 9/9/2013

DD (still born 2007) DS - 5 & DS - 3

Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum,
I felt very much the same as you at 7 months. Now, at getting close to 10, it is getting better, but I am hitting affair season - so that is a trigger, too. I hope you are in MC and reading together -- making new memories goes a long way in terms of helping shove out the old, bad ones.

Hang in there -- it gets better.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Mumof3
♀ 42555
Member # 42555
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thanks Bionic that gives me a huge light at the end of a
Short tunnel - 3 months for it to get a bit better sounds good to me. I do feel like I am getting better and better all the time but it's still there constantly. Your post gives me hope. I'm sorry you have affair season looming, that must be tough but this is a big hurdle that I bet you will glad to have passed through once you get there.

We are having MC and both IC as well. We are trying to re write a lot of sh1t memories. DH travelled with work and this is where A took place (over 2 years on and off)... And now he is travelling to a lot of the A places again but this time me and the children are mostly going with him. We are rewriting the awfulness that we both now associate with these places.. That is hard but like you say, important I guess..

Thanks for replying to a lot of my posts, you are just a few months ahead of me and seem to offer me a lot of good advice x x


Me - BS (38)
Him - WS (40)

D day 9/9/2013

DD (still born 2007) DS - 5 & DS - 3

Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
Searchingforhope
♀ 38437
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mum...

Everyone is different as is everyone's situation.

But to give you my experience, I am smack dab in the middle of A season, with Dday Year 2 coming up...and I am in a pretty good place right now. I'm not thinking about it very much at all.

However, I know from the past 2 yrs that I can trigger and the thoughts can take hold again.

A lot of my "moving forward" and not "thinking about the past" comes from having a pretty remorseful H, who can express his remorse to me ..as often as I need to hear it...which was pretty often until just recently.

I really had to process the whole thing over and over again...and H and I did a lot of talking about the same thing over and over again.

The story didn't really change with all the re-hashing, but more how we both viewed it.

I think now we are at the point that we both can see very clearly what happened.

I don't know if every couple goes through this, but I think this is the key for me and how I could finally put it out of my head.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi (((Mumof3))),
Almost 3 years out & it does get better. I still do think of WH's A every day, but I am not in pain 24/7. I believe that R is progressing more slowly for us because of the following reasons:
1. WH has continued to work in the same building as OW since Dday
2. I believe that WH is remorseful, but he does not express it to me, & he has dragged his feet about "doing the work"
3. I was cheated on in my first marriage, which made this wound that much worse

You & your WH sound like you are in a good place. It takes time. Sending you strength.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to give these kinds of answers. But.

It probably took 3 years before I didn't think of it every day.

5 years to not think of it every week.

Now at 7 years, I only think of it when I am on this board, or if something specific comes up.

I cried myself to sleep every day for 6 months. I cried every day for probably a year. I squeezed out a few tears one night last summer, but that's the last I recall crying.

It DOES get better, but it really is a marathon.

If you are having specific troubles with obsessive thoughts, those can be handled. You might ask your IC for some suggestions. I used a technique that worked well for me to give me some kind of peace.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very nearly 20 months out and I still think about it every day, pretty much on-and-off all day. It's like it has become part of my ordinary everyday life now.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Oct 2012
August78
♀ 32757
Member # 32757
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on a different board with the same question

So glad I could post here. The mental images were by far the WORST part of it. A torture that I couldn't escape from and I felt like no one understood. I felt like if I knew exactly what happened, blow by blow, it would be easier than what my mind could imagine. I constantly found myself quizzing my spouse with the same questions and it practically drove him crazy also, but here's the good news.....
It Doesn't Last Forever.

You Wont Always Feel This Way.

There Will Be A Day When You Don't Think About This At All!

I Promise.

It's been almost 3 years, and I can truly say that it was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, but now, I don't think about them, or her, at all. It doesn't invade my every waking moment, it doesn't define my life or my marriage. In fact it really feels now like something that happened to someone else, and not me at all.

If he is repentant, you will know by how he acts. And if you both are willing, then by all means, push through this. It took, for me, about a few months until it wasn't on my mind every minute. Then about a year until I only thought about it once or twice a day. A little more time ... once every few weeks, and now very rarely do I think of it, and if so, its more like a fact then a feeling. You will be OK. You will be yourself again. You will laugh again, this will not take your joy forever. You will be able to help scrape others off the floor someday too, and be thankful that you made it out. Praying for you.


BS me - 32
WS - 36
3 kids
D-Day: 5-24-2011

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sacramento, ca
Howie
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is going to be a while, times differ as do persons as you can see.Without getting all philisophical other than that: for me first six monthss every day. At to about a year (8 months)d -possible to have a normal day and pretty much not dwell on it it.After a year--would come to mind but not very intensely. If you have a full life, it is not a problem except..may you be spared the say semi annual "flashback"-a short intense revisit to bad time. Sorry this happened to you but life is good, really

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jan 2014
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same DDAY as you and I still think about it everyday, first thing when I wake up, during the day, and it is the last thing I think about when going to sleep at night. But the intensity is most often not the same as it had been in the beginning. My IC has told me to remind myself of how much my husband has changed the way that he relates to me now. To compare who he was pre-affair and who he is today, how our marriage has changed and we have connected in ways that we never have before. I do that when I am at my worst and I also tell my husband when I am feeling sad and vulnerable, thing about the affair and he hugs me and reassures me. Those are the things that seem to have worked for me. AND, I write here. I think we are really getting better; I see it in your posts, and I feel it most of the time in me. We are moving forward, making progress. It will be ok….


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Gman1
♂ 40879
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the same place as you at 6 months. I am now at eleven months and my mind has eased considerably and it feels so good. Every day seems a little better than the day before even though I still do think about it every day. But now, it is not the single most dominating thought or theme every single day. I too had intense rage against the AP which was holding and intensifying the A thoughts in my head. It almost became an obsession and I knew it was toxic and I needed for the hatred to stop some how. Then, one night the OM called me and apologized to me. All the rage left me in an instant and I have felt so much better afterwards and every day after I have made progress.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2013
Mumof3
♀ 42555
Member # 42555
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so so much for these. I have read through all of these replies several times and they give me so much hope.. Thank you!

Any one else who can give me their timeline in terms of feeling better would be much appreciated as I would like to keep records of this post. It's so helpful!

Hugs


Me - BS (38)
Him - WS (40)

D day 9/9/2013

DD (still born 2007) DS - 5 & DS - 3

Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little more than a year and I think of it off and on all day. I often cry but not every day...and usually just a bit for stress release AND...the tears are often NOT because of the As but because of my own struggle to come to terms with the As, my own personal growth, how to be 'natural" with him again, what love is, how to be true to who I am and not get "sucked" into behavior that was NOT me doing it...lots of BIG thoughts in my head a lot.

What helps?

1. Writing them down.
2. Talking SOME (not all) of them out with WS
3. Talking with close relative or friend
4. Getting busy with stuff I like (job, hobbies)
5. Self-soothing - Hypnosisdownloads.com, Christmas music, reading something soothing and fun (it changes depending on moood or day),
6.Christmas movies....
7. Taking to daughter
8. Just Giving myself a break - I'm only human too, not being so hard on myself to "hurry up and heal already...."...Its ok to cry, feel, bad but also good to move on again and again...hard work..

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 325 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is something our first MC told us. I tried it and I suppose need to go back to it. In the morning, have a mini funeral for everything you've lost because of the affair, - trust, innocence, etc. Take 10 minutes to really think about and feel badly about it. Then be done with it.
Throughout the day if you think of it tell yourself, "I already thought about that and had a funeral for what I lost. I don't need to do it again anymore today.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5782 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great idea rachelc -- I suppose it depends on where you are in the healing process as to how much this may help...

for me at this juncture now (one year out and getting tired of thinking the negative thoughts) it seems be best to start the day off on this positive note:

"I have been struggling a lot with sad thoughts, but look how far I have come. I know I will go even just a little bit further today."

Or

"I wish my WS love, peace and happiness today"

"I wish myself love peace and happiness today."

not saying I always FEEL it, but have to start somewhere....

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 325 | Registered: Sep 2013
sunvalley
♀ 42952
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel - that is a great idea! IC has given me some coping mechanisms to bring myself into the moment, but I may have to add this one to the list.

Mum - IC had a couple suggestions for me. Are you seeing one? One was about bringing yourself into the present time and exactly what you're doing instead of running through the memories (they can teach you techniques) and the other was about acknowledging your emotions instead of fighting them, ignoring them just makes them scream at you even louder.

I'm 8m post DD and feeling like I'm finally letting go of the OW...I don't see them as entities anymore, they mean nothing to me and I no longer look them up the way I used to. I still have my moments but I don't obsess anymore. I am more focused on how he could do this to me now and probably in more of the depression stage of grieving...the good news about that? It's progress, even if it's not easy and while it feels worse right now it's better than denial! I hope by a year to not be so consumed by the thoughts as well but I won't give myself any solid timelines to follow.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2014
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EMDR therapy. Saved me.
It is there but not in my face, kwim?
I actually go months without thinking of it like I did.
Time helps a remorseful husband and focusing in you.

Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Angel177
♀ 37274
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 19 months from dday and 16 months into R and I still think about it almost 24/7. I get moments without it. I had a major breakdown this morning crying and just so angry at how stupid WH was.

For me it's a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm up and I focus on the present and the changes wh has made...he is a better husband and father, he is more mature, he listens better, enjoys doing family things more, he is so much happier and more fun to be around.

Today though I'm stuck down thinking about how he had sex with her here in our house...what was my dream house...the first month we lived here...he had sex with her in our bed and then let me come home and sleep on the very same sheets. He had sex with her in both of our showers...and this was all in one visit...he hadn't had sex with me multiple times in the same day in 7 or so years before this...he got her and I pregnant a month apart...she was my friend...wh and I were each other's first and only sex partner until ow...I mean the list of reasons this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me goes on and on...how do you get over all that? How do you accept it? How do you not think about it? Especially with infidelity being shoved down our throats everywhere you look.

Sorry...kind of got off on a rant there. I'm definitly on the 5 year timeline I think for things to get better...maybe more.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 18

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